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AIBU?

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Original poster

Giving address to longstanding internet friend... WWYD?

95 replies

julesblues · 01/08/2022 14:27

Please no judgement or unhelpful answers :)
I've been chatting with a friend (male) online for 3 years. We 'met' through a forum for a shared interest. He was living abroad at the time, I was here in UK.
He's originally from UK but was abroad for a few years for work, but it moving back to UK in the next couple of months.
All checks out on social media and Linkedin.
Have also check the organisation's website and found him on it, complete with a photo. He's the same person in the photos he's sent me, so I have no concerns there.
We've also had a couple of video chats to see each other "in person".
Despite the regular contact (every day!) for 3 years, it's always been online. No postal stuff.
Yesterday he asked whether I'd be willing to give him my postal address as wants to send me a postcard from the country he's living in before he leaves there.
He's never made me doubt him or done anything to make me mistrust him but I'm just cautious of giving my address because I live alone.

OP posts:
Itsthelookitsthelook · 01/08/2022 14:28

I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

balalake · 01/08/2022 14:30

You can send photos etc online, even if a photo of a card. I would not give my address in your shoes.

GuyMontag · 01/08/2022 14:31

Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. You know better than us and you're telling us you don't want to, so don't.

DameMargaretofChalfont · 01/08/2022 14:32

Sorry OP but sending you a postcard sounds like a very odd thing to do.

It really sounds like a ploy to get your address.

If he does come over to your area you need to meet in public places until you get a better feel for him "in person".

MeridianB · 01/08/2022 14:35

I wouldn't. Agree it sounds contrived, which is worrying. If he is about to head back to the UK is it possible he's planning to turn up as a 'surprise'?

marcopront · 01/08/2022 14:35

Could you give him a friend's address?

AchatAVendre · 01/08/2022 14:35

A lot of internet scams are long term things. A lot of scammers check out online and don't come from places more traditionally associated with scams.

Its an odd request and any decent person would know it would make you uncomfortable. It might not even be about your address but about pushing your boundaries to see how strong they are.

If all of what he says is true, you really don't want him turning up at your home one day, pleading the nowhere to stay line.

If you must give him your address, just give him a made up one. You can do without a postcard!

skgnome · 01/08/2022 14:40

Do you work for a large company? Can you give him your office address?
you can be honest and just tell him you’re not 100% comfortable giving your address to someone you have never met in person - anyone decent will respect your boundaries
or just tell him the post is not great where you live
or a friends / relatives address - here make sure he knows it’s not your address and the other person knows what you’re doing

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 01/08/2022 14:51

It's the fact that his reason is weak which would ring alarm bells for me, if it had happened organically (sending you something you actually wanted, developing a relationship in person etc) then him having your address probably wouldn't feel like such a big deal but this way feels like a manufactured way of him getting it, or at least it would to me.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/08/2022 15:00

I wouldn't give him my address only because there are so many scammers out there and they do play the long game.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 01/08/2022 15:02

I know because I wasn't scammed (but was in conversation with one). they can make it look like you're having a video conversation with them etc.

Confession101 · 01/08/2022 15:03

marcopront · 01/08/2022 14:35

Could you give him a friend's address?

Wow, some friend. I’d be furious if my “friend” gave an internet randomer my address because they didn’t want to give their own! Wtf?!

EnjoythemoneyJane · 01/08/2022 15:03

marcopront · 01/08/2022 14:35

Could you give him a friend's address?

God, please don’t do that! He may be totally legit, but if he’s a scammer or a stalker or any other kind of predator, why would you test that by giving up a friend’s personal details?

You’re obviously uncomfortable with the request and your instincts are telling you not to give him your address, so don’t. And don’t tie yourself in knots questioning yourself or making excuses to him. Simply say you’re not comfortable giving out that information. His reaction may tell you a lot about his intentions.

SalviaOfficinalis · 01/08/2022 15:04

No, I wouldn’t. He can send you a photo of a postcard… you’re internet friends not pen pals!

yonce · 01/08/2022 15:04

Could you rent a PO Box?

Tigerteafor3 · 01/08/2022 15:06

Work address? Otherwise if he's actually a friend, say you aren't comfortable with that and he'll understand.

NashvilleQueen · 01/08/2022 15:09

If you've spoken to him every day for three years I do wonder why you'd be so suspicious unless there's something you're not saying.

Why have you invested so much time in someone you don't trust?

It's pretty easy to get an address for someone if they're on the electoral roll so I doubt he's spent three years just trying to find out that.

NashvilleQueen · 01/08/2022 15:09

Could you rent a PO Box?

To receive a postcard?!

EnjoythemoneyJane · 01/08/2022 15:10

And yes, agree 100% with PPs saying scammers play the long game, and can appear totally plausible - their expertise in technology means they can present themselves however they choose. The sudden desire to “send a postcard” when you’ve been in daily contact for 3 years sounds like a frankly laughable ruse to get you to give up your address. I definitely wouldn’t.

NashvilleQueen · 01/08/2022 15:12

Is it more likely he wants to turn up on your doorstep as a surprise? I mean I'd really hate that so reason in itself not to share your address

MuddlerInLaw · 01/08/2022 15:18

Just setting aside the address issue for a moment - the trouble with any friendship / relationship that develops online is that there’s a real risk you simply may not get on in real life.

I have found, more than once, that when I meet someone with whom I have a thriving online correspondence, we have almost nothing to say to each other. The online chat probably worked because we’re two people who express ourselves best via the written word - rather than because we’re soulmates destined to spend our lives together.

So there is every chance that you may not find this man as appealing in person as you have done at a distance.

The postcard thing is bollocks!

Why, in 3 years have you never posted each other a gift or a card? If you’d wanted him to have your address that would have happened by now.

I guarantee if you let him know where you live his accommodation will ‘fall through’ the minute his plane touches down, and he’ll be at your door with a suitcase and a Daily Mail Sad Face.

MuddlerInLaw · 01/08/2022 15:20

It's pretty easy to get an address for someone if they're on the electoral roll

Nope. I’m on the electoral roll; I tick a box to say I don’t want my details made accessible to every Tom, Dick and scammer.

CactusBlossom · 01/08/2022 15:21

I wouldn't give the address. Ask for a photo through WhatsApp from his holiday. Unless you have a PO Box number you could give him, or a work address?

RelentlessForwardProgress · 01/08/2022 15:24

I'd suggest to them that you meet them in person when they get back in a public place and he can give you the postcard then.

I think my worry would be that he doesn't really have permanent residence for the UK either because he has omitted to tell you something or because he isn't who he pretends to be.....and the address is to use for immigration purposes as the address where they are going to be staying/address of their sponsor etc.

A colleague of mine once got a phonecall from Heathrow because four teenagers had arrived at Heathrow and written her address down on a landing card for this purpose. Her own teenager had met them one night at a bar in India 8 months earlier. For some reason they'd swapped addresses and 4 of them turned up in the UK. She had never heard of them!

ABugsLyfe · 01/08/2022 15:26

No No No!!
I wouldn't even give out my work address. Postcards can be sent electronically.