Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting pissed off with DH's guests?

101 replies

MatronicO6 · 01/08/2022 08:00

I give birth 3 months ago to a beautiful DD. First grandchild/niece in my DH's family, most older than DH so very unlikely any of them will have children of own, although all in happy relationships.

Shortly after she was born, SIL asked to come meet her, DH from another country, so had to be planned in advance. I told him at time no more than 4 nights as I am someone who needs personal space and struggles after a while, especially adding breastfeeding/pumping and sleep into mix. He told me that they would be out most days/evenings anyway, we would only see then in the mornings and do something with them at weekend, which I figured would be okay as I wouldn't have to entertain every evening. So they came for 8 days.

Needless to say they have not been out every evening, or a single evening for that matter. They have been here 6 days already and have only done their own thing twice. Every morning I happily let them play with her whilst I get ready, but then feel bad when I have to take her for naps etc. Then as they are only visiting, there seems to be an expectation that I hand her over as soon as she is fed/slept. Have had to prepare/arrange evening meals each night. Have had to slip in and pump in my room, where baby is asleep as I don't feel like doing it in front of them.

Also getting increasingly annoyed that everytime I am trying to change her nappy or clothes, his sister joins to play with her whilst I do this. We had to give an emergency bath the other day, and both her and partner just followed me into my bedroom, which is a mess, to be part of the bath time and of course play with her.

Did raise with DH and he has apologized and said he thought they would be out more and he has been doing things to get them out of the house, including buying tickets for a show and taking them for walks to see things. But he has said that I need to understand that the culture in his country is more relaxed, at which point I snapped at him and told him it doesn't matter what their culture is, this is my home and I am allowed my personal space to be respected and not to be treated like some kind of wet nurse, here to feed then hand my child over.

He then said I should understand they wanted a baby but couldn't have one, so it is nice for them to spend time with DD. And they haven't been out much as they can't afford to as her partner doesn't work. So I have also essentially been funding their trip as well, nearly every meal, drink, ticket has been paid for from our joint account.

They have now asked that we come visit them for a week, to spend more time with our DD. As well as planning another visit of their own sometime in November. I have told DH to shut both down immediately, yet still get the same spiel about being sensitive to their situation and wanting to spend time with DD.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this visit is too much and getting fed up with their constant presence? And also thinking that despite empathizing with their situation, it doesn't mean I have to share my parenthood with them?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 08:03

Your DH could just take her to visit them. You need to be careful here.

Rinatinabina · 01/08/2022 08:18

I would go visit them and let them cook and entertain.

It may be annoying but you may find in future that them building a relationship with your DD is a good thing for her. I had houseguests for WEEKS after having DD. I was so relieved when they left, it was excruciating. Try to think whats best for your DD, having people around her who love her and are interested in her is never a bad thing.

MichelleScarn · 01/08/2022 08:22

KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 08:03

Your DH could just take her to visit them. You need to be careful here.

Careful about letting her baby go to abroad without her, absolutely.
Careful about the feelings of those who have rode roughshod hers, absolutely not!!

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 01/08/2022 08:25

You DH has let you down here.

Original poster
MatronicO6 · 01/08/2022 08:36

KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 08:03

Your DH could just take her to visit them. You need to be careful here.

Well this won't be happening anytime soon, as I'm breastfeeding.

Also, we actually are bringing her to his country for nearly a month to spend time with his family. We will be doing a lot of traveling so all.his siblings, mother ever cousin can spend time with her. But SIL says that not enough for her, she wants more time.

OP posts:
yesterdaysbread · 01/08/2022 08:39

good for you for standing up for how you were feeling when your DH said his culture was more relaxed. I have this struggle too with my DHs family who have completely different ideas about visiting and personal space etc. Your DH has to be able to understand your boundaries are different, and respect that. There is compromise to be found if you can meet in the middle, eg shorter duration of visits

HotSauceCommittee · 01/08/2022 08:42

If they are DH's guests, why isn't he cooking and making all drinks and meals?

JennyForeigner · 01/08/2022 08:43

Your dh has conceded he made a mistake in how present they would be. The answer to a mistake is to learn from it, not to keep doubling down. He needs to shut down talk of these extra visits.

Meraas · 01/08/2022 08:46

YANBU, it sounds like they are going to be using you for cheap holidays in the future, shut it down now, to just one visit per year, unless they’re staying in a hotel.

Why didn’t DH cook for his family?

Who will you stay with in his country of birth?

ChilliPB · 01/08/2022 08:50

I’d you’re going to his home country for a month, I think it would be reasonable to say you/DH don’t have any more annual leave or the finances to visit again/have visitors for a while. It sounds like you’ve made an effort and will have a chance to catch up with all his side of the family and I’d push back on doing more.

britneyisfree · 01/08/2022 08:52

Stop cooking for them.

They are disrupting your bonding time. It's not you or your babies problem. And I say that with deepest sympathy for them and their plight.

When DD is older I'm sure you'll be much happier for them to be involved but it's much too soon.

Can you start going out all day? Do you have family near by? Remind them baby needs close contact with you. She isn't a teddy bear.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2022 08:54

Why isn’t he doing the looking after of the guests?

Quartz2208 · 01/08/2022 08:55

This sounds like quite a sensitive subject but I would point out to your DH that your DD is not a substitute daughter for his sister and therefore boundaries need to put in place now

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/08/2022 08:58

I can understand them wanting to spend time with your daughter. But it's also ok to put boundaries in place even say you dont want anyone in your bedroom. You have a young baby so shouldn't be expected to cook and clean for guests, they should be doing it or your husband. Also a visit abroad is enough, she doesnt get to dictate what's 'enough' time for her and you shouldn't have to change your holiday plans just to satisfy her wishes. However if you are going back to work, now is the time to do it (as a one off and making clear it's not setting a precedent)

woohoo54 · 01/08/2022 08:58

Why don't you just tell them straight rather than pussy fitting around it. It's your child you want time to bond and you'll let them know another time that's convenient for you, it's not your problem they can't conceive. Set the boundaries up early so it's clear and nip it the bud. Yes it may be uncomfortable for a little while but your a new mother who wants some 1-1 time to properly bond with your baby.

Beancounter1 · 01/08/2022 08:58

Would you feel this way if it was your own sister?

neverbeenskiing · 01/08/2022 08:59

If you don't put your foot down now you will be setting a precedent. You already agreed to visit your DH's home country with your baby for a whole month, you're doing your bit! It's sad that your SIL and BIL were not able to have DC as they'd hoped, but in the nicest way possible that is not your fault and it is not your responsibility to ease their suffering by providing access to your home and DD whenever they want.

Tell your DH that a month of traveling with a young baby is plenty, you will not be visiting SIL and BIL for a week on top of this. Also tell him that the only way you will agree to them visiting in November is if they are in a hotel or Airbnb. The response will be that they can't afford it, but again that's not your fault or your responsibility. Stand your ground, OP and don't let it become the norm that his familys wishes and feelings are always put ahead of yours.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/08/2022 09:04

You, well actually your Dp needs to shut this down now. She is your daughter, not some novelty doll.

Boundaries in place now or you will regret it.

KittyCatsby · 01/08/2022 09:04

I feel your pain . However in your post you call them his guests.
They are staying with you in your home , and you say dh , you have a baby together etc . They are your guests , and to a degree - your family as well . Perhaps you can change your mindset about them and start to see them as family ( all though agree annoying ones ! )

raisinghell · 01/08/2022 09:07

You don't need to raise this with DH, you need to speak to them directly. Be kind - you love that they are enjoying time with your DD and want to be part of her life. Be firm - however these early days are precious to mum and baby and they need to understand that and give you more space. It's also a time when you personally need some privacy. Therefore you would ask that they respect your wishes during the rest of their stay and when you ask them to leave you to get on with your baby, they do.

raisinghell · 01/08/2022 09:09

It will be lovely to see them when you do your long visit. You are not going to make any more plans for either them to visit you or you to visit them just right now. You need some time for things to settle down then you'll suggest something.
That something might involve them staying nearby rather than with you. It might involve your husband taking the whole time of the visit off work and committing to doing all of the cooking and cleaning. Just take your time on that one.

ReadtheFT · 01/08/2022 09:11

Its only for a week, i dont think your bonding would be affected. Get Dh to cook/prepare meals and enjoy that someone is entertaining your DD.
They are not guests, they are family.

Hotpinkangel19 · 01/08/2022 09:13

It's your DH's family, not just guests. He may want them to be involved too - your DD is just as much his baby as she is yours.

SallyWD · 01/08/2022 09:16

I married an Indian man and his parents and sisters are very keen to spend lots of time with our children (his sisters don't and can't gave children). They're absolutely brilliant with the children and the children adore them. I'm an introvert who needs my own space so at first I found it a bit much. They also live in another European country so when we do see them it tends to be for a couple of weeks at a time. To be honest I've made it work so everyone is happy. For example, if we go and visit them DH and I will have a couple of days away on our own whilst my in-laws look after the children. I also let DH and the children visit them for 2 or 3 weeks each summer and I'll go for 10 days. This is fantastic because they all have a brilliant time and I get some much needed time to myself - which I LOVE. When they visit us I try not to see it as a chore but something positive where I can have a break while they entertain the children. They also help out with cooking, laundry etc. I know that your DD is a tiny baby so at the moment you're not thinking about leaving her with your in-laws but in the future she may well love being with them and it may be wonderful for you to have their involvement. I've always been careful not to offend my in-laws and I do respect the cultural differences. However, at the same time I know my limits which is why sometimes I step back and let my DH and the children enjoy the in-laws without me. Being Indian my DH's family is everything to him and I'd never say he can't visit them or they can't visit us but I know that I can't take more than 10 days of being with others. It's all worked out well and it's lovely to see how loved my children are by them and how much my children love their company. Why don't you go and stay with them? Let them look after you, have a bit of a rest. It's not easy looking after a baby.

billy1966 · 01/08/2022 09:19

So you agreed one thing and he just rode roughshod over it.

You have ended up cooking?

They have zero respect for your personal space.

To cap it all, after carrying and birthing YOUR baby, your husband is telling you that you have to be sensitive to HIS culture and give up your baby bonding time to his sister?

WTF.

I think you should take a long hard look at where your needs and wants come to him after having a baby.

You don't seem to figure at all.

Did you know beforehand that your baby was going to be a lovely didtraction for his sister, ahead of you bonding?

I guess not.

He comes from s different culture?
I bet he does.

One where his family come far ahead of his wife.

He has some cheek tling you what you need to be doing and how you need to be sensitive to his sister.

All this now happening after the baby has arrived is concerning.

Have you family to pack up and go to?

If so do that.

His utter disregard for you is not on.

Of course his sister's infertility is deeply sad for her but YOUR baby is not a substitute experience for her.

You really don't figure or count at all.

As for free holidays for them?
More disrespand disregard of what you want.

I would be very concerned that you really don't count here at all.