To be getting pissed off with DH's guests?

[MatronicO6]

I give birth 3 months ago to a beautiful DD. First grandchild/niece in my DH's family, most older than DH so very unlikely any of them will have children of own, although all in happy relationships.

Shortly after she was born, SIL asked to come meet her, DH from another country, so had to be planned in advance. I told him at time no more than 4 nights as I am someone who needs personal space and struggles after a while, especially adding breastfeeding/pumping and sleep into mix. He told me that they would be out most days/evenings anyway, we would only see then in the mornings and do something with them at weekend, which I figured would be okay as I wouldn't have to entertain every evening. So they came for 8 days.

Needless to say they have not been out every evening, or a single evening for that matter. They have been here 6 days already and have only done their own thing twice. Every morning I happily let them play with her whilst I get ready, but then feel bad when I have to take her for naps etc. Then as they are only visiting, there seems to be an expectation that I hand her over as soon as she is fed/slept. Have had to prepare/arrange evening meals each night. Have had to slip in and pump in my room, where baby is asleep as I don't feel like doing it in front of them.

Also getting increasingly annoyed that everytime I am trying to change her nappy or clothes, his sister joins to play with her whilst I do this. We had to give an emergency bath the other day, and both her and partner just followed me into my bedroom, which is a mess, to be part of the bath time and of course play with her.

Did raise with DH and he has apologized and said he thought they would be out more and he has been doing things to get them out of the house, including buying tickets for a show and taking them for walks to see things. But he has said that I need to understand that the culture in his country is more relaxed, at which point I snapped at him and told him it doesn't matter what their culture is, this is my home and I am allowed my personal space to be respected and not to be treated like some kind of wet nurse, here to feed then hand my child over.

He then said I should understand they wanted a baby but couldn't have one, so it is nice for them to spend time with DD. And they haven't been out much as they can't afford to as her partner doesn't work. So I have also essentially been funding their trip as well, nearly every meal, drink, ticket has been paid for from our joint account.

They have now asked that we come visit them for a week, to spend more time with our DD. As well as planning another visit of their own sometime in November. I have told DH to shut both down immediately, yet still get the same spiel about being sensitive to their situation and wanting to spend time with DD.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this visit is too much and getting fed up with their constant presence? And also thinking that despite empathizing with their situation, it doesn't mean I have to share my parenthood with them?

^This^

Just tell them you are too tired and want to lay down/be alone/cant cook dinner. Literally just say the words and then do it!

If they begin following you to another room you say "I'm going to do this by meself, I'll be back later".

You have to say what it is you want and dont want. They surely are.
Stand up for yourself.

The relationship this couple have with the rest of the family should be a warning to you.

She 'has to speak what's in her heart'.

Ime the only way to speak to people like her is in her language. Ie very direct and to the point. Exactly how she speaks to you. She probably won't like it. That's OK.

Or she will walk all over you. She already presumed to tell YOU the new mother what your daughter could do with her hand! Can you imagine doing this to someone else's baby?!

it's not cultural its rude. That's why her other SIL don't tolerate it.

I don’t think it is very nice to tell family members that are travelling from overseas to visit that they can only stay for four days. Eight days does not seem over the top in that situation. You also refer to them as DH’s guests, they are your (joint your) guests and family members. I think you should put some boundaries in place in some areas but equally, I think you could be a bit more welcoming to family.

I will probably get flayed for this, and told that I am a racist. I don't think I am. I think that starting out every human being is just as worthy as any other human being. What they do with their lives when grown up will prove how worthy any individual is then.

My problem is that we have everyone from our foreign country born and brought up spouses, to the media, and people in political power, telling us how we must take into account other peoples' culture. I absolutely agree with that sentiment. However there are some cultures that have certain cultural practices that I disagree strongly with. An easy example being FGM.
(If I was married to someone whose family still lived in a homeland where FGM was rife, my daughter would not be going there after the age that they first start performing that horrendous mutilation).

My genuine, and I hope not goady, question is: Do people from other cultures get told to respect our culture, especially when visiting or moving to the UK. If I am being a privileged, white, person, who is obviously racist just for thinking about that question, then please go ahead and tell me why. As it stands, I expect that the OP of this thread will behave whilst in her DH's homeland, in a way that tries to respect their traditions and culture, so why should we not expect that to be reciprocated when other cultures visit or move to our homeland?

OP, I know that you have lovingly tried to stand up for your DH here, but it seems to me that he needs to educate his family on what is acceptable or expected in our culture, eg they should have taken the family out for at least one meal (I would never go and stay in someone else's home for more than three days if I couldn't afford to even treat them once to a meal out), or they should at least shop and cook for them a couple of times per week. They should have also been told by your DH that we do not go into other peoples bedrooms in our homes without a specific invitation, even "make yourself at home" is not an invitation into other people's bedrooms!

If it is of any consequence, I am/was a remainer.

So DH has intervened and arranged for them to go see their other siblings, who also live in the city today and tomorrow so I can have some down time. They actually asked me to join them for one of the days to act as a buffer between her and another sibling. I have told husband absolutely not, besides I have plans to meet a friend for brunch.

We also had a talk about our month visit and we are breaking it up with a mini holiday of our own in the middle. Have also discussed how it links back to tense family dynamics and told him that I am not engaging with it nor allowing it to develop. I want all his family to establish a good relationship with our DD and me but they are not coparents and won't be involved to the degree SIL seems to expect. DH understands and has said he knows how forceful, opinionated his family can be, he got a lot of it from parents and siblings due to being youngest and has assured me firm boundaries will be put in place.

By the way, if anyone thinks my post breaks Mumsnet's rules, please ask them to remove it.

Good to hear your DH is getting on board, OP.

Keep those boundaries in place.

Agree with people suggesting to set boundaries in the moment eg "I'm going to our bedroom with DD and will see you when I get back.". If they're continually playing or holding the baby, take her back. Keep it cheerful, bright and breezy, "She needs to feed/nap/have a little break now". Don't worry about upsetting them, as they're not bothered about upsetting you. Not suggesting they're being malicious, they just clearly have a lack of understanding where your boundaries are. You need to show them yourself.

If it was me I definitely just go out by myself with DD for a break. It might feel a bit annoying to have to leave your own home, but it will help your sanity.

I have family members who don't respect boundaries. I don't agree with people who suggest you put up with it to keep the peace. You're allowed to have preferences about visits and visiting. I'm sure you and DH can find a compromise that means he can see family without you going crackers 🙂

sounds quite inconsiderate to you OP, and why can't the cooking etc be done by DP and the guy who doesn't work?

They are overseas but they aren't very far, no like they have come from India or anything like that. It's a European city, most people when visiting the respective cities would do it for a weekend. It is actually quicker to get to his home place than mine.

Also I have been extremely welcoming, have provided them everything they need, given them loads of time with DD, paid for three meals out and bought them tickets to a show. However I don't have to welcome them into my bedroom.

Completely agree.

OP, you are not in the least uptight or controlling 🙄.

I simply cannot imagine a single person I have ever met following a new mother into her bedroom.

Unbelievable.

IMO you need to get very tough with that husband of yours.

The bloody cheek of him telling you to be sensitive to a very difficult sister.

What a cheek.

I know I have very strong boundaries but if you were my daughter I would be advising you to TELL your husband what is happening, no discussion.

So sick of reading of new mothers being bullied on MN.

When he carries a baby he can tell you who to be sensitive to.

Let that thumb incident be a lightening rod to you as to exactly what his sister is like.

She is already trying to tell you how to parent.

A CF of the highest degree and I don't care what corner of the earth she comes from.

I would be furious at her cheek.

Tell your husband if he wishes to remain happily married to you, he had better put his overbearing sister in her place and he had better be very sure where his loyalties lay.

Hold onto your boundaries and don't take an ounce of nonsense from any of them.

Otherwise I wouldn't dream of going to his home for a month.

The last thing a breastfeeding mother needs is this annoyance.

Don't forget to hydrate constantly as you are feeding!

I'm glad your DH has intervened, OP, and that some boundaries are in place. I agree with previous posters that your in laws should be helping out a bit, especially as this will help you, and thus help the beloved baby too.

Tough

This.

Who gives a damn what your SIL wants or needs.

This is madness that your husband is even repeating this bullshit to you.

I would be SO wary of him.

Exactly. They live in another country so I think your 4 day limit was ridiculous in the first place. I can't see that they did anything wrong other than visit and want to spend time with their niece. You seem to think its your baby and your house and what you say goes.

You seem to think its your baby and your house and what you say goes.

Um...it is her baby and her house...

Nope, I am known for being a great host! I could not be more welcoming and despite my discomfort I have not made any of this known to them as I would never want to offend or make them uncomfortable. I probably do too much which may be why I find it all rather exhausting. But as I said to the post you quoted I do not have to welcome them into my bedroom nor watch me whilst I pump milk!

My family are not from here, they live further than his. My family and his family who visited so far all stayed 3/4 days and were happy to spend time with niece but also respectful of my space and privacy. They also helped cook, cleaned up after themselves and took time to visit the city to give us some downtime. When arranging dates, they give the impression they'd be doing the same.

And not coming into your bedroom is one of the boundaries I have suggested you enforce. But you are not even calling them your guests, you call them your husbands guests. Sorry but that is not welcoming.

I would be pissed off too but thank good it was for 8 days. I would just suck it up for 8 days . If this was going to be permanent with them coming round every five minutes then no way .

OP - it sounds like you've had a very constructive conversation with your husband and come up with some solutions to make everything more comfortable for you. This is great.
As I said up post, my in-laws also live abroad in Europe and come and stay a couple of weeks at a time. I personally wouldn't ever suggest them coming for 4 days because of the cost of flights and the fact that we go months without seeing them. Four days just doesn't seem worth the money or effort. 8 days seems great to me!
I think as the years pass you'll find a way to rub along together where you all respect each other's needs. I found it hard when I had my first child and all of a sudden I was spending these long periods of time with my in-laws. However, over the years we've all grown to understand each other. They're Indian and seem to enjoy being with family all the time (I don't know if this is an Indian thing or a personality thing). But now they understand me better and respect the fact that I need my personal space and time alone. As an extended family we've found ways to make sure everyone is happy. It did take a few years to find the right balance though. I'm not sure I would have found the perfect solution when my baby was a few weeks old.

I think you’re being unreasonable and nasty.
A new child is something to celebrate in most families and they are excited to spend time with her. I think it’s very sweet. I also think you’d be acting differently if it was your own family.

I would have made them stay in a hotel.