To be getting pissed off with DH's guests?

[MatronicO6]

I give birth 3 months ago to a beautiful DD. First grandchild/niece in my DH's family, most older than DH so very unlikely any of them will have children of own, although all in happy relationships.

Shortly after she was born, SIL asked to come meet her, DH from another country, so had to be planned in advance. I told him at time no more than 4 nights as I am someone who needs personal space and struggles after a while, especially adding breastfeeding/pumping and sleep into mix. He told me that they would be out most days/evenings anyway, we would only see then in the mornings and do something with them at weekend, which I figured would be okay as I wouldn't have to entertain every evening. So they came for 8 days.

Needless to say they have not been out every evening, or a single evening for that matter. They have been here 6 days already and have only done their own thing twice. Every morning I happily let them play with her whilst I get ready, but then feel bad when I have to take her for naps etc. Then as they are only visiting, there seems to be an expectation that I hand her over as soon as she is fed/slept. Have had to prepare/arrange evening meals each night. Have had to slip in and pump in my room, where baby is asleep as I don't feel like doing it in front of them.

Also getting increasingly annoyed that everytime I am trying to change her nappy or clothes, his sister joins to play with her whilst I do this. We had to give an emergency bath the other day, and both her and partner just followed me into my bedroom, which is a mess, to be part of the bath time and of course play with her.

Did raise with DH and he has apologized and said he thought they would be out more and he has been doing things to get them out of the house, including buying tickets for a show and taking them for walks to see things. But he has said that I need to understand that the culture in his country is more relaxed, at which point I snapped at him and told him it doesn't matter what their culture is, this is my home and I am allowed my personal space to be respected and not to be treated like some kind of wet nurse, here to feed then hand my child over.

He then said I should understand they wanted a baby but couldn't have one, so it is nice for them to spend time with DD. And they haven't been out much as they can't afford to as her partner doesn't work. So I have also essentially been funding their trip as well, nearly every meal, drink, ticket has been paid for from our joint account.

They have now asked that we come visit them for a week, to spend more time with our DD. As well as planning another visit of their own sometime in November. I have told DH to shut both down immediately, yet still get the same spiel about being sensitive to their situation and wanting to spend time with DD.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking this visit is too much and getting fed up with their constant presence? And also thinking that despite empathizing with their situation, it doesn't mean I have to share my parenthood with them?

This so much reminds me of the time I gave birth to my first child and my in-laws were here from abroad to help... more like a hindrance...
They probably mean well but I would have liked to have this time alone with just myself baby n husband...
never gonna get that time back and I still regret not saying anything about it to this day nearly 20 years on...!!
We didn't invite them the second time...
I really feel yr pain

I don't have a sister, but my DH finds my mum hard work and has a 4 day limit for her visits here and our visits to her. So yes it would be the same.

So your DH gets to enforce a 4 day limit - why aren't you allowed the same consideration?

I'm glad he's on board now, but it would never have got this far if your wishes were respected.

This is a problem created by your dh. He seems very empathetic to the needs of his sister, but not to his wife..
as pp has mentioned it is important and good if your dd has these relationships as well but there surely is a way to maintain and encourage this without making things v un enjoyable for you!
ps why are you funding their holiday when you don’t want to? It’s setting a precedent you don’t want for the next decades.. if he wants to pay for them ask him to do it out of his own money..

I am very happy with the limit on my mum's visits and support it, my mum is hard work. She is quite similar to SIL, which we have both realised this week.

youre really going to have to stop being hostess. You’ve recently had a baby, you’re breastfeeding and getting to grips with being a new mum. I’d care less what your SIL wants or expects.

the part of having a new tiny baby that I loved was snuggling with them after a feed. I would not be handing my child over to anyone my family or DH’s family every time so they could spend all the time cuddling her whilst I ran around like a blue arsed fly cooking and cleaning and feeding and changing. You also need to have some downtime with baby.

your SIL and her H sound like supremely entitled pains in the arse. I bet she’d be less than pleased if your told her ‘what was in your heart’ like she goes around doing to everyone.

I would not go and be a buffer for her and family she’s fallen out with. I would not give her any special extra time with your DC whilst your over visiting family. Your child is not a plaything for her to play with.

and I’d be telling her and her H to stay out of your bedroom.

she sounds like the kind of person you need to be totally blunt with otherwise she’ll ride roughshod all over your boundaries because you’re being polite. Sod that!

What exactly is your culture? Can you describe what brutish culture involves?

I don’t think this is anything to do with culture.

it sounds like rude entitled spoilt behaviour. The SIL in this scenario has everyone walking on eggshells to save her feelings whilst she could care less about others as she has to apparently ‘say what’s in her heart’ or tell it like it is etc etc.

I’ve got a SIL like this. I totally taken a step back from trying to accommodate her in anything as she’s a give her an inch she’ll take a mile kinda woman. As a result she’s very nice to me as she’s realised I could cut her off immediately and not give a toss.

my SIL is white English. I’m not.

arseholes a plenty exist in English culture.

It's also his baby and his house.

Yeah and he’s imposed a four day maximum visit on OP’s mum.

so OP should have the same if she wants for his family.

But he has said that I need to understand that the culture in his country is more relaxed

Why do people not reply 'But you're not in your country and in this country this is not the culture' the acceptance of other cultures always seems to be one sided.

Why does the 'different culture' always seem to take precedence though? I know lots of couples where there are cultural differences and it does seem that the non-British culture is more important, especially when it comes to domineering families. Maybe we should claim our own cultural traditions.

This really isn't always the case. I say this as an English woman who's married an Indian. Basically we do everything my (well our) way and we don't follow the Indian traditions such as my in-laws living with us as my DH is the only son. That's not to say I don't respect my in-laws and their culture as I do, very much. But we're raising our family in the English way with the occasional nod to the Indian heritage. This is because my DH is very westernised. I've often thought how difficult it must be for my mother in law to see her grandchildren being raised in such a western, non-Hindu, non-Indian way. I always make a real effort to make her feel involved and loved. She's accepted how things are just because she has to really.

I could make an attempt at describing British culture, but I don't think I can be bothered to, unless given a really good reason why and/or how that would help this discussion.

I am however intrigued to know whether the intonation I am hearing in your question, is actually there, and that it is suggesting that you don't think there is such a phenomenon as British Culture?

Now this is a cop out if ever there was one.

I beg your pardon? How exactly is what I said a cop out please? I said that I am willing to discuss British culture if given a good reason why, or how, that would be helpful to the OP's thread. As neither you @TillyTheTeddy or @Whatever00 have given me such a reason, may I suggest that one or both of you start your own thread about it, and I will then endeavour to give you my thoughts on the matter.

There is no such thing as British culture. Britain is not a country. There are English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh cultures, all distinct, and all quite recognisable and easily defined.

Another cop out as you cannot defend the point you made so you hide behind your passive aggressive ever so polite manner and try to divert. You are not fooling anyone. You made a point and you can't defend it.

Damn, I am getting drawn in and it is not fair on the OP, and I think I started this aside, so I only have myself to blame!

Ok, @ShandaLear, I will bite, but only a little bit. My immediate thoughts are that you are being far to restricted in your views of what a person's, or a societies, Culture actually looks like. If as a silly example, Mars was inhabitated by small green people, with no visible vegetation or surface water on the planet, I think it would be fair to say that even with just those two basic differences between Earth and Mars, it stands to reason that we will have each developed rather different cultures. There is absolutely no room here to study what - in any meaningful way - culture actually is.

So before going any further, I am going to look up a definition of culture just to make sure that I am not getting myself totally discombobulated - again!

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the definition of the type of Culture that we are interested in here, is:

"the ideas, customs, and social behaviour of a particular people or society"

That is of course a very basic definition of what we mean when we talk about culture in this sense.

So @ShandaLear, I think that under that definition we can both be considered correct. The culture of the British Isles is really quite different to the culture practiced in the different Islands that make up the Country of Japan. But you are also right that the people of Wales, Scotland, N. Ireland and England each have certain characteristics that can help differentiate between these different Countries, and of course N. Ireland also has it's own division of culture depending on whether one is a Roman Catholic or a Protestant.

I must disagree with you though @ShandaLear (I do love your name!) that the differences in culture between the individual Countries that make up Great Britain and Northern Ireland are easily defined - to do the subject justice, everyone would need to make a concerted effort to discover real facts, and not just make, or list, assumptions. By the way you missed out Cornwall @Shanda, do not many of its inhabitants wish to be free of the shackles of the rest of England?

If you @ShandaLearor anyone else involved in this thread, still want to spend the time and effort that it will take to discuss this in the depth it deserves, then please start a new thread for it. I will look forward to joining you there.

Even the fact that you refer to them as your husband's guests says something about you. That's an unusual outlook for a married couple.

Sorry @TillyTheTeddy, I started replying to @ShandaLear hours ago, so I had not seen your charming up-date before I posted the above. I also apologise that my "ever so polite manner" upsets you, and makes you accuse me of passive aggressiveness.

I honestly do not know what exactly is is that you want me to explain, answer or admit to. I am almost ready to do all three if it will make you happy? As we have well and truly taken over the OP's thread now, if she and MNHQ agree we might as well continue here, but if they don't, then make a fucking new thread as I am losing a lot of cunting sleep over this!

There, I hope that was better for you @TillyTheTeddy? So, I am actually begging you, I really Do Not Know what your question is. I am not trying to wriggle out of answering you, I do not know which of my points - I tend to make a few 🤭 - you want me to defend. I am totally discombobulated, and yes I do love that word!

@TillyTheTeddy well I think that I have given you plenty of time to respond to me, so I think you have just left me hanging here. Do you no longer wish to know my answer to a question that seemed to be bothering you quite a lot before? I presume that you are not just "copping out" now, as I believe that must go against your own codes of conduct?

Or if you have somehow realised that you were accusing me of something unfairly, I will very happily accept your apology if you think that actually you owe me one. I leave the ball in your court now @TillyTheTeddy and look forward to hearing from you about our next steps.

To answer your question: yes, of course. People coming from other cultures do try very hard to follow local customs, learn about what is expected of them in terms of behaviour and to not offend anyone. You won't notice it because most of us (ie immigrants) just do it automatically and don't make a big fuss about it.

Seems more sorted with them going to other relatives now - but in your place as they were staying for over a week, I'd have said I was really tired with the baby, and invited them to cook on one or two of the evenings.

I don’t think it’s unusual at all. My husband’s friends are his friends, yes I like them but if we split up tomorrow they’d side with him and I wouldn’t see them again, wouldn’t really have any inclination to see them again tbh. And exactly the same for his family, DH would facilitate contact with our child and my in laws so again, there would be no need for me to see/ speak to them if we were to split. All these relationships are conditional so I don’t see anything wrong with referring to them as ‘DH’s friends/ family’ as that’s what they are?