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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not believe my DH is ill?

110 replies

Toes89 · 01/08/2022 07:48

I was puking my guts out last week. DH is sympathetic to a point. He took the kids off my hands for a day

Anyway the puking stopped but I kept feeling really ropey all weekend. Chest pains. Exhausted. Hot and cold Find a covid test and yep....two very strong lines.

This morning have weird tingling all over my feet. Feel bloody awful to be honest. I'm vaccinated.

Anyway DH has now been testing too and is negative. But he's in bed right now because he feels unwell. But he doesn't seem to have any symptoms of anything. He just said he feels "groggy". He then said "you know maybe I missed a faint line on the test, I really feel I must have it"

I just quite know how im up with the kids and he's in bed. I sound like such a bitch doubting him as he does say he feels rubbish but he can't describe an actual symptoms

I just don't believe him in my gut. I think perhaps he's not even lying. It's psychological. But he does seem to have something in him that can't just look after me.

Aibu to not believe him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Toes89 · 02/08/2022 07:43

@Americano75 that's awful. I'm so sorry. Pleased to hear he's an ex. Was it hard leaving him???

When I had bad morning sickness DH tried to be sympathetic but he mostly found it annoying. Then when I pulled him up on it he said it was a "self pity party every day". I was pregnant with twins and lost one of them at 7 months...and DH started talking to me about the electricity bill a day later....honestly it's like there is a bit of his brain missing....he tries to be supportive at first but it's like it's so unnatural to him and then he gets annoyed about it all. Like it's a massive pain in the arse for him to have a wife who is unwell

He can be so funny and good company etc but I think he is fundamentally not a kind person. Like its just not there. I didn't really need him to be kind when I was carefree twenty something but now I just need a bit of kindness and nothing i feel so sad about it all

OP posts:

Americano75 · 02/08/2022 07:47

It wasn't in the end, sadly that example was only the tip of a very large iceberg. I really hope you can make him see sense before he loses you, maybe that's what he needs to bring him to his senses.

lushforlife · 02/08/2022 12:01

This all sounds very familiar to me. My husband is the same. I remember vomiting into a basin while holding my crying 3 month old baby in my other arm. He wouldn't help even though he was off work as he had something really important to do outside and he wasn't 'wasting' his days off work looking after his sick wife, toddler and baby. Then he was poorly and had to take to bed and wanted waited on hand and foot....I don't bloody think so mate.

PetalParty · 02/08/2022 16:30

Americano75 · 02/08/2022 07:47

It wasn't in the end, sadly that example was only the tip of a very large iceberg. I really hope you can make him see sense before he loses you, maybe that's what he needs to bring him to his senses.

You can’t go and pick up empathy ready made at the supermarket in time for tomorrow’s lunch.

Original poster

Toes89 · 02/08/2022 17:59

@lushforlife That doesn't sound good at all. Are you still with him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Toes89 · 02/08/2022 18:03

@Americano75 I think it's too late for that. I think he's probably lived for 4 decades without much empathy. He's not gonna find it now. @PetalParty

My challenge now is working out how to live with him until I can work out how to separate without risking my kids.

OP posts:

lushforlife · 02/08/2022 18:07

Yes I am. Things changes after that. I put my foot down. Made him parent rather than just be a passenger in their lives. Now when he says he's off to do something I ask has he checked the calendar to see if anything else is on, or the kids need taken anywhere. They are older now and do lots of sports. And I know I'm a wonderful mum but I can't be in two places at once! He moans but does it!

turquoise1988 · 02/08/2022 19:54

What comes out of your posts for me OP is that he is far too used to a good thing, to you holding him up all the time. He loves the current 1950s arrangement because it means he gets it easy, in many ways.

That's why, when you're ill, he acts the way he does. His safety net has been removed and he actually has to - heaven forbid - parent his kids.

He can either choose to buck his ideas up, or learn to live with that safety net being removed completely.

Original poster

Toes89 · 02/08/2022 21:37

I think you're right @turquoise1988 He wants and expects to be looked after. He admits as much. Which I don't mind doing a lot of the time but then when I need a little back I get resentment and anger

Also at least in the 50s I didn't have to work. In my current arrangement I do all the housework and I'm the main breadwinner. I do it all.

OP posts:

PetalParty · 03/08/2022 08:40

I’m sad for you. Offering you a big hug, @Toes89. 💐

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