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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe my DH is ill?

110 replies

Toes89 · 01/08/2022 07:48

I was puking my guts out last week. DH is sympathetic to a point. He took the kids off my hands for a day

Anyway the puking stopped but I kept feeling really ropey all weekend. Chest pains. Exhausted. Hot and cold Find a covid test and yep....two very strong lines.

This morning have weird tingling all over my feet. Feel bloody awful to be honest. I'm vaccinated.

Anyway DH has now been testing too and is negative. But he's in bed right now because he feels unwell. But he doesn't seem to have any symptoms of anything. He just said he feels "groggy". He then said "you know maybe I missed a faint line on the test, I really feel I must have it"

I just quite know how im up with the kids and he's in bed. I sound like such a bitch doubting him as he does say he feels rubbish but he can't describe an actual symptoms

I just don't believe him in my gut. I think perhaps he's not even lying. It's psychological. But he does seem to have something in him that can't just look after me.

Aibu to not believe him?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 01/08/2022 11:59

Stop doing things for him. Go to bed. Hes feeling better and drinking coke, hes grand, you're not.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 01/08/2022 12:09

It's not all men, but a lot of men are chancey fuckers and I read stories like this at least once a week, and have first hand experience of my own where men get "sick" at the prospect of having to take on more responsibilities.

Whilst, yes, he could genuinely be sick (time will tell), it's more likely he's just trying it on.

saltofcelery · 01/08/2022 12:25

This makes me feel sad for you (and the other posters with similar stories), it shouldn't be like this.

You are in a partnership, you're not the only person. If you're ill, you should be in bed, if he's ill, he should, if you're both ill, you need to take turns resting.

This type of behaviour should be showing you what he actually thinks of you.

gannett · 01/08/2022 12:29

If you have zero trust in your DH such that you can’t even believe him when he says he is sick, the relationship is over.

This is very true, and it didn't surprise me at all to read on and find out this is just the tip of the iceberg in what sounds like a crap relationship.

It wouldn't ever occur to me to assume DP was lying if he said he was ill, nor him for me. If it's the first thing you jump to, there have to be some serious underlying issues.

Original poster
Toes89 · 01/08/2022 13:26

@billy1966 I know you're right about getting him a coke.

It's not unusual for one of us to get the other drink though. I was in the kitchen near the fridge. It was him bellowing it from the other room just after I'd finished coughing and I had a baby in my arms. But I know if I'd said "can you not get up and get it yourself" it would have caused a fight and with 2 very young DC hanging off me and covid...I just can't deal with that today

But I find myself quite often not saying stuff because I don't want to cause a fight and I don't want to argue when the kids are home, if I'm about to go to work, if I'm tired etc so I just try to keep the peace.

Not that he thinks I keep the peace. He thinks I'm always "having a go at him" or "undermining him".

I'm very scared of divorce. For so many reasons. It seems like a terrible option. But I also can't deal with this man for the rest of my life.

He does expect me to mother him and when I'm ill or having a difficult time, it's almost like he's annoyed at me

Sorry rambling. You always give such good advice to others I've read before on threads and I always think TOO RIGHT and now it's happening to me and I do agree but it's scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toes89 · 01/08/2022 13:31

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 01/08/2022 12:09

It's not all men, but a lot of men are chancey fuckers and I read stories like this at least once a week, and have first hand experience of my own where men get "sick" at the prospect of having to take on more responsibilities.

Whilst, yes, he could genuinely be sick (time will tell), it's more likely he's just trying it on.

That's the thing though isn't it..."chancey fuckers". He's seen my mood now and heard me coughing pretty badly and trying to catch my breath and now he's feeling "much better". He's even suggested going to the shop and doing the food shop. I said don't u think you should be careful as you probably have covid, let's do it online until we wait a couple of days and now it's all "oh I'm probably just tired". I think he just feels guilty or maybe has now had a coffee and a lie in and is bored of being "ill".

But if he is being a chancey fucker....its actually horrible...as what he's doing is saying I don't care that my wife feels horrendous, I fancy something sympathy myself and I don't wanna have to do everything so I'm gonna lie around and groan for a couple of hours. I mean...how do you love someone and then do that? I know that sounds OTT but he'd rather pretend to be ill then help me out????

OP posts:
billy1966 · 01/08/2022 13:53

You poor poor pet.
I'm so sorry its so hard.

He sounds so dreadful.
Most men are not like this.

Just the awful ones.

How a man treats you when you are ill, is a wonderful indicator of how he feels about you.

My grandmother told me that many years ago. She always told me that kindness was up there in importance in a man if you want a marriage to last.
She loved my grandfather and he was so kind. She grieved hiis death til the day she died 16 years later.

Divorce is not bad when faced with remaining with an awful man.

The most important thing is you get better and strong again.

Can you reach out for support from friends or family.

Tell the truth, you are very ill and he is refusing to mind his children.

Stop doing anything for him.
You sound afraid of him.
calling Women's aid would be a good dea when you are well.
But focus on getting well.

The rest will come.
This doesn't have to be your life.

Get well and then start planning quietly.

But stop doing stuff for him.

SpindleInTheWind · 01/08/2022 14:04

Not fetching him a coke would have caused a fight? You have to 'keep the peace' repeatedly? Good grief, you are right, OP, you can't stay with this man. He is chipping away at your personality and your soul.

He suspects he's gone too far, which is why he's making a token effort. He doesn't want to lose the wife-bot.

And he sees your being unwell as an annoyance because to him, it is - his wife-bot is malfunctioning and he wants it working properly again. I mean, what's the point of paying his monthly subscription if he doesn't get full value, right?

Original poster
Toes89 · 01/08/2022 14:31

Every time I start to cough he does this weird little clearing of his throat and mutters something like "god I feel rough".

He just drove himself to macdonalds.

God I hate him.

I don't know why I post on MN saying "here is this annoying thing my DH does, or is this reasonable behaviour from DH" whereas I'm only the person who actually knows him and I know what's he like. I know he lies about things like being ill.

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 01/08/2022 14:41

He's a tosser OP and you would be so much happier out of a relationship with a selfish child who makes you walk on eggshells.

LaCorOr · 01/08/2022 14:55

He sounds appalling

Nanny0gg · 01/08/2022 15:08

When you feel better, come back to this thread and remind yourself what you put up with.

Then decide if you want this for you and your children for the foreseeable future.

If the answer (it should be) is No, come and get advice and support to change it

PetalParty · 01/08/2022 15:25

Disgusting donkey toed twat. What revolting theatre.
I'm furious on your behalf.

Has he ever had empathy for you?

CactusBlossom · 01/08/2022 15:32

Discovereads · 01/08/2022 07:58

YABU to think he’s not ill at all.
You had covid last week and were recovering this weekend. So you’re not sick anymore. What care do you need now?

It is highly likely he has covid now and just not yet testing positive. Or he could have caught something other than covid.

If you have zero trust in your DH such that you can’t even believe him when he says he is sick, the relationship is over.

This ⬆

He is likely to be ill, may well have caught it from you.
If you can't trust him enough to believe he is not well when he says so, when can you trust him?

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2022 15:51

@CactusBlossom have you read the OP's updates?
He's now suddenly feeling better and driving himself to McDonalds, whilst she is coughing her guts up and looking after their two children!!!
Yeah, he's really ill. Not.

YawnYawnYawn00 · 01/08/2022 16:10

If he's saying he is feeling better, say "great! Here's the kids! I'm going to bed!" And bloody go to bed. He's obviously having you on and trying to have a lazy day and get out of parenting duties.

Original poster
Toes89 · 01/08/2022 17:44

Every time I give the kids to him...10 mins later the kids are in my room again.

I've just got up and taken them on. He's gone onto his computer and has been "researching new phones" for the last 3 hours while I've cooked dinner and kept them entertained.

But I don't care anymore. I'm treating today's like my first day of being a single mum. He can start doing shots of tequila in town for all I care.

It's been rough for ages. But this is the final straw. He's never going to care for me.

OP posts:
CactusBlossom · 01/08/2022 17:55

rainbowstardrops · 01/08/2022 15:51

@CactusBlossom have you read the OP's updates?
He's now suddenly feeling better and driving himself to McDonalds, whilst she is coughing her guts up and looking after their two children!!!
Yeah, he's really ill. Not.

@rainbowstardrops so the answer is "not to be trusted" then!

LaCorOr · 01/08/2022 18:29

On the computer while you have the kids 😮unbelievable

blackgreywhite · 01/08/2022 18:49

Honestly he wins arsehole partner of the day - and on MN that is a tough competition.

I personally couldn't stand to live in the same house as that loser. Let alone wait on him hand and foot which you obviously do.
You and your kids deserve more.

entropynow · 01/08/2022 18:51

Hbh17 · 01/08/2022 07:53

Stop testing & both just get on with normal life!

Ofgs. People get ill without testing you Muppet

Americano75 · 01/08/2022 19:44

I'm so sorry, my ex husband was the same. If I had a headache he had a migraine etc. I had to have minor surgery which required general anaesthetic which I'd never had, and I was allowed home the same day on the understanding that my husband would be with me in case I suffered any after effects.

He sat up all night getting pissed and playing on his computer. Fucking cunt.

Sapphirensteel · 01/08/2022 19:52

@Toes89 Just a tip for the chest pain, try two hot water bottles, one against your back ( lean back against pillows) the other on your chest. Obviously anyone who thinks they’re having a heart attack don’t do this, call 999.
My father used to do the same as your DH. If anyone in the house was ill, he was worse.

Rummikub · 01/08/2022 19:56

Toes89 · 01/08/2022 14:31

Every time I start to cough he does this weird little clearing of his throat and mutters something like "god I feel rough".

He just drove himself to macdonalds.

God I hate him.

I don't know why I post on MN saying "here is this annoying thing my DH does, or is this reasonable behaviour from DH" whereas I'm only the person who actually knows him and I know what's he like. I know he lies about things like being ill.

I hope he took the dc out with him then to give you a bit of a break.

Even though my ex is a twat for some things I can say he would look after the kids when I was unwell - even a self inflicted hangover.

RandomMess · 01/08/2022 19:59
Flowers

I hope you feel better soon, it's crushing when you realise your partner cares so little for you Sad