To make my son go back to holiday club

[karomakulture]

My DS is 5 and very easy going. This year I signed him to a holiday club with his DS, which to be honest was at the top of what I could afford but it had brilliant reviews and lots of activities.
They both enjoyed yesterday but today my ds came out with a large scratch on his face and several on his arms. The lady said that a little girl with additional needs had done it, she was very apologetic and suggested that it was unprovoked. I didn't really think much of it but when we got home my son became very upset at that thought of going next week.
This is very unlike him. He has never even flinched going into school, he went to several nurseries, children's groups etc. I have no doubt that he must have been pushed or pulled around before. We also have a friend who's ds is quite rough and tumble and my son says 'ow that hurts' but rarely says he doesn't want to see him again.
My problem is, looking at the cuts (they're deep!) and thinking that this must have been a shock for DS, am I disregarding his feelings to send him back? I mean I wouldn't like to be attacked unprovoked?
Then there's the cost, I've spent several hundred on this holiday club to last the whole of the holidays, I doubt they will refund me to suit my sons whim? But then saying to Jim 'you're going back, end of' feels wrong too.
I'm also sympathetic as my DD has adhd and I feel that horrible judgement from others who just don't get it. I guess this is what I struggle with, inclusion of all kids means things like this will happen? The alternative is exclusion right? Imagine if they denied this girl a place and then her parents couldn't work? I mean I doubt that 1:1s extend to holiday clubs so if I were the parent I would just book in and hope that they could cope and that she could cope.

I wouldn’t even consider sending him back there.

in my area you can only get a 1:1 if your child attends a special school, it’s why dd can’t go to holiday clubs because I would have to pay for it myself and on top of the cost of the club and a 1:1 it’s wouldn’t be affordable for most people. I have a 5 year old and wouldn’t want to send them back

I wouldn't send him back and I have children with additional needs. I wouldn't blame the other child. I would blame the other staff for the lack of supervision and would think that they don't have enough eyes to watch all the kids.

@Margot78 so would you just suck up the cost? Or demand your money back?? I don't even know if I can do that. Surely it's a condition you kind of sign up for.

That's really tough op. I think you need to talk to them and see what they can say to you and him to make you feel confident they can keep him safe. I agree inclusion is important (and also have a kid with adhd) but there has to be a way of accommodating that doesn't put others at risk. It does feel important to listen to your son. I'd discuss the above with him and agree that you will need to both feel comfortable with the plan to make sure he won't be hurt again.

It’s a difficult one op and you have a very good understanding of the situation where I think others won’t. Would your son agree to go if you tell him you’ll have a chat with the adults to make sure he doesn’t get hurt again? And as hard as it is put some strategies in place to avoid the girl? Otherwise I think you are well within your rights to get a full refund as they can’t safeguard your son through nobodies fault.

I didn't really think much of it

I think this is quite telling!

You didn't think much of your son coming out with several deep scratches on his face and arms?!

I think you need to properly empathise with your child. You're not going to be able to reassure him if you don't appear to be that bothered! Acknowledge his feelings. Then discuss with him a plan that means he can continue to attend.

Call and speak to someone senior and ask what plan they've put in place to stop this happening again.

Talk about this with your son and see if he feels more comfortable going again with a plan in place.

If they don't have a plan or you think the plan is lacking/won't keep your son safe then don't send him. Ask for a refund and see what they say.

@NuffSaidSam what I meant to say was that he was not initially upset when he came out, nor on the bus home, nor when watching a movie. It was when I was talking to him before bed that he started really crying, begging not to go back.

You need to speak to them tomorrow and say you'll report it to the local education safeguarding team if they don't sort it and say that if this girl isn't properly supported then you'll be citing this as a concern with offstead

So you care more about how something is going to affect other people than your own child who has already been assaulted?

You said your dd has additional needs, is ds also being affected by this? Would you stand up or support him if he was being assaulted elsewhere? Poor boy.

It's not normal, even for an ND child, to just randomly scratch someone- so I would want to know how the incident occurred and what is going to be put in place to ensure it doesn’t happen again!

Coming from someone with ADHD:
It is not an excuse! I find it highly worrying how regularly I witness the high volume of people who defend these types of incidents with: “but they have special needs”!

This is going to lead to one or both of the following happening

1. The current generation of NT children will become so intolerable of ND people, that by the time they are adults NDs are going to be so stigmatised they going to find it even more difficult to be seen as responsible and not ‘cognitively faulty’
2. NDs will get it in their heads that because of their neurotype, people don’t believe they have the mens rea (The mental state of deliberately committing a crime) and can therefore get away with anything, feeding the already bad reputation of ND people.

As for your son OP, I am sorry that this has happened to him. I would probably try and encourage him to go back for one more day and see how he feels. He might have forgotten about the incident come Monday morning.

@MichelleScarn I don't care more but I know that you don't get funding for a 1:1 for holiday clubs or after school clubs and so I worry that by complaining, she'll be asked to leave. The same as my DD was asked to leave swimming lessons as she took up too much of the instructors time and parents complained. Everyone is all about this 'everyone welcome' shit until it slightly impacts their lives and the autistic kid they meet isn't Sheldon Cooper!

Your poor DS. I think a conversation needs to happen definitely if he is to go back. Something as simple as asking for the child to have a very short nail clipping could help. And at the very least better supervision.

Your son wasn’t ‘slightly impacted’, he was the victim of gross bodily harm and assault.

I wouldn’t ask him to go back unless I could assure him that the girl wasn’t going to be there.

If you had a workplace where a colleague randomly punched you in the face, would you be happy to go back and sit at the desk next to his? Or would you expect the authorities to protect you?

Ah OP, you sound so measured and like a really good mum. Do you think the fact your DD has ADHD is blinding you on this? I get it, my son is autistic and know what rejection feels like.

Could you speak again to your son and ask what happened? Is he adamant he won't go back?

I would also speak to the provider and ask for the accident report and an outline of what they are doing to safeguard your son from future incidents happening.

Would I make him go? Possibly, if it was my only childcare and I had to work. If not I wouldn't force him going. I would consider pursuing a refund from the provider as they haven't been able to keep him safe.

@CharlotteOH

I wouldn’t ask him to go back unless I could assure him that the girl wasn’t going to be there.

Really? Or would it not be more sensible to speak to the provider and seek reassurance as to how they will be safeguarding her son? The consequences and future attendance of the girl aren't for OP to know, for obvious reasons.

I would demand my money back in order to pay for holiday childcare which didn’t involve my child being assaulted.

Additional needs are not an excuse - if she can’t handle being in a setting with other children without injuring them, she shouldn’t have been put there. Of course inclusion is important, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of other children’s safety.

It’s kind of you to be sympathetic, but her parents’ childcare needs are not your problem. I also think the example with your daughter and the swimming lessons is incomparable. Your daughter didn’t hurt anyone, she just needed a bit more support.

I wouldn’t say it’s a ‘condition you sign up for’. I’ve worked at a holiday club for children who either had SN or were on FSM. Violence was not tolerated and had any of the children hurt another child unprovoked, they wouldn’t have been allowed to come back.

In conclusion, please don’t send him back there. He needs to know that you have his back and won’t put him in a situation where he might get hurt. I’m sorry you and your son are dealing with this, it sounds very stressful.

Op, your son has to be your priority, but honestly some of the responses on here are ridiculous. It really doesn't need 'reporting' it is not necessarily the 'staffs fault for poor supervision' and actually yes sometimes children with additional needs (and without), especially younger children can just scratch another person without warning and very quickly. And sometimes this behaviour can be normal and typical in a minority of nd children. Dont forget nd is a spectrum which covers a whole host of different behaviours, challenges and abilities, and this differs from person to person. (I work in inclusion and disability, am nd myself and have nd children)

Op, I think the best route is to speak with the providers, try and understand what measures can and should be out in place to avoid any more incidents. And I would encourage your son to go back, whilst it is important to recognise and listen to his concerns, it is also important to encourage him to understand that you don't just drop out. Especially as it was a one time occurrence, it may never happen again, he may love it. Obviously if this happened multiple times then it would be a different story.

They need to keep your son safe. You need to understand what measures they're going to put in place to keep your son safe. Otherwise, you'd be being perfectly reasonable to demand a refund.

Child-on-child violence occurs and is not uncommon especially in younger age groups. It's not the end of the world - my DC has been hit, bitten and scratched in various settings before - but it's not enough for the staff to be 'apologetic' about it, they need a plan to stop it happening again.

You need to speak to them about how your Ds is been safeguarded.

It may be too much for the ither child. She may need more supervision or it may not be appropriate this needs challenging bot only for your own Ds but also for the other children attending

Have to agree with @dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwas
AD/being ND isn't an excuse or carte Blanche to behave like this without consequence. If a NT child had hurt another child this way they'd be excluded.

I wouldn't be sending him back. You know the other child is going to be excused now going forward and you will have to suck it up because there's a supposed reason. If she did that to him once and got away with it then she's probably found him to be a target in any case. He is upset, I wouldn't send him back. I would try asking for a refund if you also don't want to send your dd back too.

I think you have a case to demand a refund - attaching pictures of your sons injuries - stating how your son who had previously loved the club now refuses to go back.

Advocate for your child

he doesn’t want to go back.

ask for your money back

I would request and expect a refund. This is the first avenue to pursue.