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AIBU?

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Original poster

To make my son go back to holiday club

78 replies

karomakulture · 29/07/2022 23:51

My DS is 5 and very easy going. This year I signed him to a holiday club with his DS, which to be honest was at the top of what I could afford but it had brilliant reviews and lots of activities.
They both enjoyed yesterday but today my ds came out with a large scratch on his face and several on his arms. The lady said that a little girl with additional needs had done it, she was very apologetic and suggested that it was unprovoked. I didn't really think much of it but when we got home my son became very upset at that thought of going next week.
This is very unlike him. He has never even flinched going into school, he went to several nurseries, children's groups etc. I have no doubt that he must have been pushed or pulled around before. We also have a friend who's ds is quite rough and tumble and my son says 'ow that hurts' but rarely says he doesn't want to see him again.
My problem is, looking at the cuts (they're deep!) and thinking that this must have been a shock for DS, am I disregarding his feelings to send him back? I mean I wouldn't like to be attacked unprovoked?
Then there's the cost, I've spent several hundred on this holiday club to last the whole of the holidays, I doubt they will refund me to suit my sons whim? But then saying to Jim 'you're going back, end of' feels wrong too.
I'm also sympathetic as my DD has adhd and I feel that horrible judgement from others who just don't get it. I guess this is what I struggle with, inclusion of all kids means things like this will happen? The alternative is exclusion right? Imagine if they denied this girl a place and then her parents couldn't work? I mean I doubt that 1:1s extend to holiday clubs so if I were the parent I would just book in and hope that they could cope and that she could cope.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 30/07/2022 07:18

Agree with taking pictures.

Tollystar · 30/07/2022 07:19

Reassure your son that it's his decision whether or not to go, but say you need to speak to the provider (for all you know they have already excluded this child, as she may have done this to children all week). In the event the provider comes up with a plan to protect your son (the girl will have a 1-1, will be in a different building) you can explain this to your son and let him decide.

If he doesn't want to return, explain to the provider that your son is refusing to go back as he is is so upset about the injury, and as they have not safeguarded him, they have not fulfilled their side of the contract, so you require a refund for the remaining weeks so you can pay for alternative provision.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/07/2022 07:22

Readytoplay · 30/07/2022 00:30

It's not normal, even for an ND child, to just randomly scratch someone- so I would want to know how the incident occurred and what is going to be put in place to ensure it doesn’t happen again!

Coming from someone with ADHD:
It is not an excuse! I find it highly worrying how regularly I witness the high volume of people who defend these types of incidents with: “but they have special needs”!

This is going to lead to one or both of the following happening

  1. The current generation of NT children will become so intolerable of ND people, that by the time they are adults NDs are going to be so stigmatised they going to find it even more difficult to be seen as responsible and not ‘cognitively faulty’
  2. NDs will get it in their heads that because of their neurotype, people don’t believe they have the mens rea (The mental state of deliberately committing a crime) and can therefore get away with anything, feeding the already bad reputation of ND people.

As for your son OP, I am sorry that this has happened to him. I would probably try and encourage him to go back for one more day and see how he feels. He might have forgotten about the incident come Monday morning.

I agree. I'm sorry OP but you need to think of your son here, not the girl who hurt him.
You should be taking pictures, sending it to the people running the club and asking how they can ensure it doesn't happen again.
I'd be fuming if it happened to my child, I'm sorry but having additional needs does not give any child a right to hurt mine without consequence.

Mol1628 · 30/07/2022 07:23

karomakulture · 30/07/2022 00:07

@NuffSaidSam what I meant to say was that he was not initially upset when he came out, nor on the bus home, nor when watching a movie. It was when I was talking to him before bed that he started really crying, begging not to go back.

This is quite normal. Especially for younger children. It takes a lot to process big upsetting things like this. Don’t send him back he’s understandably been really affected by this.

Sweatinglikeabitch · 30/07/2022 07:25

I'd expect a refund. They've allowed your child to be attacked.

I do think you're letting your feeling about inclusion cloud your judgement although I'm on the fence about the swimming lessons, sounds like your daughter is better suited to 1:1s. There's nothing wrong with needing to provide different things for ND kids. Inclusion isn't just forcing ND kids to do the same as NT kids. But this kid is really hurting other kids, her parents can't just chuck her in a holiday club and cross their fingers.

UmbaRumba · 30/07/2022 07:29

Stop being a wuss. The staff need to up their game. You are your sons advocate

DurhamDurham · 30/07/2022 07:30

I'd ask for a refund, if they can't keep your son safe then what else can you do? I don't blame your son for not wanting to go back, if you came out of a session with deep scratches to your face and arms I don't think you're be over keen either.

quickchangeofname · 30/07/2022 07:31

I doubt they will refund me to suit my sons whim?

No, they will refund you because your son has been attacked in a place where he should have been safe.

No way would I send my child back knowing this could happen again.

KL29 · 30/07/2022 07:42

Stop worrying about the other girl and think about your son, he’s crying and very clearly upset and you’re worried about someone who has hurt him.

”mum I’ve been terribly assaulted by someone”
”I’d love to do something but I don’t want to ruin her parents holiday plans.. stop crying.. try and run aaay next time”

Reallenow · 30/07/2022 07:45

Why weren’t they supervised? Tgat would be my first question. If I didn’t get a satisfactory answer I wouldn’t take them back. I feel your pain OP- I spent a lot on a holiday club that DS doesn’t feel like doing. As life is a struggle at the moment this is money we desperately needed for other things. Not much I can do though.

TimeToGoUpAGear · 30/07/2022 07:51

OP - do you need the holiday club so you can work? I think that has a bearing here.

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2022 08:02

Mol1628 · 30/07/2022 07:23

This is quite normal. Especially for younger children. It takes a lot to process big upsetting things like this. Don’t send him back he’s understandably been really affected by this.

Show quote history

It is also normal for children to be overly upset about things when tired. I agree with what's been said re his safety/refund etc, but he might wake up and not feel as strongly about not going again. I'd approach it again later on, when he is properly awake, without over doing it.

HappyMeal564 · 30/07/2022 08:15

I think you have to stand up for your son. He will remember this, you don't want to get to a point where he doesn't tell you someone is hurting him because he's sent straight back to the person that did it. Go in with him on Monday and set out a plan of how he will be kept safe. If he still isn't happy you need to demand a refund and send him elsewhere. He can't have another child treating him like that. I would also question how she managed to cover him in scratches, someone should have been watching

Jolinar · 30/07/2022 08:48

I would check if the child was going back next week. If they were I would say that I didn't feel they could keep my child safe and demand a refund. Take photos of the injuries.

I've had the same happen to my child and a email including photos of the injuries and an explanation of how distressed my child was resulted in a full refund no questions asked.

Sunnysideup999 · 30/07/2022 08:56

You can’t send him back! If he’s begging not to go back, and this is out of character for him, he clearly had an awful time there.
often children take a while to process things - which is why some things only come to light at bedtime.
was there an accident/ incident report filled in ? We’re you given details of what happened? Assurance that it won’t happen again? It sounds unsafe.
it isn’t the other child’s fault of course - it sounds like there was inadequate supervision - and for this reason I would be demanding a refund.

Inmyonesie · 30/07/2022 09:01

100% don't send him back. Take photos of the marks and all for a refund. As an adult I would struggle to go back to the place I was assaulted, you can't expect a young child to.

WhatsInAMolatovMocktail · 30/07/2022 09:03

I would make a complaint to the management, email photos, ask why an incident report wasn’t sent to you straight away or at least when you picked up.
incident reports usually have a space for the parent to comment then sign.

The childcare provider is responsible to assess the needs of the kids at the club and appropriately safeguard all the children. They failed in this duty. It is breach of contract so you don’t need to return and you should get a refund.

Upsideandundergarments · 30/07/2022 09:13

I think open communication is what's required. I do think a call to the holiday club is needed. You sound very reasonable so just say you understand the difficulties but surely they see what happened was not acceptable. What are they going to do to keep your son and other children safe. I totally agree we desperately need to be more inclusive but not at the cost of endangering others. If you are happy with the response then sit down with your son and explain what happened to him was not ok and he deserves to be protected so you spoke to the leaders and they say they will do x and y.

Then, tbh, if I was happy with the leaders response I would send again but bring him to the leaders first thing and say if you feel unsafe this is who you go to immediately and, if possible, say if something happens then he can ask them to call you and you'll come straight away. Those holiday clubs are great and it would be a shame for him to miss out for something that wasn't his fault.

If the leaders are crap, downplay the incident or say they can't protect him then say they failed in the duty of care. You no longer feel safe and to refund you the money or you'll be forced to report and review on social media and you'd rather handle this privately. (You don't have to actually do this but it's not fair you suck up the cost)

Sswhinesthebest · 30/07/2022 09:16

Yes take photos, talk to them and if they can reassure you and your ds, then try again. But if it doesn’t work out, be like a dog with a bone for that refund.

Goldbar · 30/07/2022 09:22

Ponoka7 · 30/07/2022 08:02

It is also normal for children to be overly upset about things when tired. I agree with what's been said re his safety/refund etc, but he might wake up and not feel as strongly about not going again. I'd approach it again later on, when he is properly awake, without over doing it.

Show quote history

I agree. I think it would be a shame to overreact with the result that the OP's DS misses out on the rest of the camp, especially give that he enjoyed the first day. He sounds like the sort of child who will get a lot out of camp. But he needs to be safe and the OP needs to be able to reassure him that he will be safe. So I'd contact the management and ask what action will be taken to safeguard him going forward.

Original poster
karomakulture · 30/07/2022 09:37

Yes I definitely do need this childcare to work and there's so many in the area we have had to rule out because of DD (who will only go with DS). This one has a low stimulus area which is the draw and the staff are super good at dealing with her meltdowns.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 30/07/2022 09:44

Is this supposed to be childcare while you work? If so, what’s your back up plan if he doesn’t go?
I wouldn’t be waking away from that kind of money.
You need to have a proper conversation with them to find out more about what happened and what they’re going to do to prevent it happening again - They will not be put together in any group situations, they will not be left unsupervised…. Make it clear you are very unhappy and make them take it seriously. I would be giving them another chance based on their response.

MichelleScarn · 30/07/2022 09:48

karomakulture · 30/07/2022 09:37

Yes I definitely do need this childcare to work and there's so many in the area we have had to rule out because of DD (who will only go with DS). This one has a low stimulus area which is the draw and the staff are super good at dealing with her meltdowns.

Is this something he's been made aware of? That he has to go to this one because its meets the needs of his sister?
That's a lot of pressure for him if so.

Ishacoco · 30/07/2022 09:50

Put your son first. If you have contact details then send an email outlining the facts and your ongoing concerns this weekend. Then go in on Monday and explain that you're not happy with the safeguarding element and you need assurances that nothing of the kind will happen again with this little girl.

It's laudable that you want to look out for her as a ND child, but you need to put yours first and accept that the consequences for her behaviour are nothing to do with you.

OnlyTheBravest · 30/07/2022 09:51

I am going to against the grain. Decent childcare will be difficult to find at this late stage. Take him back on Monday. Speak to senior management about incident and what is being done to prevent it from happening again. Take photos beforehand to document DS injuries.

If unsatisfied with response ask for refund, remove DS and report to Ofsted.
The onus should be on the holiday club, if a child is attacking others, they should either have a 1-2-1 helper or be removed from club.