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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make my son go back to holiday club

78 replies

karomakulture · 29/07/2022 23:51

My DS is 5 and very easy going. This year I signed him to a holiday club with his DS, which to be honest was at the top of what I could afford but it had brilliant reviews and lots of activities.
They both enjoyed yesterday but today my ds came out with a large scratch on his face and several on his arms. The lady said that a little girl with additional needs had done it, she was very apologetic and suggested that it was unprovoked. I didn't really think much of it but when we got home my son became very upset at that thought of going next week.
This is very unlike him. He has never even flinched going into school, he went to several nurseries, children's groups etc. I have no doubt that he must have been pushed or pulled around before. We also have a friend who's ds is quite rough and tumble and my son says 'ow that hurts' but rarely says he doesn't want to see him again.
My problem is, looking at the cuts (they're deep!) and thinking that this must have been a shock for DS, am I disregarding his feelings to send him back? I mean I wouldn't like to be attacked unprovoked?
Then there's the cost, I've spent several hundred on this holiday club to last the whole of the holidays, I doubt they will refund me to suit my sons whim? But then saying to Jim 'you're going back, end of' feels wrong too.
I'm also sympathetic as my DD has adhd and I feel that horrible judgement from others who just don't get it. I guess this is what I struggle with, inclusion of all kids means things like this will happen? The alternative is exclusion right? Imagine if they denied this girl a place and then her parents couldn't work? I mean I doubt that 1:1s extend to holiday clubs so if I were the parent I would just book in and hope that they could cope and that she could cope.

OP posts:

bcc89 · 30/07/2022 09:52

karomakulture · 30/07/2022 09:37

Yes I definitely do need this childcare to work and there's so many in the area we have had to rule out because of DD (who will only go with DS). This one has a low stimulus area which is the draw and the staff are super good at dealing with her meltdowns.

That explains why you're calling it a "whim" that he doesn't want to go back, because that suits your needs more.

Your child has been attacked. They would need to put in proper provisions to stop the child doing it again, or I'd be requesting a refund, with pictures, and complaining to whoever is in charge of the club running.

Your child isn't there to be another child's punching bag, whether they have additional needs or not.

Beamur · 30/07/2022 09:54

I wouldn't force him to go at all. But would suggest he has a day or two not going and contact the club in the meantime. Explain why your son isn't attending and ask if they can put measures in place to ensure this doesn't happen again. If they can't assure you of that I wouldn't let him go back.
The fact that your other child won't go without him complicates the matter, but if it's not safe for him then maybe it's not going to work for either of them.

BattenburgDonkey · 30/07/2022 09:57

I'm also sympathetic as my DD has adhd and I feel that horrible judgement from others who just don't get it. I guess this is what I struggle with, inclusion of all kids means things like this will happen?

I think it’s not the right attitude to have that your son should go back because of your feelings towards a ND child and worrying about her parents feelings and wether they will be able to work. What about your son and his feelings? You are his parent, not this other random kids. It’s nice that you like inclusivity, don’t we all, but actually this is about your son and spending several more weeks somewhere he feels unhappy or unsafe. You should be contacting this holiday club and finding out exactly what happened, and If they can put things in place to try and ensure it doesn’t happen again and that they will help your son settle back in after what’s happened. If they can’t or won’t then you demand a refund.

I disregarding his feelings to send him back? I mean I wouldn't like to be attacked unprovoked?

yes it would be disregarding his feelings to just ‘send him back’ and if you wouldn’t like an unprovoked attack, why should he be ok with it?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/07/2022 09:57

Since it's just a holiday camp, I would ask for a refund rather than sending him back and discussing changes to prevent the same thing happening. Document the injury and ask for a refund by email making clear that he is not happy to return because of this incident.

I don't think this is a massive deal tbh - contrary to what others are saying, children this age (especially with developmental delays) do sometimes lash out, and if they are quick and it hasn't been a pattern it is hard to prevent 100%.

AppleKatie · 30/07/2022 09:59

I would give the club a chance to sort this going forward.

the best outcome would be for your DS to enjoy the next few weeks of camp and be able to put this one unfortunate incident behind him.

he does need to feel listened too and as someone said upthread properly emphasised with. This shouldn’t have happened- he shouldn’t have been hurt.

it doesn’t have to be unsalvageable though. Speak to the senior management ask for a robust plan to keep your son safe- different group, kept apart at free time etc…. A clear pathway of what he should do if it goes wrong and said child approaches him.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/07/2022 10:00

Oh I see you need it for childcare. In that case I would ask him to give it another go and make clear to the staff that you want them kept apart. It will almost certainly blow over - my DS is now very friendly with a little girl who heaved a rock at him in YR (similar issues).

KvotheTheBloodless · 30/07/2022 10:01

Cocopogo · 30/07/2022 00:00

It’s a difficult one op and you have a very good understanding of the situation where I think others won’t. Would your son agree to go if you tell him you’ll have a chat with the adults to make sure he doesn’t get hurt again? And as hard as it is put some strategies in place to avoid the girl? Otherwise I think you are well within your rights to get a full refund as they can’t safeguard your son through nobodies fault.

But it IS their fault - if they're not able to appropriately supervise this little girl, they should never have accepted responsibility for her! Reasonable adjustments must be reasonable, so if they can't provide a 121 due to cost then that's not a reasonable thing to ask them to do and they should refuse to allow the little girl to attend.

It is really shit for her parents, but no child should be coming home badly hurt as a result of inclusion.

SarahSissions · 30/07/2022 10:11

I would push for a full refund, and if they won’t give that then say he will go back on the condition your children and this girl are kept 100% separate. If they can’t facilitate that then you go back to the refund.
i absolutely wouldn’t just accept the loss.
their first responsibility is to keep the children in their care safe, which they have failed on. Yes there should be tolerance, understanding and kindness to rads this girl with additional needs- but that isn’t and shouldn’t be at the expense of other children. Your son is not a punchbag.

Quia · 30/07/2022 10:17

karomakulture · 29/07/2022 23:55

@Margot78 so would you just suck up the cost? Or demand your money back?? I don't even know if I can do that. Surely it's a condition you kind of sign up for.

You really don't sign up for your child being attacked to the extent he has deep cuts and is seriously upset. You are entitled to your money back. Make sure you take photos of the cuts and ask for a copy of their internal report on this.

rainbowunicorn · 30/07/2022 10:19

All of your posts are focussed on other people rather than your poor son. You are worried about the impact on the child that assaulted him. You are worried how her parents feel, your son needs to go to that provider beacuse it is the only one suitable for your daughter.
Your poor son seems to come second tpo everyone here.

Just because a child has additioanla needs does not mean that other children should have to accept being assaulted. There is only so far inclusion can go.

irisetta · 30/07/2022 10:35

I have an autistic child, so I get it as well. However I would NEVER force a child to return to a place where they've obviously suffered a trauma intense enough to cause real terror at the thought of returning.

creamwitheverything · 30/07/2022 10:40

If it was my child,and we are talking about a little boy here, he would not be going back. Far too many incidents are brushed off due to staff being afraid to tackle things like this and its wrong. You should have been called after the incident took place point one in my book.No way on earth would my child be reintroduced to allow this to possibly) happen again. You see a lot of this in primary schools and it causes lots of distress and upset when a child cannot control their behaviour and its passed off as poor purpitrator not so poor bloody victim,It is simply not good enough, Admitted it is easy for me to say as I don;t need childcare in any way but i do know of a few incidents like this through my friends and fellow parents its just awful for them, I have no hesitation in saying you put your child,their interests and their wellbeing first everytime.One time is way too much for most children.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/07/2022 10:54

Btw I am surprised a member of staff told you that "a little girl with additional needs" had scratched your DS. Staff are normally very careful to say "another child" and definitely not to comment on any additional needs. In all the times DS has been involved in deliberate or accidental incidents with other children, staff have chosen their words with great care.

DS obviously then rats the other child out fully.

MichelleScarn · 30/07/2022 11:34

@TheYearOfSmallThings they may have just implied this perhaps? My dc was properly smashed in the face by another child at school, burst lip, black eye- same child who had previously scratched and pinched them on 3 occasions (told by dc not school), school also saying this is always unprovoked when I queried what was being done to safeguard my child, was rather snippily told 'all children have their own needs and we need to work with this' so from that deduced additional needs.

PurpleWisteria · 30/07/2022 11:35

If the staff are unable to protect your DS then the other child should be excluded as they are failing both of them.

FayeGovan · 30/07/2022 11:39

Why the hell would you send him back there, do his feelings not count??? Good grief. Hes been badly hurt and is begging not to go back and you have to ask mumsnet what to do?????

Poor kid, that's all i can say.

Govesdancingpartner · 30/07/2022 11:49

NuffSaidSam · 30/07/2022 00:04

I didn't really think much of it

I think this is quite telling!

You didn't think much of your son coming out with several deep scratches on his face and arms?!

I think you need to properly empathise with your child. You're not going to be able to reassure him if you don't appear to be that bothered! Acknowledge his feelings. Then discuss with him a plan that means he can continue to attend.

Call and speak to someone senior and ask what plan they've put in place to stop this happening again.

Talk about this with your son and see if he feels more comfortable going again with a plan in place.

If they don't have a plan or you think the plan is lacking/won't keep your son safe then don't send him. Ask for a refund and see what they say.

Agree with this comment, you also seem more concerned about the money than your sons welfare.
No don't send him back and obviously you will get your money back. Your ds was attacked and injured it is not a safe place for him

MichelleScarn · 30/07/2022 12:04

I do think you need to speak with him very soon to let him know he doesn't have to go back there and you'll also be speaking with the staff of the club to make sure they can keep him safe.

Doorhandleghost · 30/07/2022 14:53

I wouldn't send him back and I'd ask for a refund.

What I don't like about it is that they've specified it's a child with additional needs - so you are supposed to excuse it because of that, right? And not make any issue out of it, because if you do it means you're unsympathetic and suddenly this is your problem not theirs. Who knows if it actually was child with additional needs???

MichelleScarn · 01/08/2022 14:25

Did he go back @karomakulture?

Original poster

karomakulture · 02/08/2022 13:01

@MichelleScarn his first day back is tomorrow but he's still nervous

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2022 19:47

Fingers crossed it goes OK, what's the safety plan if he's assaulted again?

FayeGovan · 02/08/2022 20:29

Why did you even bother with this thread if you were planning on sending him anyway@karomakulture ??

FayeGovan · 02/08/2022 20:30

Poor wee bugger.

godmum56 · 02/08/2022 20:33

dontyouwishyourgirlfriendwas · 30/07/2022 01:34

I would demand my money back in order to pay for holiday childcare which didn’t involve my child being assaulted.

Additional needs are not an excuse - if she can’t handle being in a setting with other children without injuring them, she shouldn’t have been put there. Of course inclusion is important, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of other children’s safety.

It’s kind of you to be sympathetic, but her parents’ childcare needs are not your problem. I also think the example with your daughter and the swimming lessons is incomparable. Your daughter didn’t hurt anyone, she just needed a bit more support.

I wouldn’t say it’s a ‘condition you sign up for’. I’ve worked at a holiday club for children who either had SN or were on FSM. Violence was not tolerated and had any of the children hurt another child unprovoked, they wouldn’t have been allowed to come back.

In conclusion, please don’t send him back there. He needs to know that you have his back and won’t put him in a situation where he might get hurt. I’m sorry you and your son are dealing with this, it sounds very stressful.

This. All of this. I wouldn't call not wanting to go back somewhere that you have been the subject of an unprovoked attack a "whim"

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