Demisexuality

[ThePriceOfSugar]

I hate using the nouveau term for this, but it is useful shorthand.

I am 24 and single, and I find I am just not sexually attracted to anyone if I don't have an emotional or intellectual connection to them. I have zero interest in sleeping with even very attractive people without that connection.

It's not that I am playing coy or only want to do it in the context of a serious relationship, but purely that I have no arousal or interest until I am close with someone or admire them.

I'm definitely not asexual and I've experienced this with both men and women, so I don't think it's an orientation thing.

Is this normal/ a thing lots of people (women) experience? Or am I hormonally unbalanced or something? I have never had a ONS, and to some degree feel I am missing out on some fun experiences.

AIBU?

sounds like a fancy label for saying you don't have/want one night stands.
Who cares?

@JunkIsland

You say you saw your friend go through something similiar and they felt like an outsider and then continue to say no one felt broken?
And there shouldn’t be a comminity to find like minded people?

What a rollercoaster of a comment!

You seem to care.
Why else leave a snarky, useless comment.

It is not a ridiculous question but it is a ridiculous label. I'd be willing to bet that at least some of your friends don't enjoy the casual sex as much as they say they do at as much as they think they should.

Being young is a time of working out who you are and what you like, what your boundaries are and what attracts you, what sort of person you want to be . Not being sure of all that is absolutely normal and some experimentation is fine . You also don't need to experiment if you know what you want . Whilst it is normal to not know exactly what you want in some areas of your life it is also normal to clearly know on other areas. You know what you want in sex. Someone of your friends will know what they want but she will be experimenting and working things out

There is no need to label this, it is just who you are and that is absolutely fine . It really is

ha! I am this then.

It’s completely normal if you’re sober. Less common when pissed.

Out of interest, do you drink alcohol at all?

And there shouldn’t be a comminity to find like minded people?

Like minded people? Most of the world doesn't just fancy any person that looks attractive, most people need some sort of connection, something else that gives a spark. You're surrounded by like minded people but probably too much navel gazing has made you blind (you'll grow out of it).

@Shelby2010 I definitely drink, but it doesn't affect my (un)willingness to get down with people I don't know!

I’m actually coming to believe that the term demisexual is just as offensive as the term slut. Whether a person prefers sex with a stranger or not shouldn’t matter. The current dating culture has shifted and now people who don’t have immediate sex are being labeled just like other groups used to be labeled.

if there was an equivalent word in use and people declared themselves as casual bed hoppers but might be different, but instead people are acting like hook-ups are actually the default.

😂😂😂not without informed consent.
Why call it Demi though? Demi mean half, what's the other half?

Why would a demisexual woman need to find a demisexual man? Once you're actually in a relationship it's completely irrelevant.

Dh definitely doesn't and didn't meet the definition but it didn't stop us having a perfectly run of the mill "courtship" (vom). People who are happy to shag someone theyve just met are also generally happy to shag someone who was just a friend first if they're attracted to them.

Batman - no rollercoaster here. The friend I am most thinking of here was asexual. I know they experienced isolation and embarrassment due to being ‘different’. They were also the focus of gossip and speculation about their sexuality because asexual just wasn’t an option people could conceive of. I’m glad it’s understood now.

Other friends ranged in terms of sexual behaviour and interest - but nobody was worrying about being demisexual. If anything, the reverse - young women were still ashamed about liking sex too much or feeling attraction too easily when I was younger. Feels like we’ve swapped one restrictive idea of normal for another.

It’s a pretty crap label.

Demi = half. So if you need to be emotionally/ intellectually attracted to the person first, you’re not fully sexual. Just half a sexual bring. Being fully sexual means being in it purely for the sex, presumably.

If that isn’t a male-led notion, I don’t know what is 🙄

It's quite normal @ThePriceOfSugar and I really resent that it's been given this stupid term.

I suspect it's much more common for women to feel this way about sexual attraction inked to relationship - because women have so much more at stake in sex - the risk of unwanted pregnancy or disease.

Yup, preliminary findings for this group- no kind of sexual behaviour, or lack of it, breaches social norms.

Creation of new terminology relating sexual appetite or disposition is, by contrast, considered highly taboo and provocative 🧐

Fascinating!

I'm coming to agree with everyone saying this doesn't need a label. I'm otherwise not a fan of them - I even struggle to say I'm "bi". But I've enjoyed the discussion about what is "normal"! I live in New York city, a particular place when it comes to dating and identity politics.

People are aware that sexuality is about attraction and not who someone has sex with? Unless you think a heterosexual person can't be a virgin or celibate?

If demisexuality is so normal then why do we have huge threads about people lusting over Greg Davis or Adam Driver and why is being a sex symbol a thing?

You think asexuality is a psychological problem? And is not normal?

@JosephineGH in my experience, the city is still hugely transactional. Everyone is trying to get as much as possible while giving as little as possible, which may contribute to my lack of interest.. but I still felt this way when I lived in New Zealand

It's a ridiculous idea to need or worse, feel pressurised into owning, a label for making a choice that suits you.
There's no such sexuality, it's a behaviour and a social preference.
If people try to make you feel awkward and left out about it they are not worth your time or headspace. Don't pander to them.

Because as with most things, there is a range of what is 'normal'
It's really not a difficult concept.