Demisexuality

[ThePriceOfSugar]

I hate using the nouveau term for this, but it is useful shorthand.

I am 24 and single, and I find I am just not sexually attracted to anyone if I don't have an emotional or intellectual connection to them. I have zero interest in sleeping with even very attractive people without that connection.

It's not that I am playing coy or only want to do it in the context of a serious relationship, but purely that I have no arousal or interest until I am close with someone or admire them.

I'm definitely not asexual and I've experienced this with both men and women, so I don't think it's an orientation thing.

Is this normal/ a thing lots of people (women) experience? Or am I hormonally unbalanced or something? I have never had a ONS, and to some degree feel I am missing out on some fun experiences.

AIBU?

It's called attraction .

Are you saying that you have never experienced any kind of sexual interest in anyone unless you knew them well? Because that’s what Demi sexual means, it’s got nothing to do with one night stands. It means you literally do not fancy or have any sexual or romantic interest in anyone unless you know them well, no celebrity crushes, no noticing an attractive person in a club or at work etc.

that's about right

Yes and unlike men, when I don't feel connection with my partner, I don't want to have sex with him. So it isn't even a one time thing, it has to be constant.

I think I may be Demi semi sexual.
I like it it very short bursts.

You sound totally normal to me, OP (except for using the word 'demisexuality'). Most women I have known - in various age brackets - don't want to have sex with someone they don't have a connection with. Some of the men I have known have also felt this way, but most have been happy to have sex whenever it's available.

The people here are frightened by the future because they're a bunch of old, repressed and irrelevant women looking for meaning where there is none

The fact that you're using 'old' as a negative says more about you than the others on the thread. People are trying to reassure the OP that there's no need for her to worry that she is 'hormonally unbalanced' or 'missing out' because her attitude to sex is shared by many and not unusual.

I thought everyone was only attracted to people they didn’t hate. This obsession with labelling things that don’t need to be labelled needs to stop!

Nah not really. Most of us have been round long enough to realise that when you reach a certain age, the labels and boxes you used to try and put yourself in when you were younger and needing to fit in, is all bullshit.

There's a certain kind of confidence and realisation when you get older, that all the angst and naval gazing was just a part of growing up.

We can even oversee snipey, patronising comments from younger people who think they know it all, and we know nothing.

You are. You definitely are.

Nupto-sexual makes much more sense than most other new sexualities I've heard of this year.

I've never had a ONS- they don't appeal in the slightest. I'm nearly 40. Only ever had one boyfriend from 16 and who I'm still married to.

If anyone tried to to pin a bloody ludicrous gender/sexuality type to me I'd go apeshit tbh and if anyone introduced themselves as demisexual to me I can't say I'd be particularly impressed with it. Why do people need to label normal behaviour? I don't get it. Does it actually impress people?

You are normal, OP. You don't need a label.

I don't think anyone needs a label regarding their sexuality outside of gay, bi, and straight. Everything else is just a preference and does not need a name or a flag.

It's perfectly normal and doesn't need a special name.

It is perfectly normal. My DH has been my only and he was the first guy I dated that has ever challenged me intellectually.

I didn’t want to wait till I was married but I knew I always wanted that connection first.

That's the patriarchy.

Always telling us to spread our legs for any male basically.

Not all of us have fallen for their bullshit.
In any age group, you get to decide what goes in your body.

I believe most women need to have an emotional connection before having sex with anyone. Nothing strange about it. Just personal preference, what ever you are comfortable with.

I had quite a few one night stands when I was younger. They were always shit for me and I suspect I did it because I felt I should.

So yes, I only want to have sex with people I have an emotional connection with - I quite often find someone initially unattractive/unremarkable and then attraction builds as I get to know them well. I think that's pretty common.

I can see objectively that Chris Hemsworth is very beautiful and I enjoy looking at him, but I don't want to have sex with him or anyone else I don't know (sorry Chris, I know you're gutted).

Maybe "normal behavior" has been redefined. Amongst my friends and peers, it's normal to meet new people just for sex. Male and female, gay, straight, bi. "Dating" is sex along with a drink or going to a museum, or something.

That's why it's not a ridiculous label or question.

Honestly... it's fine to feel the way you do.
Not sure anyone cares about how you feel about relationships.

You really don't need a label for it.
Just live your life, the way you want.

Funnily enough now I'm older that's how I like to 'date'.

But when I was young I wanted romance, a connection, fun, laughter, sharing etc etc.

You can live how you want to live and you can find your tribe, lots of younger people aren't like this at all, so maybe broaden your social network and you'll meet lots of different people with different 'rules'

No one is saying it's not normal to meet new people for sex. But there's more than one type of normal; yours is another type of normal.

Like some people prefer to shop in Sainsbury's and some prefer Tesco. If all your friends shopped in Sainsbury's, but you preferred Tesco, that wouldn't make you 'not normal'.

@ThePriceOfSugar you are totally normal! And lucky, it’s a much easier way to be imho as you are less likely to make big mistakes about potential partners just because you fancy how they look so much it clouds your judgement.

I sort of agree that it doesn’t need a label, especially “Demi” because it sounds like you’re only half of what’s normal. Whereas not being up for it all the time is a pretty normal default I would say. However, I can kind of see why it’s useful too, for example if someone describes themselves to you as having a very high sex drive, and you know you fit the definition of Demisexual there’s a good chance you will become mismatched in that way in future, and so you’ll probably want to avoid getting too entangled.

Agreed on the sex positivity nonsense, most of that stuff is imho deeply unsexy and usually a just designed to trick women into trying stuff they’re really not into. You might find “female dating strategy” forums interesting and quite entertaining, probably more women on there who share your perspective. Kink shaming’s good, and appropriate, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

This isn’t new - I remember debating why it existed with annoying people on bloody livejournal back in 2005. It remains just as silly now.