Demisexuality

[ThePriceOfSugar]

I hate using the nouveau term for this, but it is useful shorthand.

I am 24 and single, and I find I am just not sexually attracted to anyone if I don't have an emotional or intellectual connection to them. I have zero interest in sleeping with even very attractive people without that connection.

It's not that I am playing coy or only want to do it in the context of a serious relationship, but purely that I have no arousal or interest until I am close with someone or admire them.

I'm definitely not asexual and I've experienced this with both men and women, so I don't think it's an orientation thing.

Is this normal/ a thing lots of people (women) experience? Or am I hormonally unbalanced or something? I have never had a ONS, and to some degree feel I am missing out on some fun experiences.

AIBU?

This me I think. I’ve had one or two ONS’s but I didn’t enjoy them, they felt a bit sordid.

I am so glad I’m old when I read shit like this

At the end of the day looks change but if you have the deeper connection it doesn’t matter. You notice it less.

There is no right or wrong way though as we are all different. Both are normal.

My main reaction to casual encounters (they happen occasionally) is boredom. For example, I met a girl at a party, she was super beautiful and really interested in hooking up with me. We kissed a bit but I was thinking the whole time of how boring it was and at what moment it wouldn't be rude to get up and go get a drink (escape).

That's kind of what I mean by missing out- having the spontaneous lust looks fun.

It's just amazing how we figured out how to have the sex we wanted back in the old days!!

Without labels or bloggers or online opinions and we still managed it. Shocking altogether!!!!

It is normal, it is not worthy of a label, it is just part of your personality.

I don’t know why, but MN have a real chip on their shoulder about asexuality / demisexuality, let alone labels.

Can’t speak for others, but I find the label demisexual a bit offensive. My sexuality isn’t incomplete in any way, which is what the term suggests.

I see why all these labels seem attractive at first. It's just like a shorthand way of des ribibg aspects of yourself in a way that other people "get".

Except, people are more than just the sum of their most obvious personality traits. Even boring, old, middle aged harpies like myself have a unique personality (shock horror!!)

So either you have 7 billion different categories, or you try and shoe horn yourself into a pigeonhole that doesn't really describe you. I think I'll just stick with real chats with my actual friends ("do you ever feel XYZ?" "yeah I know what you mean! But sometimes it's a bit more ABC" etc) and I won't bother with crude, inaccurate labels for people who don't actually know me.

Don’t use it then, not everything is about / for you.

But it can help others.

I felt tremendous amount relief when I found the "label" asexuality. Always thought I was broken or that there was something wrong with me.
It was horrible growing up thinking I would at some point have to have sex (”everybody does it”, being a virgin was the most embarrassing thing you could be) but not liking anyone like that, ever.

So the least we can do is allow the labels help the one’s who need it.

This is not really a "thing". It is just normal. Most people, especially most women, prefer to have sex with someone they have feelings for. In fact our brains and endocrine systems are meant to work that way.

I'm exactly the same as you. I'm 51 and still the same. I think women experience this more than men tbh.
I only ever fancy someone when I know them.
I haven't missed out too much looking back lol xx

Do we care? Do we need a special word for those who don't drop their pants at the mere glance of Rob Lowes face or a whiff of Jude Law's pheromone laden scent?

Very true. Do what you want op. Absolutely nobody cares. Why does everything need a term now?

You are normal rather than promiscuous. Normal is good. We need more normal. HTH.

Is anyone else feeling like the token whore of Babylon here for having great sex with someone they just met 😂

You'd be amazed at how many people feel similar at the idea of a hookup. Often the idea of these things is infinitely more appealing than the reality. It's just that movies, social media and a lack of honest discourse perpetuates the idea that sparks are inevitable.

There really doesn’t need to be a word for this, it’s normal.

So we shouldn't have words for things that are normal?

I have too, as well as the polar opposite. The point is that both (plus everything in between) is all normal!

That is no different than saying, some people aren't that into sex, and that's fine. But just saying that has the advantage that it doesn't become an identity crutch. It's something about you, and some other people, that is the case, at least for now. Chances are there is a reason, which may or may not matter, but it is likely quite different from some other people's reasons for not being keen.

This idea that labels and diagnosis are what you need to know and accept yourself is basically the opposite of the kind of self-knowledge that creates real rootedness which has a lot to do with leaving labels behind.

@ThePriceOfSugar 😂very much enjoying this thread, lots of people seem to have a “well it’s bloody obvious what’s normal isn’t it?” reactions, and then go on to describe what feel like a sets of norms that are very specific to a time, place or stage in life.

@Circleofshells Anthropology in action!

I think there are plenty of demisexual men out there too. You maybe just haven't met the right one yet and they are probably under even more pressure than you not to admit it.

Don’t use it then, not everything is about / for you.

Bit rude - I said why I (as someone who would fall within the op’s definition) don’t like the term. I’ve not suggested anywhere that everything is about me. But the question was asked as to why people have a problem with it, and this is my answer.

The fact you think the term is helpful and there are people who ‘need’ it actually neatly illustrates the problem. This wasn’t something anyone needed help accepting until recently. Which suggests that the boundaries of what is considered ‘normal’, unremarkable sexuality are constricting rather than expanding, leaving people seeking the reassurance that there are others like them.

I’m talking specifically about op’s use of demisexual btw - I get why asexuality is helpful to people as a term. I saw friends grow up who didn’t go through crushes and all that goes with that, and know they felt like outsiders. Now it’s an understood, accepted and valid identity - great. But nobody felt incomplete or broken a few decades ago for feeling like the op describes - if they do now and need the solace of a label and a community, then that’s hardly a good thing.

@MangyInseam
You really couldn’t bother reading my comment huh?

That sounds like being bisexual. I thought sexuality was about the type of sex (f or m) you are sexually attracted to. You can in theory like either sexually so it's being bisexual. The way you choose to select your sexual partner (by getting to know them and establishing a mental connection) is your style of attraction not sexuality. Or have I misunderstood completely?

That sounds like being bisexual. I thought sexuality was about the type of sex (f or m) you are sexually attracted to. You can in theory like either sexually so it's being bisexual. The way you choose to select your sexual partner (by getting to know them and establishing a mental connection) is your style of attraction not sexuality. Or have I misunderstood completely?