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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stepson opinions

80 replies

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:29

I've been with my partner 6 years I have a 10 year old dd, he has a 14 year old ds and together we have a three year old and a one year old.

dss lives with his mum stepdad and little sister- dp has never loved full time with his son
my dd sees her dad eow and once during the week

dss used to see his dad the same but when our first child together was born he stopped coming his mum said we made him feel anxious (he disclosed things to us about his mum and stepdad my partner spoke to the mum she said he was saying that same things about us to her they were meant to sort this together but the mum then just stopped contact saying he didn't want it and then covid struck)

so here we are three years later and contact is sporadic at best but if we are doing something fun or buying him things he will come and see us. We include him and invite him everywhere we go as a family but 99-% of the time his mum doesn't allow him to come. DSS has now stated that he only wants to see his dad and not any of the rest of us.

I don't know where we go from here DP has arranged to see him next week alone for the first time in two months which is great but I am really sad that he doesn't want to see his younger siblings. I have asked DP what the future plan will be and he just bites my head off and says I am selfish. But as a mum and with a child who also has a step parent I just don't think it's a fair thing to put on a family. I don't get one on one time with my dd and she doesn't with her dad she is in a family unit in both homes and she is very happy.

Aibu to be concerned about the consequences this could have for our family in the future? I ask DP what will happen if DSS decides to see his siblings but not his stepsister (who adores him) and he just kept telling me I was selfish.

OP posts:

Ontomatopea · 27/07/2022 20:31

I don't get one on one time with my dd why not? It must be hard for her to never have you to herself.

POTC · 27/07/2022 20:33

You need to give his son the space to have that relationship with his father, even if that means doing it without you. I say that as someone who didn't have her mother in her life much for 20 years as she refused my request to see her without the bf when I was 14.

Original poster

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:33

i work full time so does partner when we aren't working one of us has all three children.

OP posts:

Ontomatopea · 27/07/2022 20:36

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:33

i work full time so does partner when we aren't working one of us has all three children.

I'd take a day off to spend with your own DD on her own tbh.

Ontomatopea · 27/07/2022 20:37

Ontomatopea · 27/07/2022 20:36

I'd take a day off to spend with your own DD on her own tbh.

Show quote history

Or on the rare day you are all together do something with her while he does something without you.

Original poster

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:38

Ontomatopea · 27/07/2022 20:36

I'd take a day off to spend with your own DD on her own tbh.

Show quote history

Can I ask why? I never had one on one time with my mum me
and my siblings were always together same as my nieces and nephews so it's never struck me as something that needs to be done- now we do go shopping together when she needs things or if there is something in cinema she wants to see we go together because of the age gap I wouldn't have her missing out on things her age group likes to do

OP posts:

Ontomatopea · 27/07/2022 20:40

Cos 10 is the start of the tweenage years.very tricky time.

FlissyPaps · 27/07/2022 20:40

DSS stopped coming when your first child together was born. - Could he have been jealous? Felt a bit pushed out and left out, especially being the eldest. Most of yours and your partners attention would have been on the baby.

he disclosed things to us about his mum and stepdad my partner spoke to the mum she said he was saying that same things about us to her they were meant to sort this together but the mum then just stopped contact saying he didn't want it and then covid struck - This also suggests he was feeling a bit left out and just wanted some attention. It obviously backfired on him and maybe he felt a little guilty.

We include him and invite him everywhere we go as a family but 99-% of the time his mum doesn't allow him to come Is this definite? Has his mum ever have a reason why she doesn’t allow him to visit and stay with you? I would be questioning this.

DSS has now stated that he only wants to see his dad and not any of the rest of us. This could link back to him feeling jealous and pushed out. He doesn’t feel like a family around you and the other kids. Maybe he has some childhood trauma of his mum and dad splitting up.

I have asked DP what the future plan will be and he just bites my head off and says I am selfish. You don’t come across as selfish, but you maybe need to reign it in a little. This will be a big step for your partner, if he hasn’t seen his son in a while. Leave them be at the moment. Allow them to rekindle their relationship without the expectations of slotting back into family life with younger siblings.

Why don’t you get one on one time with your DD? Are you able to pencil in an hour or so a night with her? Or an activity on the weekend?

Just10moreminutesplease · 27/07/2022 20:41

It sounds like your stepson is struggling with his dad having two new children that he lives with full time, something he has never had. This is pretty understandable, especially as it sounds like he also has a half sibling at his mum’s house?

Your DH needs to continue meeting him alone until he is ready to see you all again. Therapy would probably be helpful if his dad can afford it.

Obviously you should be able to have 1:1 time with your daughter too. Is your husband preventing this?

Original poster

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:44

His mum and dad were never together so no memory of them splitting up.

this is maybe why I'm feeling a little confused by it all as I don't get one on one time with my daughter and if I did I don't know where I would for it in as as well as working full time it's just me and the kids in the evenings as partner works later and he does his hobby at weekends

OP posts:

FlissyPaps · 27/07/2022 20:47

Well for starters he needs to give you a bit of respite. You are entitled to a break and time out for your hobbies just as much as he is. Time out for one on one time and time out for “me-time”.

Does he have to do his hobbies? Are they essential?? If not, he should be able to step up and do childcare at the weekend to allow you this time.

I agree in the sense that he will need one on one time with your DSS. But it will only be fair if you can do the same with your DD. And as well as with your two younger kids.

JamSandwich89 · 27/07/2022 20:50

I would say you having one on one time with your daughter is more important than your husband's hobbies.

Also, regarding the stepson, as PPs say give them space.

Testina · 27/07/2022 20:50

One to one time with your daughter is completely irrelevant!
How you parent a child is based on their needs not on you trying to bake everything the same.

He’s 14 and has missed a lot of time with his dad. Your 10yo isn’t his sister, and I doubt he’s interested in a girl that age. His half siblings (I’m being accurate here, I fully accept that a lot of people wouldn’t use half) are under 3 so (a) they’re unlikely to be of interest to him and (b) they’re timed pretty much around Covid. So he must barely know them, and quite possibly doesn’t relate to them as being siblings half or otherwise at all.

He wants 1:1 time with his dad - that’s great!
He doesn’t want to hang out having “family time” with a 10yo girl and two toddlers 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with your husband - you’re being selfish.

Original poster

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:53

Thanks everyone for your thoughts they are much appreciated I will take them on board :)

OP posts:

Testina · 27/07/2022 20:54

“And then Covid struck”
Every separated family I know maintained contact during Covid. I know one where a parent was CEV so during the first lockdown they all happily agreed to video calls with dad. But they still had contact. It’s a shame your husband didn’t find a way through Covid.

Original poster

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:55

His sons mum wouldn't allow visits she only allowed him to call to the garden gate once a fortnight which he did

OP posts:

Whydothat · 27/07/2022 20:57

Your SS didn't ask to be part of a blended family. His dad now has 2 extra children who get him full time and a SD who gets him the majority of the time and his first born only gets to see him occasionally when he's busy with his other children/stepchild/new partner. Let the boy build up a relationship again with the person who he really wants a relationship with. Maybe in time he will want to be part of his dads new family again but for now he is telling you what he needs and tbh he's not asking a lot.

FlissyPaps · 27/07/2022 20:58

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 20:55

His sons mum wouldn't allow visits she only allowed him to call to the garden gate once a fortnight which he did

Did she give a reason why?

FilePhoto · 27/07/2022 21:07

Let him have 1-1 time with his dad if that's what he wants.

My ex refused to see the DCs without his wife/step children/ younger children being there. They have no relationship with him now.

Original poster

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 21:11

Obviously there would never be a refusal to see him I just find it sad that there's no relationships with the siblings

I lnow I don't factor in this and I don't expect to at all. If he wanted to see dad and the siblings I'd be fine with that I wouldn't demand me to be included at all

OP posts:

BigYellowElephant · 27/07/2022 21:16

I cant get past you never having 1-1 time with your Dd! I'm a lone parent to three girls and they all get 1-1 time, it's a juggle and family have to help out at times but it's so vitally important so I make it happen. You've got a partner so there's no reason at all why your daughter can't have some time with just you. It's a big age gap (I have similar with my girls) and she won't want to do the same stuff as the babies. You will find the teenage years a lot easier if you start prioritising this now, trust me

Original poster

MumlifeSumlife · 27/07/2022 21:19

I don't have extra family help and my partner is working or busy

OP posts:

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 27/07/2022 21:20

Ime blended families can become fragmented at times. Let dp spend time with his ds as they should... In time I promise things will change..
Don't think this arrangement is set in stone op.

CallOnMe · 27/07/2022 21:23

Just give it time.

He wants 1-1 time with his dad and that’s absolutely fine!
I’m sure it will only be temporary and he’ll soon want to go back to spending more time with you and his siblings.

I think it’s important than children spend 1-1 time with their parents even if it’s an hour after work once a month.

It sounds like you are jealous they get 1-1 time when you don’t, which is very unfair.

Mally100 · 27/07/2022 21:25

I think you need to step aside from this. Their relationship is very fractured and the dss is making small steps with his dad. They need the space to do that. And sorry to be blunt, if he doesn't want a relationship with your dd then so be it. They aren't related and he doesn't need to be forced to. With the other kids, that might come in time but for now I would just give them time to get back on track. You are asking your dp for answers about hypothetical situations which he cannot give you right now, and no wonder he is frustrated.

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