Stepson opinions

[MumlifeSumlife]

Hi

I've been with my partner 6 years I have a 10 year old dd, he has a 14 year old ds and together we have a three year old and a one year old.

dss lives with his mum stepdad and little sister- dp has never loved full time with his son
my dd sees her dad eow and once during the week

dss used to see his dad the same but when our first child together was born he stopped coming his mum said we made him feel anxious (he disclosed things to us about his mum and stepdad my partner spoke to the mum she said he was saying that same things about us to her they were meant to sort this together but the mum then just stopped contact saying he didn't want it and then covid struck)

so here we are three years later and contact is sporadic at best but if we are doing something fun or buying him things he will come and see us. We include him and invite him everywhere we go as a family but 99-% of the time his mum doesn't allow him to come. DSS has now stated that he only wants to see his dad and not any of the rest of us.

I don't know where we go from here DP has arranged to see him next week alone for the first time in two months which is great but I am really sad that he doesn't want to see his younger siblings. I have asked DP what the future plan will be and he just bites my head off and says I am selfish. But as a mum and with a child who also has a step parent I just don't think it's a fair thing to put on a family. I don't get one on one time with my dd and she doesn't with her dad she is in a family unit in both homes and she is very happy.

Aibu to be concerned about the consequences this could have for our family in the future? I ask DP what will happen if DSS decides to see his siblings but not his stepsister (who adores him) and he just kept telling me I was selfish.

Why didn't he go to court over it?

i Have never stated that dss should never have one on one time with his dad

I am not trying to dictate their relationship I have gave my partner no ultimatums nor will I

i was simply asking if I was being unreasonable in being concerned what would happen to the 'family' if dss continues to refuse to see the rest of us. Again I am not concerned about me but I would like the children to all have a relationship.

my partner said I was selfish for being worried about that I was having a hypothetical conversation with my partner and I was taken aback at his response. DSS hasn't stated that he wants some one on one with dad he has said he doesn't want to see the rest of us. I do feel that if that doesn't change it will be damaging to the whole family- eg christmas at grandparents will some of us have to stay away so dss goes.

I will also add that it is my children who haven't been brought out on trips with their grandparents as they have brought dss and their other grandchildren but not mine and I haven't started or gave off. Even though I don't see why my children (same age as their cousins) are the ones always left out of the bigger family days that include dss they are invited when he doesn't go.

How often are these trips with the grandparents happening.

feom your post I though your partner wasn’t really seeing his son - and it’s not clear if it is the boy or the mum who is saying no.

but he does want to see his grandparents (which is brilliant) they are making the effort with him but agreeing that your husbands other two children aren’t invited?

so the 14 year old is happy to go in family days out with grandparents and His Tiny tot cousins, but not his tiny tot half siblings?

have the grandparents asked him why?

Maybe this is his way of asking for one to one time with his dad? It may be easier for him to say he doesn't want to see the rest of you than admit he feels left out/uncomfortable.

It's a shame he doesn't want to see the rest of you but you can't force these things. I'm a step daughter/sister and my dad insisted we did everything together as a family. It drove me mad. I never viewed them as my family and never will. No bad feelings there whatsoever, we are just completely different people. I'd never have admitted it at the time but I think some one to one time with my dad would've helped me a lot.

With things like Christmas I don't think you all need to bend over backwards to accommodate him. You say he is welcome and if he doesn't want to come, his dad arranges something with him separately.

@MumlifeSumlife
"i was simply asking if I was being unreasonable in being concerned what would happen to the 'family' if dss continues to refuse to see the rest of us. Again I am not concerned about me but I would like the children to all have a relationship."

Twenty years ago I had a similar set up.
Op in the nicest possible way this is not about the siblings.
This is about dss relationship with his dad.
In my experience a teenager does not Always want his younger siblings tagging along - as much as he loves them.

What I'm saying is the siblings relationship will survive this.
Especially in days of social media and mobile phones ( later on for the young ones)

The father / son relationship is what's wobbling at the moment.
Let them have this time.
They need it.
It will be much harder to repair years down , along with a shed load of resentment thrown in.

My dh took dss on holiday - at my suggestion.
They spent a week on an adventurer holiday - along with grandad - doing amazing things that the younger ones couldn't do.

It was a very special bonding time for them - they still talk about it.

In a couple of years girlfriends will come on the scene so you won't see him for dust.