Stepson opinions

[MumlifeSumlife]

Hi

I've been with my partner 6 years I have a 10 year old dd, he has a 14 year old ds and together we have a three year old and a one year old.

dss lives with his mum stepdad and little sister- dp has never loved full time with his son
my dd sees her dad eow and once during the week

dss used to see his dad the same but when our first child together was born he stopped coming his mum said we made him feel anxious (he disclosed things to us about his mum and stepdad my partner spoke to the mum she said he was saying that same things about us to her they were meant to sort this together but the mum then just stopped contact saying he didn't want it and then covid struck)

so here we are three years later and contact is sporadic at best but if we are doing something fun or buying him things he will come and see us. We include him and invite him everywhere we go as a family but 99-% of the time his mum doesn't allow him to come. DSS has now stated that he only wants to see his dad and not any of the rest of us.

I don't know where we go from here DP has arranged to see him next week alone for the first time in two months which is great but I am really sad that he doesn't want to see his younger siblings. I have asked DP what the future plan will be and he just bites my head off and says I am selfish. But as a mum and with a child who also has a step parent I just don't think it's a fair thing to put on a family. I don't get one on one time with my dd and she doesn't with her dad she is in a family unit in both homes and she is very happy.

Aibu to be concerned about the consequences this could have for our family in the future? I ask DP what will happen if DSS decides to see his siblings but not his stepsister (who adores him) and he just kept telling me I was selfish.

”next week they are going to a bounce park which is £40 and then for food so easily a £100 day out”

Sometimes children do cost different amounts. A 14yo is more expensive to entertain.

But how on earth are you adding £60 for a meal for 2?!!!

Is this thread a wind up
You complain that you do not get one on one with your dd, then question pp who suggested you take a day off so you can have one on one.
If you start a thread please be consistent

All of this.
Plus the fact OP said he used the child to play off against the other parent.

. His mum always seems to have an issue when it comes to DD for example he has been allowed to come to his little siblings birthdays (which were very toddler aimed) but not to DDs because as his mum says she's not his real sister anyway. And yea I'm aware they are not blood related but we treat all our kids the same

I feel sorry for the stepson here. I don't think you should be trying to force any expectations on who he should be seeing and when. He's had quite a difficult relationship with his Dad by the sounds of it, and got caught up in drama between his parents. At 14, he can make his own decisions about contact. If he only wants to see his Dad then that's what he should do.

Your dss is 18 in 4 years, I think you should go with the flow until then, let DH see him on his own (once in 2 months is not often).

You don't know what the future holds. Just concentrate on your own kids.

It's not really up to DSS to make sure your 10yo is happy by seeing her too (although of course it's sad for your dd).

The way your DH speaks to you is quite nasty though. Is he always like this?

I wouldn’t let a child dictate to me who he will and won’t see

Totally agree. A jealous teenager has thrown his toys out the pram because Daddy’s got other children too. I understand what your saying about your DD feeling left out and I don’t think it’s fair either, that doesn’t make you selfish.

“dss only wants to do things if he is being treated it's been like this for the last two years coming”

I thought that due to Covid the last 2 years was all garden gate meetings?

Have you considered that the activity and mean out insistence might not be a sign of selfish entitlement? This boy has barely seen his dad for years, you say. Be honest - if he just came to yours for dinner, would he arrive to find his dad out at some hobby, then back for a dinner where 3 other children who have him most of the time are distracting his attention? What 1:1 quality time would he get just joining your family evening?

Perhaps he just wants to ensure that he has time with dad, and his dad actually does something with him?

Is there such a thing as max CSS??? Surely you pay the requirement - you make it sound like your husband is being generous in paying his legal obligation to support his son.

all teenagers want to do expensive things - your husband needs to negotiate this. Your husband has three children and while they need to be treated equally, he needs to accept they are at very different life stages. Teens are bloody expensive. What is this hubby tour husband has that is so consuming - could his son join him at that?

I genuinely thought when we blended the family that treating them the same was the right thing to do: treating them all like siblings- seems I got that wrong but I also feel if I hadn't treated him and dd like siblings I would have been the worst too. Just feels like a lose lose situation.

I will say I have no issue with dp having one on one with his ds I just find it sad that the sibling relationship isn't deemed important too my siblings are my best friends

“we have two children in full time childcare and one now in child care for the summer money is tight”

I think that the cost of his own first child should have been a factor considered in his decision to have a third child 🤷🏻‍♀️

And of course he should pay “max CSA” - especially as you say he’s only sporadically seen the boy for 2 years. £100 day out every 2 months… what do you think his mother has spent in that time on him?

Not that I think his mother’s an angel as she’s also been playing the child off his whole life and the nonsense about not letting him go to his stepsister’s birthday is horrible.

But in pure financial terms, please don’t start bleating about “max CSA” from a largely absent father.

He is a teenager - who can at times be black and white. So no your DD is not related to him and he is factually correct. For the sake of him maintaining his relationship with his father and his half siblings then I would tread lightly.

Of course you need to support your daughter - but her needs and his needs have to be managed sensitively.

When he gains a bit more maturity then things may change but no he may never see your DD as family - and that is his right you cant force relationships.

The money thing is a different issue - decide a budget divide it up between your DH an you and then decide what money is available for your own and shared children.

Of course children are not treated the same. They are all different and have different needs. They are loved and cared for equally (not getting into the step/half sibling debate though.)

SS is a 14 boy. He needs time with his dad as a priority over time with you, small kids and a 10 year old girl. If he has 10 hours at your house a week, he needs the majority of that to be with his father. I'm stunned you think a 10 year old girl liking to spend time with him in any way competes with the teens need for validation, attention, input, praise, conversation, and direction from his father. Of course you are being selfish.

i think you have to accept you can’t define your step sons family for him.

he is a teen, clearly having a rough time and his mum and dad sound a bit rubbish.

he is trying to make himself important - every kid needs to feel special to their parents. You want him to feel like one of four kids on a family - but to him the other three kids live with his dad and he barely sees him. When he does the activity is focused on tiny kids.

he probably hears his mates taking about doing loads of cool stuff worth their dads and he is jealous and feels unloved.

let this be about him, but what you want his family view to be.

This might not be conscious but this seems to a lot about you and your relationships - 'my daughter', 'my blended family', 'my siblings are my best friends'. I think you should think about how your stepson might feel a bit more. Honestly, it sounds like he's had a rough ride to me.

what I mean about max csa is that my dp hasn't declared to csa that he has three kids living with him they only know about the toddler. This was so payments wouldn't go down which would have annoyed the mum and dp didn't want to risk not seeing him lesser than what he was.

That doesn’t make him a hero 🤣

It’s fucking ridiculous that you can reduce CMS for someone else’s child living with you, let alone your own. Yes, in a family you might have a second child and spread the money further, but at least that’s a joint decision.

So was it reduced partially for the toddler? Odd that you mention they were declared. You do know he declare a whole set of Radfords, get a recalculation and still choose to continue paying the same amount?

It seems whatever I reply to you you still find an issue with it. I didn't say it made him a hero I explained what I meant. You may deem it unfair that other children can be included to reduce what people pay I deem it very unfair that a parent can stop a child from their usual over nights and get an increase in payments

Tbh OP it does sound like mum is stirring the pot behind the scenes if she's making those comments about your daughter, but there isn't much you can do about that.

I also agree with you that it's not OK for your DH to spend so much money on taking SS out to do these fancy things when it impacts the rest of the family being able to do anything at all. He is not the only child in question here.

I would let this run for a couple more weeks and then raise it again with your DH. Even if he needs to continue seeing SS alone to build the relationship back up he can't keep spending to that extent if the money isn't there. Even if he just switches to a meal that would be better.

FlissyPaps: Well for starters he needs to give you a bit of respite. You are entitled to a break and time out for your hobbies just as much as he is. Time out for one on one time and time out for “me-time”. Does he have to do his hobbies? Are they essential?? If not, he should be able to step up and do childcare at the weekend to allow you this time.

This jumped out at me, too. You both work full time, you each have a child from a previous relationship, there doesn't seem to be a reason why he should have significantly more leisure time than you. And he should be taking on roughly half of the childcare for the little children regardless - if he's doing significantly more of other household work like cooking, cleaning, yardwork, etc. maybe it's time to sit down and reevalate how things are divided up so he can do more with the children.

The fact that it's assumed he can spend £100 on one outing for just himself and his son when that's the whole family outing budget for the month seems off. I do get that your SS is the oldest child and will likely have higher expenses, and that he hasn't been on the family outings since COVID started, but if the money's not in the budget it's not. I do think you have to let the one on ones go on for a bit to see if they can reestablish their relationship (and at the same time he can keep reminding his son he's welcome at family events too). But you (plural) may have to either lower the costs of these outings (bouncy park and a picnic, OR nice meal and a hike, not both expensive things the same day) or free up more money in the budget. If his hobbies are costing money, reducing participation could free up both some funds and some of your husband's time.

I'm curious why he keeps calling you "selfish"; the only things I could see was worrying about impact on your daughter when it's not clear there will be an issue, and wanting money to be used for all four children; these don't seem selfish to me.

Give it time. Start slowly with him seeing just Dad, and gradually work up to him being with all of you if he wants to.

I also think you need some 1-2-1 time with to your dd. I have two kids - same Dad but we are now divorced- and try to make 1-2-1 time with them both. Things like inset days are great for this - mine are at different schools so I try to take their inset days off work to have that time.

I will say I have no issue with dp having one on one with his ds I just find it sad that the sibling relationship isn't deemed important too my siblings are my best friends

Bit you do have an issue, your OP said ‘But as a mum and with a child who also has a step parent I just don't think it's a fair thing to put on a family. I don't get one on one time with my dd and she doesn't with her dad she is in a family unit in both homes and she is very happy.’

It is fair to DSS that he gets one on one time with his family (within limits), because, as you said , your kids are in a family unit but DSS is not. However, It’s not fair to your DC that all the fun money is being spent on DSS.

DH needs to train DSS out of only seeing him when money / treats are involved. To start with, they can do fun things that are free.

The priority is to understand why he is not happy when he comes over. It's likely that he is bored, with activities at home or out directed more towards the younger kids.

Maybe he doesn't really get on with your dd. Maybe your dd wants her privacy. She is at home, can see her friends from school, he is reliant on the adults to not be bored the entire time.

The first step is to restore communication between dad and him so he understands how his feels and the it way that might happen is by relaxed and fun 1:1 time.

Hopefully, he will open up to dad and compromise can then be discussed.

It's all about what you wish or think is best for the whole family. I think that's what your oh means by you being selfish. Give it time. No way things are just going back to where they were when you were happy. It will take a bit of time and dad to make up for all the time he hasnt seen his son.

i have no axe to grind on step mothers. But this thread has highlighted how hard it must be to be a step child - particularly a non resident one.

OP is trying to dictate the relationship this boy has with his father - trying to stop one to one time. She is not this boys mother. She could get divorced tomorrow and would be no relation at all to this boy (apart from through his half siblings) and yet she gets to have this huge influence over how much time he and his dad spend together.

you can see how kids can really start to resent step parents.

I have a friend who has a step mother during her teen years. That lady was really quite awful to my friend - and her relationship with her dad broke down as a result. The divorced and this lady is now a complete stranger to my friend - but she left a huge legacy in my friends life and relationships.

obviously most step parents are great - but it os odd you can marry someone and start to control the lives of children who you aren’t related to.

I think you need to see this from your DSS’s perspective. He’s a child who has only ever seen his Dad EOW which is no time at all then suddenly Dad gets a new partner and has two more children who are always around so the little time he previously had with his Dad is now spent with Dad+Dad’s new family. He’s a kid and he just wants to spend time with his Father which I don’t blame him for at all, he definitely should have 1:1 time with him.