Stepson opinions

[MumlifeSumlife]

Hi

I've been with my partner 6 years I have a 10 year old dd, he has a 14 year old ds and together we have a three year old and a one year old.

dss lives with his mum stepdad and little sister- dp has never loved full time with his son
my dd sees her dad eow and once during the week

dss used to see his dad the same but when our first child together was born he stopped coming his mum said we made him feel anxious (he disclosed things to us about his mum and stepdad my partner spoke to the mum she said he was saying that same things about us to her they were meant to sort this together but the mum then just stopped contact saying he didn't want it and then covid struck)

so here we are three years later and contact is sporadic at best but if we are doing something fun or buying him things he will come and see us. We include him and invite him everywhere we go as a family but 99-% of the time his mum doesn't allow him to come. DSS has now stated that he only wants to see his dad and not any of the rest of us.

I don't know where we go from here DP has arranged to see him next week alone for the first time in two months which is great but I am really sad that he doesn't want to see his younger siblings. I have asked DP what the future plan will be and he just bites my head off and says I am selfish. But as a mum and with a child who also has a step parent I just don't think it's a fair thing to put on a family. I don't get one on one time with my dd and she doesn't with her dad she is in a family unit in both homes and she is very happy.

Aibu to be concerned about the consequences this could have for our family in the future? I ask DP what will happen if DSS decides to see his siblings but not his stepsister (who adores him) and he just kept telling me I was selfish.

Why didn’t your DSS mum allow him to visit?

I think the issue here is your husband is a bit selfish and leaves all the parenting of your young child re to you. He has three kids and dedicated his weekends to his hobbies!

so you are looking jealously at the one to one time he now wants to spend with his son and getting annoyed.

his son clearly needs him. You seem to lack any empathy towards the boy, there is no emotion or compassion there.

you husband should absolutely have one to one time with his son. He shoudl also give up his hobby and spend more time parenting all of his children. And you should spend some one on one time with your older child.

easy

Tbh I am empathetic towards dss I feel he has been used from a young age as a pawn in a game between to adults who slept together and then just played him off against the other for years.

however as much as my partner has to consider his son I have to consider my daughter and I don't want her feeling left out and I am thinking of the effect that could have on her if it did come to that. I think that's what I'm trying to get my partner to see that yes he obviously has to look out for his son but I also will be looking out for my daughter too

because of covid no family members on either side wete high risk. She used covid as an excuse right up until last summer

Why would your daughter feel left out?

She sees her dad just like DSS sees his dad.

When you have half or step siblings it’s very common to have a slightly different relationships with different parents.

Why do you feel you need to look out for your daughter in this scenario? As PP has said different kids need different things form their parents. You daughter sees her dad. Do you think your husband seeing his son takes something away from your daughter?

No no sorry I what I meant was if dss decides to see dp and our children and not dd that would have a serious effect on her and I would then need to consider what was best for her in that scenario. I wouldn't be happy with my dd being left on the outsides of a family that she loves a lot she is only a child too. She considers him to be her big brother they were very close talked all the time on the phone and face timed on weekends he wasn't here

She sounds like an absolute bellend, and most likely a huge part of the problem.

On the other hand, SS clearly isn't interested in being part of a blended family. Let him have time with his dad and rekindle that bond that his mother has clearly tried to sabotage. Through a garden gate, what nonsense. Which kid is meant to form/keep a bond with their dad through a gate?

I grew up one of four siblings and our parents always made sure we had 1:1 time together.

Your DP doesn't have a good relationship at all with his son, his son wants to see him on his own without you or his siblings and that's fair enough, it's exactly what I'd be doing in that situation anyway. He needs a proper relationship with his dad before he can with you or his siblings.

I wouldn't bother me if he didn't want to see us, it's his choice. X

“Tbh I am empathetic towards dss I feel he has been used from a young age as a pawn in a game between to adults who slept together and then just played him off against the other for years.”

What made you fall in love and expose your daughter to an arsehole like, and decide to have two kids with him?

While I understand what you're saying, you can use that time for 1-1 time with your DD. She's old enough to understand that she has a different dad, who she sees, and that's that. Yes she might get upset at the beginning but you can make a big deal about "mummy and daughter time" etc.

I’m a mum on the other side of this situations d whilst I see what you are saying it is very hard for a dc to come into that family unit. There are pints in your op that show that your kids come first, that’s hard for an older kid. maybe dad and dss need some time on their own?

The one to one time thing has fascinated me. My sister and I are are only 13 months apart, so we didn’t really want one to one time with parents growing up because we enjoyed the same activities.

my niece and nephew have a bigger age gap and a teenage boy doesn’t always enjoy the same activities as an eight year old girl. So they get lots of one on one time with parents, me and grandparents.

Lots of comments banging on about one to one time on here.
I'm a lone parent to three young children and physically cannot have one to one with them at all, this seems mystifying to many on here.
Another way to make someone doing their very best feel shit, thanks all 👍🏻
(I didn't have one to one time with anybody my parents and didn't feel any the worse for it)
Anyway, not much you can do OP, it will probably pass with time. Good luck

I wouldn’t let a child dictate to me who he will and won’t see. He either visits his dad and his half sister or he doesn’t get to see either.
why are you as a family encouraging him to ignore his siblings?
maybe I’m wrong. But that’s just my take on it.
Its so hard to be a stepparent, hats off to you op.

This is a different scenario though, the OP isn't a single parent. She has a DSS who does need alone time with his dad.

Support your DP having time with his son alone, out of the house. Ideally at a time when DD is at her dad's, and you can do something enjoyable with the toddlers that is more suited to their ages.

Keep inviting him to the family events you say he enjoys, and to spend time with you all at home (coming for dinner or whatever). No pressure, but make sure he knows he is welcome.

Basically, support him having time with his dad in an age-appropriate way that doesn't come at the cost of the rest of the family.

He hasn't asked to see his half siblings without you and DD. I wouldn't invent extra trouble where there currently isn't any.

The situation you described has not happened and might never happen. Hopefully, this first step of seeing his son again will allow your DP to rebuild the relationship with him. Then you can take the next steps, agreed as a family. Nothing has changed for your DD right now.

Should your step son want to see your younger children and not her (as far as I can see, you have no reason to believe this will be the case), those contact times can happen when she is with her Dad to start with.. or not.. but you can talk about it at the time.. putting the child who's needs are uppermost at the time, first. Should you daughter's needs change, you can reassess.

I also think you might need to reassess balance in your relationship... his long hours and weekend hobbies while you take primary responsibility for your children is not a balanced relationship and it doesn't sound easy to talk things out in your relationship. Maybe it is something you should both consider working on.

You need to remember dss is a teenager so will have different needs. I think it's great he wants time on his own with his dad and his wishes must be respected. When his tank is full there he will be ready to slot back into family life so give him time.
Also one on one can be as simple as younger children going to bed early and older one getting that last half hour to themselves with Mom. It doesn't have to involve needing another adult.

Your DP sounds like a big red flag here. Can't discuss this with you without shouting about being selfish, is barely around to help with your joint kids. It's no wonder the idea of him going off to spend one on one time with DSS isn't sitting right with you if he's working late and then doing hobbies all weekend. Where is the time for your joint DC?

He sounds like a problem.

What has made you think he's likely to want to see the little ones and not your DD OP? From your post it sounds like he currently doesn't want to see any of them. Does your DD still text or call?

Tbh I think this is on his dad to sort, presumably he will want to have all of his children together again at some point. I'd give it a few weeks of just seeing him one-to-one and then encourage him to bring it up, although tbh he doesn't sound like he's being very nice when you bring it up!

The younger children do go to bed earlier than DD so yes there is one on one time there.

dss only wants to do things if he is being treated it's been like this for the last two years coming for dinner doesn't cut it and yea that is annoying for me as money is tight so ontop if partner paying max CSA if we wanted to see him it was something that would cost 50-100 quid (activity and eating out). Now the goal posts have changed again to him only wanting to see dad and it must be an activity and food to. It's very stressful and I do feel there needs to be some boundaries set As there are 4 children altogether.

next week they are going to a bounce park which is £40 and then for food so easily a £100 day out for only one child the others now won't get a day out as that is the money set aside for a family day out moth (usually I would bring a picnic) but I'm selfish. we have two children in full time childcare and one now in child care for the summer money is tight

It’s not his half sister. She’s not a blood relative and if OP were to divorce this fairly poor sounding husband, he’d have no formal connection at all.

I don't really know what solution you're expecting here.

At the moment your stepson doesn't want to see any of his siblings, so your notion that he might want to see his younger siblings but not your daughter is just a hypothesis you've cooked up out of nowhere and it's a waste of time fretting about it.

He is 14 years old, and if he doesn't want to see people he doesn't have to. It's his choice. This is between him and his father. It's not about you or your daughter or even your younger siblings.

Your issue, ultimately, seems to be that you resent your stepson having time alone with his dad. That is unreasonable. You say your daughter doesn't have one to one time with you - well, so what? Your stepson doesn't have one to one time with his mum, either, as you say he has a younger sister by his mum and stepdad who presumably lives there. Your daughter goes to see her dad. Your stepson sees his. They both live with their mothers and younger siblings. There's not really any inequality here.

Basically, I think you need to let your DP have whatever relationship with his son he can. You can't force a relationship between siblings or step-siblings.