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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No one sent any cards

115 replies

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 26/07/2022 21:06

I know this is unreasonable. I send cards to people all the time, I’m not super sociable but I am always there when people call and listen to others. I buy things for others when I see them and know they will like it.

my gran died 2 weeks we were really close and no one has sent anything. It was expected and she was as old. I miss her. I feel pathetic to be angry that not one of my friends has sent a card.

OP posts:

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 26/07/2022 22:10

I am so sorry OP. Condolences to you. I think people are sending a lot fewer cards these days, and it sucks. Take care.

LesterKnopf · 26/07/2022 22:11

easyday · 26/07/2022 21:35

Are your parents alive? They are the ones who'd be getting cards presumably. It wouldn't occur to me to send a sympathy card to the grandkids.

This. When my sister died, my parents got all the sympathy cards etc and people checking they were coping OK and I completely understand their loss was different and 'bigger' than mine. It would have been nice to know that some of my wider family recognised what I had lost and wanted to check in with me but I think people sometimes pick the 'main' mourner and focus on them. It feels a bit rubbish, but most things around grief and loss feel rubbish. My DH and a couple of friends and relatives on his side supported me so I was grateful for that and chose not to let misplaced anger at other people's lack of support mixed with grief affect me when it was a complicated time for everyone. I think you need to focus on where you can get support even if you need to spell it out and say /text to a friend "I am struggling, I really miss my gran" rather than waiting for them to come to you. Focusing on what other people are doing 'wrong' during the grieving process just creates more negativity and anger when you really don't need that stress in your life. It probably isn't that nobody cares, but rather that their thinking around the issue hasn't quite 'reached' you yet and they need prompting.

CallMeKaty · 26/07/2022 22:11

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think people do still send cards. Shops are full of them !

I think your friends should send a card, not just your parents receiving them as it's your loss too, unless you live with your parents and cards are addressed the 'the family'.

My DCs are adults and I hope I've brought them up well enough so they know when cards are appropriate, rather than a bloody text or Whatsapp.

People keep cards they receive as sympathy cards, special birthdays etc.

It takes effort- choosing, writing, posting. Some people can't be bothered.

And if they are really so busy they can use Moonpig where it's all done online, and they don't even need sign their name!

EarringsandLipstick · 26/07/2022 22:12

Judgey much? I don't send cards because it's outdated. The idea of pulping trees to make cards and envelopes, to pay for sending them and the carbon used to do so, just to convey a sentiment you can do by text or voice or facetime is inane and old fashioned. It's pointless.

It's not about laziness, its about it not being 1950

I think this is really judgey, actually.

I'm ok with people choosing not to send cards. It's their decision.

But it's not 'pointless', 'inane' or 'old-fashioned' to do so. Cards represent a degree more effort & thought as you've noted, and if someone wants to do so, there's nothing wrong with that.

Regarding the use of resources - our daily lives involve using resources, sending a card is not a huge problem for sustainability.

Dita73 · 26/07/2022 22:12

My Nan died in November. I didn’t get any cards and I honestly hadn’t thought about it until I read your post. Not a big deal

Gilly0812 · 26/07/2022 22:12

I am sorry for your loss. You would absolutely have received a card from me.

CallMeKaty · 26/07/2022 22:13

@LesterKnopf So if the OP has close friends who know she is upset by the loss of her Gran, you think it's odd they'd not send her a card?
Why?

Because only her parents feel the loss and not her?

Is that how you think about your grandparents?

beansandmayo · 26/07/2022 22:14

Sorry for your loss. Have they reached out very phone or text? I wouldn't send a card when someone dies but I would still message condolences.

CallMeKaty · 26/07/2022 22:15

The whole point of sending cards is to make the recipient feel better.
It's not about whether you see the point of them.

When my MIL died and we cleared her house, we found every single card we'd ever sent her - for Easter, birthdays, thank you notes from my kids, the lot.
They mattered to her more than they did to us, TBH.

curlymom · 26/07/2022 22:15

Sorry for your loss x

TheresNoFog · 26/07/2022 22:16

How old are you OP? I'm middle aged but everyone seems to have stopped sending cards for most things. I did get a lot of Birthday cards but I don't send Christmas cards apart from a few special ones. People send messages on social media now instead.

Gilly0812 · 26/07/2022 22:17

Actually, I sent a friend a birthday card today and this was her response.

« Always my first and often my only card , every year without fail. I look forward to it so much, it’s very appreciated and I’d hate it to ever stop. Thank you both from the bottom of my heart xx »

simple things mean so much.

knittingaddict · 26/07/2022 22:17

My children's grandmother (my mum) died a couple of months ago. They didn't receive a card either and neither did I. The cards went to my brother who was contacting everyone and organising the funeral. Never occurred to any of us to be bothered about that.

I do have a hate hate relationship with cards though.

As others have said cards are less of a thing now and I wouldn't send a card unless I knew the deceased.

Johnnysgirl · 26/07/2022 22:17

Ah, op 💐. You're not being unreasonable at all.

butterflied · 26/07/2022 22:18

I'm sorry for your loss. It is so hard.

I wouldn't send cards, but I would message. I hope your friends have reached out in other ways.

SpaceyCake · 26/07/2022 22:20

I'm sorry for your loss. 🌷I am usually a card person in that I always send birthday and Christmas cards to my family and a few best friends. I don't get many back and I accept that it is mostly just me that bothers with it but I enjoy it and I have been told that the cards I send are welcome. However, maybe it's because of my age/it's a generational thing but sending a condolences card would not occur to me at all. I remember signing some when my parents got them for relatives, but I have actually never sent one myself as an adult. It's like it's completely passed me by. My friends have lost grandparents and parents in the recent years and I have always texted and had a WhatsApp conversation etc, so it's kind of been covered like that, but now I'm thinking maybe a card would have been appreciated. I'll bear it in mind for the future!

RainLover · 26/07/2022 22:21

BongoJim · 26/07/2022 21:26

Sorry for your loss. The week before my mum died a charity put a pack free unmarked greeting cards with poppies on the front through every door in the street. You'd be surprised how many of those ended up used to send me condolences. Like I wouldn't notice exactly the same pack of free cards came through my own door too...

I don’t understand the problem with this? Why would you go out and buy more cards if you already had some in the house? Sorry for your loss x

Pancakeorcrepe · 26/07/2022 22:21

OP I’m very sorry for your loss. Sendings lots of love to you.

TarpaulinEyes · 26/07/2022 22:21

I would have sent you a card OP.

I am of the generation that had parents that thought sending cards was a cop out, you wrote a proper letter with several memories of the deceased person included in it. The bereaved person was expected to reply and thank you for your condolences too. I don't write letters very often but a nice card with a kind comment means a lot at such a time.

Remember your Grandma with love and concentrate on the many happy memories you will have of times with her

JustJeans · 26/07/2022 22:21

💐 I'm so sorry for your loss.
I wouldn't send a card, but would visit or ring you.
It sounds like you were really close to your Gran, would you like to tell us about her?

HangOnToYourself · 26/07/2022 22:24

Sorry for your loss op. I'm usually the kind of person who couldnt care less about cards and find the expextation of thank you cards from weddings etc a bit tedious but when it comes to a friend losing a loved one I would absolutely always send a.card.

Somethingneedstochange · 26/07/2022 22:25

Most send tributes online now. I gave one to my next door neighbour when she lost her husband a few years ago. But I did know him. Did your friends know your gran? Have you had her funeral yet? That's when most give cards or some choose the make a donation instead.

AWobABobBob · 26/07/2022 22:27

I've never received a card when my grandparents died and I wouldn't have expected one. They died of old age, a natural part of life. Yes I was close to them but I accepted it was a part of life and didn't need people to send their condolences. If it were a child, sibling or parent of mine it would be a different matter.

Hana89 · 26/07/2022 22:30

@ThereIsTooMuchConfusion I am sorry for your loss xxxx
I'm a card/gift sender too - not for everything and mostly new houses, new jobs, and new babies but my friends very rarely (if ever) send me cards. I think it is either something you enjoy doing or it isn't and although I like to do it and get pleasure from it, I guess my friends just don't (plus stamps are pricey!)
I'm sure it isn't personal OP xxx

coodawoodashooda · 26/07/2022 22:31

I understand op. I used to be like you too. Gave up. Got sick of unrecipricated generosity.

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