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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is unreasonable here?

113 replies

Earpieced · 26/07/2022 10:47

2 parents divorced. Small DC

Parent A has DC 60% of the week and parent B has 40%. Not court ordered, mutual agreement.

both work. Both have new partners. Parent A does not live with partner

Parent A does most school runs and day to day things.

Parent B misses the DC and likes to check on them and texts, calls and video calls Parent A daily. Parent B makes plans with the DC in parent A’s time. Parent B’s new partner does childcare while they are at work.

Parent A does not hear from the DC during parent B’s time and there are no calls.

Parent B took DC on holiday and offered to facilitate the DC to call Parent A, then forgot to call or text.

If parent A puts in boundaries with regard to contact in their time, is this unfair to parent B who has less time with the DC and misses them?

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 26/07/2022 10:55

I think there should definitely be some boundaries put in place by Parent A (who I assume is you OP). Maybe allow Parent B to text or call once during Parent A's time, but not daily.

Has Parent A tried texting/calling during the time the DC are with Parent B and been refused, or does Parent A just respect the split and not hassle the other parent?

If the 60:40 split has been agreed by both parties then Parent B should not be arranging to do things with the DC during Parent A's time.

takealettermsjones · 26/07/2022 10:55

I think it depends on how old the kids are. If the kids are 5 then I think the constant calling/video calling them is unfair, as it's going to confuse the kids who will then miss Daddy etc. If the kids are 13 and want to talk to their dad, then that's their choice - obviously not during meal times, homework time etc.

I think you should set expectations that you both follow though - I think you're saying that you don't want your ex calling all the time? (Correct me if I've read it wrong.) But then you were upset not to get a call during the holiday, which I presume was a longer period of time than you're used to being away from the kids. Maybe you could set a rule that there is a video call e.g. every two days, applicable to both parents? And then anything outside that will just be a quick update text, kids not involved.

Aria999 · 26/07/2022 11:00

I think you could have made it easier to read by saying mum/me instead of parent A and their dad instead of parent B! Assuming you are their mum (it sounds like it!, if not then sorry).

How old are the DC? Do you have a generally cordial relationship with their dad or are things tense?

Generally I think it's good to be flexible and reach compromises that work well for everyone but depends on the history.

CantaloupeMelon · 26/07/2022 11:01

How much does this bother parent A? If they don’t mind the calls etc then no need to put boundaries in place just for the sake of it. But if they do mind, then yes it’s not fair of parent B to expect contact during A’s time when they don’t facilitate the same in return.

Brefugee · 26/07/2022 11:02

So A has to put in all the boundaries and stop facilitating the extras that B is having/demanding/arranging in a tit-for-tat move.
Then make a better, written arrangement about who does what and when - and they act like grown ups .

Greensleeves · 26/07/2022 11:02

B needs to understand that cooperation cuts both ways. If I were A, I would either meet up with B or send a letter (depending on the relationship), explaining that there are two options; either both parties take equal responsibility for facilitating communication during the other's contact time, or the whole thing stops and the children live two separate lives. The former option is much, much better for the children - but it requires B to be an adult and make the effort.

maddy68 · 26/07/2022 11:07

Parent A is being too needy and encroaching on parent Bs time.
It may also be distressing for the children to be constantly reminded that one parent isn't there

AryaStarkWolf · 26/07/2022 11:08

What age is the child/children? Too young to call themselves I guess? Why doesn't Parent A call Parent B if they want to speak to their child/children like Parent B does when they want to speak to their child/children on Parent A's time? Seems a bit of a non issue tbh

ExHProblem · 26/07/2022 11:08

Parent B sounds very controlling.

If they miss the child that much, a 50/50 rather than 60/40 split could be discussed, otherwise a compromise that Parent A will have the child call Parent B IF there is time in a day, but no guarantees.

AppleBottomRats · 26/07/2022 11:09

If parent B misses the DC why aren’t the arrangements 50/50?

10HailMarys · 26/07/2022 11:15

Parent B needs to calm the fuck down

Maybeebebe · 26/07/2022 11:33

Aria999 · 26/07/2022 11:00

I think you could have made it easier to read by saying mum/me instead of parent A and their dad instead of parent B! Assuming you are their mum (it sounds like it!, if not then sorry).

How old are the DC? Do you have a generally cordial relationship with their dad or are things tense?

Generally I think it's good to be flexible and reach compromises that work well for everyone but depends on the history.

I was lost too

MaryBellingham11432 · 26/07/2022 11:36

It sounds like parent A is angry with parent B and the DC are stuck in the middle.

NewIdeasToday · 26/07/2022 11:38

I’m afraid you lost me with all the parent A and parent B.

However the main thing that comes across is that this is all written from the parents’ perspectives.

What about the needs of child A and child B?

I’d suggest that both parents start from that perspective.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 26/07/2022 11:42

How old are they?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/07/2022 11:47

Parent A needs to say to parent B

"My children are with you 40% of the time and I get no contact during that time. Therefore, for 40% out of the 60% they are with me, I am going to ask you to respect the same boundaries. I'll make sure the dc are available for a midweek call on X (1) day between 5pm and 6pm. Any plans you need to make, please do them for your own time with the dc"

ParvuliThankYouDebbie · 26/07/2022 11:53

Parent B took DC on holiday and offered to facilitate the DC to call Parent A, then forgot to call or text

If it was an issue for them then why didn’t Parent A call themselves then? Like Parent B apparently does.

Darkstar4855 · 26/07/2022 11:59

Clearly parent A and parent B have different views on how things should be but what do the kids want?

If parent A is bothered they should put some boundaries in during their own time, however they should also be prepared to move to 50-50 custody for the sake of fairness. Parent B’s partner doing childcare is irrelevant .

Darkstar4855 · 26/07/2022 12:01

@Aria999 pretty big assumption to make, how do you know they’re not a same-sex couple?

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 12:04

It sounds like everyone just needs to do what's right by the child and not count who gets what calls in what time.

Triffid1 · 26/07/2022 12:09

I really don't understand the attempt to be neutral on gender and who you are because clearly Parent A is you and you are the mum. And I'm guessing your'e annoyed that his new girlfriend/wife is looking after the DC>

But if Parent B is being too demanding, then Parent A should just cut back. You don't HAVE to answer every call etc. Say no if he wants to take the kids somewhere during your time if it's not convenient for you (but I'd happily let them go if it's a good opportunity for them and you don't have time). And if they are young enough to want contact with the other parent while with one, then frankly, just call Parent B when you want to speak to the DC.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2022 12:14

Why doesn't 'Parent B' have them 50/50 if they miss them so much?

also Parent A can ask them to stop calling so much.

Original poster
Earpieced · 26/07/2022 12:18

Parent A is male (dad) and parent B is female (mum)

dad didn’t call mum on holiday as being respectful of their time together. Some texts came promising a call but a call didn’t happen. On return from holiday to dad, mum called the same evening asking to speak to DC

DC are young, primary aged and don’t really talk on the phone much

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 12:24

Earpieced · 26/07/2022 12:18

Parent A is male (dad) and parent B is female (mum)

dad didn’t call mum on holiday as being respectful of their time together. Some texts came promising a call but a call didn’t happen. On return from holiday to dad, mum called the same evening asking to speak to DC

DC are young, primary aged and don’t really talk on the phone much

So mom calls dad to ask if she can speak to DC but dad doesn't call and then gets upset they didn't speak?

Dad just needs to call in future.

Clarinet1 · 26/07/2022 12:26

I think it’s a pity that the parents can’t put aside differences over this since they are clearly trying to co-parent amicably. Surely a quick call so the DC can say what they’ve done that day or whatever is no different to what might happen if the parents were still together but one was away for work.