Who is unreasonable here?

[Earpieced]

2 parents divorced. Small DC

Parent A has DC 60% of the week and parent B has 40%. Not court ordered, mutual agreement.

both work. Both have new partners. Parent A does not live with partner

Parent A does most school runs and day to day things.

Parent B misses the DC and likes to check on them and texts, calls and video calls Parent A daily. Parent B makes plans with the DC in parent A’s time. Parent B’s new partner does childcare while they are at work.

Parent A does not hear from the DC during parent B’s time and there are no calls.

Parent B took DC on holiday and offered to facilitate the DC to call Parent A, then forgot to call or text.

If parent A puts in boundaries with regard to contact in their time, is this unfair to parent B who has less time with the DC and misses them?

Sorry, Parent B.

Well she seemed fine with the agreement and it’s been in place some time now. I wasn’t party to the agreement of course but it was a lot less time with her to begin with and has build up to what it is now. This is how I got to know dad more as I saw him more.

i asked him if he thought she wanted more time and he said she hasn’t asked for more but maybe she does.

can I set this straight though he isn’t saying no calls from mum and I never said that he said that. He picks up the phone. He wishes she called less cos It’s annoying, time consuming and the kids DGAF about it half the time and dad is in his own house with mum on video call on his own phone for ages at annoying times he says it’s like she’s always a presence.

yeah look I do know her and she’s nice to me and all but it’s all about her a lot of the time. I don’t think she even thinks about how dad and kids feel about it. She would be upset if he brought it up and feel wounded. He asked me if it was normal. I said I would miss mine but learn to trust they were ok and call if they wanted me or call once to catch up or something. She does trust him she says he’s a great dad. She left him and I think the kids have adjusted much better than she has. If she asks me about it I will tell her my thoughts on it!

In what way do you think she's being vindictive?

But what if the parent is simply calling to say hello and check on the child’s well-being?

Surely, unless the other parent is negligent (and if so I’d be going to court for supervised access at the very least) then you can assume the child is fine and if it’s any different then the other parent would let you know.

It’s different if you only see them EOW then I think it’s good to check in and let them know you care but if it’s almost 50/50 then there’s no need. And if you have them 70/80% of the time then there’s definitely no need to ring.

If the child isn’t used to staying there then that’s fair enough but the parents still need a discussion about when to ring and how long they’ll talk for.

No one is vindictive and there are no concerns about welfare 👍🏻

Huh, needy? A is facilitating calls etc in As time and B makes plans in As time but gets no facilitated calls on Bs time.

A needs to put firmer boundaries in place IMO

First of all, I should probably point out that I haven’t RTFT. So maybe I have misunderstood or misinterpreted some facts.

But in answer to your question, I feel that it is vindictive in the sense that it’s one rule for her, another for him.

When DC is with her that father can’t talk to DC, but yet expects to be able to talk to DC whenever she wants, whenever DC is with her father. That’s not fair, especially where he doesn’t restrict contact. If he was behaving in the same manner then perhaps I would be singing from a different hymn sheet here.

But no, I don’t think that’s fair at all.

@CallOnMe Surely, unless the other parent is negligent (and if so I’d be going to court for supervised access at the very least) then you can assume the child is fine and if it’s any different then the other parent would let you know.

Oh absolutely, which is what I realised after I’d typed and posted. Too late by then. My mistake!

She never said he couldn't speak to the children on her time though, it seems like she told the dad she would call later but didn't, nothing was stopping the dad from calling them himself like the mother does when she wants to speak to them when they're with him?

I’m so sorry but I’m still so damn confused here.

I keep getting confused between Parent A and Parent B and which parent is the one that restricts contact whenever DC is in their care.

So in answer to OP’s latest post, that is the parent who I think is being vindictive. The one that is withholding contact but then demanding contact whenever the other parent has DC.

Hmm okay fair… but then… why didn’t she call? Why didn’t she drop a text to say you know what, sorry but it’s not convenient right now, we’re doing XYZ and will call tomorrow. Why just ignore him? That’s bang out of order imo.

I definitely don’t think there are any issues with welfare. I want to be clear in stating that because I am also the type of parent who likes to check in with DC, even though I know DC is absolutely fine with her father! Lol.

So that is solely the issue of the anxious parent and nobody else.

Ah, the exh who so often has plans that mean palming off the kids on their new partner, childcare, “oh OP can you just have them for x amount of time” during his time, but then “misses them so much” during your time that he’s forever “dropping round”…

Boundaries are essential OP!

He only didn’t call as no convenient time was put forward and as he is pissed off about time encroachment he didn’t want to be guilty of the same thing. I said this to him, just call if you want to call! Just call them and she will have to call you back if it’s not a good time. Turns out he really wants her to call a lot less

Turns out he really wants her to call a lot less

Can’t really blame him since:

A) It is his time with his child, and

B) It’s a different rule for her whenever DC is in her care.

Sorry - I see in this case it’s the exw not exh who does this and has no respect for boundaries - same principle though!

He text and she replied saying she'd call him later but didn't, maybe she forgot, who knows but it sounded like she wouldn't be annoyed if he'd just picked the phone up and rang them later instead like she probably would have done in the reverse situation

Once kids have their own phones it’s better as they can either speak to the parent they are not with, or not, as they choose!

The Mum needs to accept they have split up as a family and that means there are days she doesn’t have contact with her kids. She can’t expect to remain a big part of their evenings or days on her non-resident days.

it sucks perhaps, but that’s the reality of separated families.

Right, okay, I see your point now.

But again, one could argue, how do we know she wouldn’t have minded? How do we know that she would have picked up? Do you see my point?

What one says and what one actually does are not always the same thing.

Again, unless I’m just talking out of my arse because I haven’t RTFT. In which case, ignore me. Lol.

Ok, well I think the part about him pretending he was annoyed that she didn't call back is muddying the waters a bit. That seems like a non issue when he knows he could have just called so I think he needs to drop that reasoning and just focus on what really is bothering him. Clearly he needs to sit down and speak to her, and try to work out a different system that works for everyone, would he think about getting a cheap pay as go phone just for the purpose of the kids speaking to their mother so his phone isn't tied up? Maybe tell her what times generally do and do not suit (and don't answer the phone if she rings in those times)

Yeah it does suck I kind of feel bad for her about this but in reality it must also fucking suck a bit to have to talk to /listen to your ex every single day in your own home 😆

He told me his girlfriend got pissed off once cos he hung up the phone on her for one of these child related calls or she feels like she has to go sit in another room for an hour if she’s at his house

well tbf that's all on him, he chose to hang up on his g/f to take the call from his ex and why does she need to go in a different room if the children are talking to their mother on the phone?

I dunno I don’t know her. Also at like family events he will end up on the phone with kids in a room while he’s with his family. I plan to tell him to get some backbone!