Who is unreasonable here?

[Earpieced]

2 parents divorced. Small DC

Parent A has DC 60% of the week and parent B has 40%. Not court ordered, mutual agreement.

both work. Both have new partners. Parent A does not live with partner

Parent A does most school runs and day to day things.

Parent B misses the DC and likes to check on them and texts, calls and video calls Parent A daily. Parent B makes plans with the DC in parent A’s time. Parent B’s new partner does childcare while they are at work.

Parent A does not hear from the DC during parent B’s time and there are no calls.

Parent B took DC on holiday and offered to facilitate the DC to call Parent A, then forgot to call or text.

If parent A puts in boundaries with regard to contact in their time, is this unfair to parent B who has less time with the DC and misses them?

I mean seriously that's his fault for answering, if it isn't convenient don't pick the phone up, what's wrong with this guy?!!

I asked why! He said he felt bad like he was keeping the kids from her or something. I think it’s a weird dynamic where it’s all about how she feels about stuff. I get this impression from talking to her sometimes too. He’s trying to be amicable but feeling mugged off

It's still his own fault for doing that, he needs to stop blaming her for his actions tbh, he's not a baby, if she kicks off because he didn't answer the phone he needs to just repeat "It wasn't a convenient time"

I’m still confused but here’s the bottom line.

If a co-parent is doing their job properly, their child is happy and content, then there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for the other co-parent to make them feel bad in any way shape or form. For missing a call, for not getting back to them. Whatever. Big whoop.

Based on what I’ve read so far, and forgive me if wrong, but even though the mother is in a new relationship also, it actually sounds like she is somewhat jealous of the father’s relationship with who I presume is OP.

I genuinely believe that is sole reason for her difficult, sporadic and just generally unreasonable behaviour.

I could be wrong. Sure. But I don’t think I’m far off to be honest.

OP, please do not let this woman come in between your relationship. You have done nothing wrong here whatsoever. She has issues that she needs to sort out for herself and by herself.

Bottom line? As long as the child is happy and content? That is all that matters here.

I take back my previous comment regarding a need for potential Mediation. No.

The mother needs professional help for her obvious resentment, potential anxiety regarding her DC which is probably the only thing I can relate with, and just her overall mental health.

Time to move on. Time to be an adult. Time to be a PARENT.

@maisieandvicks The OP isn't in a relationship with him she's already said

Ah I see. I thought that OP is the lady that is in a relationship with the father but not living with him and that the mother is the person who is in a relationship with another person that does live with her.

So, OP, may I ask, what is your relationship with DC’s father? Is it just a casual thing? Please don’t answer that question if you feel I am being intrusive, I am merely asking just to try and get a better understanding of the mother’s state of mind and behaviours.

Surely if kids loose interest they put phone down?

Theres no harm in saying to dc if its bedtime to say night to mum, younwill ring her tomorrow and then hang up.

Same as if mum rings during dinner. I wouldn't answer, I'd send a text saying they will ring after dinner

Friend gave her kids old iPhone/ipads so she cam facetime directly without bothering so if kids answer great if they dont that's life

@Hankunamatata Surely if kids loose interest they put phone down?

Lol DC hangs up the phone on me on a regular basis whenever I call to see if they are okay. I just laugh.

Kids are both odd and hilarious creatures 😄

@Hankunamatata Same as if mum rings during dinner. I wouldn't answer, I'd send a text saying they will ring after dinner

True. But then, I would actually keep my word and ring after dinner. Then if the child seems uninterested, then oh well, such is life, end of conversation, child is happy and content, goodnight and goodbye kinda thing.

Oh no I am not the partner. I am a school mum, who is friends with both parents but more so with dad as I see him more. Our kids are friends

he asked me for advice as I am a woman, and a mum. He asked if it was normal, like would I call a lot if it was me? And I said no I wouldn’t call this much.

Ok from what he has said the call comes, he answers it, hands his phone to kids, they lose interest and put the phone on the table/bed/floor or whatever, they wander off and mum is still on the other end trying to engage with them cos she won’t hang up. Dad ends up ending it eventually but it’s drawn out as she wants the kids coaxed back to the phone before she will give up on the call. He’s cooking or bath or doing dad stuff and then running round with this bloody phone call getting stressed out.

Ok from what he has said the call comes, he answers it, hands his phone to kids, they lose interest and put the phone on the table/bed/floor or whatever, they wander off and mum is still on the other end trying to engage with them cos she won’t hang up. Dad ends up ending it eventually but it’s drawn out as she wants the kids coaxed back to the phone before she will give up on the call. He’s cooking or bath or doing dad stuff and then running round with this bloody phone call getting stressed out.

Thank you, OP for clarifying this.

In short, this woman has issues and needs to get a grip. DC’s (especially small DC’s) really have no interest other than saying Hi and Bye to the other parent when they are away from them. They don’t understand Mummy wanting to check in, Mummy having issues with checking in, Mummy getting offended when DC puts the phone on the floor and goes on about their business.

Now I realise I was actually spot on. The mother is vindictive. Because in what normal world would anyone expect the father to coax a small child into talking to their mother or merely engaging in any form of conversation with someone, when they do not want to? Who would do that to a child?

And a better and more relevant question, who would expect a parent who is doing all the other bits and bobs, sorting out the children, evening routine etc, to go and get the children and essentially force them to converse with someone? Mother or not?

An unreasonable, selfish and vindictive person. That’s who. I’m going to rest my case right here now.

Well, I'm afraid dad is just going to have to grow a spine and put some boundaries in place. I know you said "She would be upset if he brought it up and feel wounded", but - tough shit if she is. She needs to rein it in. At the moment she's treating him like a nanny who's there to do the donkey work whilst she's in charge calling the shots. He's (at least) as much the parent as she is and she needs to accept that. I'm not sure she has.

Anyway, boundaries:

1. No calls during meal times, bathtimes, bedtimes. Its disruptive for both the children and him.
2. When the child wanders off, the call is over and she hangs up. There will be no coaxing, the child has ended the call.
3. Consider telling her that he'd rather she didn't call every day. It's his time with his children, and he'd rather be with them uninterrupted than talking with his ex.
4. No more making plans with the DC in his time. If it's something special he would accommodate, but it is to be the exception and not the rule.

And he has to stick to it. They have a conversation, he tells her what his boundaries are, and from that point on the boundaries are enforced. If the kids have wandered off and she's still on the phone, the most she gets from him is 'they've gone to play and I'm making dinner, bye'. Rinse and repeat - "it's disruptive to my home life and the children's routines". He needs to stop feeling bad about it. He has every right to peace and quiet in his own home without his ex ringing all the time and expecting him to do her bidding.

I got the genders completely messed up, but for the record, I want to state that my advice remains the same - Parent A needs to simply stop taking the calls. Or, as it sounds like the issue is the LENGTH of the calls, he should simply refuse to facilitate long calls. A cheery, "right, Maisie is doing a puzzle and I've got Pete in the bath so we'll talk to you tomorrow" is fine and the mum needs to accept that. It's not really his problem if she can't.

Similarly, if she wants a day out with them during his time, he needs to treat her the same way he would OP - ie if OP said, "me and DC are off to the park tomorrow, shall I take your DC with us?" he might think, "Ooh, that would be fun for them and it would allow me to get some DIY done" and send them OR he might think, "I was looking forward to taking them to the cinema so no, that's not convenient."