Who is unreasonable here?

[Earpieced]

2 parents divorced. Small DC

Parent A has DC 60% of the week and parent B has 40%. Not court ordered, mutual agreement.

both work. Both have new partners. Parent A does not live with partner

Parent A does most school runs and day to day things.

Parent B misses the DC and likes to check on them and texts, calls and video calls Parent A daily. Parent B makes plans with the DC in parent A’s time. Parent B’s new partner does childcare while they are at work.

Parent A does not hear from the DC during parent B’s time and there are no calls.

Parent B took DC on holiday and offered to facilitate the DC to call Parent A, then forgot to call or text.

If parent A puts in boundaries with regard to contact in their time, is this unfair to parent B who has less time with the DC and misses them?

I think as it’s almost 50/50 then there’s no need for either parent to be calling unless it’s a birthday or something.

I think the kids should know if they want to speak to the other parent on the phone that’s absolutely fine and it shouldn’t be discouraged but the other parent shouldn’t be making contact when it’s not their contact time.

What’s the longest each parent goes without seeing the children?

I think you could be right based on OP’s post after mine.

You're not neutral, you're clearly #TeamDad

While I agree with you somewhat, one thing I did note in OP’s first post is that the DC is a small DC. Which gives me the impression that DC is under the age of 5. But that is merely a presumption and I could obviously be wrong.

Both parents are entitled to uninterrupted time with children. Daily calls are invasive and interrupt that time.

So dad isn't upset about the missed call but just wants to bitch about the situation to a completely neutral party instead? It doesn't make sense.

Its not your time/my time. It's their childhoods. They should know both parents are there whenever they want or need them (within reason of course).

Agreed.

A boundary could be not picking up the calls if they are inconvenient to take or it’s a rushed evening with tired children? Is this unreasonable? Or is it better to ask directly please call less?

I think it’s best to have a grown up discussion about it with each other.

There’s no need for either to speak to the children unless it’s a birthday, last day of school, special performance etc or if the child has asked.

I don’t think there was any reason dad needed to speak to the children on holiday either.

If the children ask then the parent should be phoned straight away.
If it’s a birthday or something then the parents need to discuss what time is the best time to ring.

I know it’s difficult but I think the communication between the parents needs to be better and clearer.

I'm pretty sure OP is the partner of the dad, you can tell by how he can do no wrong in this situation.

Many MNers responses are usually based on the sex of the OP or which side they’re on.

The only way to get unbiased views on here is to try stay neutral, else there’s no point asking for advice.

I am a mutual friend not a stranger, and I have children the same age so it’s not completely weird. 😆

I do find myself siding with dad on this on a personal level as it would piss me off. my bloody mother has a habit of calling at 7pm wanting long winded chats just as I am elbows deep in the bath, dirty plates and scrubbing toothpaste off the walls. If I don’t pick up, she makes me feel bad about missing speaking to my kids. But I tried to ask neutrally on this matter. I would miss my kids a lot if I was away from them half a week. I have tried to give dad advice to have some (loose) boundaries for his own sanity.

I will clear up the holiday situ. Mum said to dad oh we will call you from holiday ok? Dad said great. He text after a few days to check they were all ok. She replied yeah we will call you soon. No call. Dad knew they were ok and having fun prob. Didn’t stress. Returned from holiday, all fine, then within a few hours she wanted to video call. Baffled dad I assume as that’s what he asked me if this was normal

Yes, I do agree with this.

But what if the parent is simply calling to say hello and check on the child’s well-being?

Or would you argue that that is not only invasive but indicative that the enquiring parent doesn’t trust the other parent’s ability to look after the child adequately?

I only ask this because I am very much the same whenever DH goes away with DC for the weekend. I can openly admit that this is solely due to my anxiety though and not his fault or responsibility at all.

Ok my own view on this is if your child loses interest in the call within a few minutes why would you stay on the phone or keep calling? Could mean it’s more about the anxiety/checking than the child as they DGAF about the call they are off playing.

I still don't get why he didn't just call them though, she probably just thinks if he really wanted to speak them he'd call like she does, seems like a big deal being made out of nothing

Did Parent B (mum) want the 40% or did she want more?

Because that's what it looks like to me

Because they're your children and most parents would like some form of contact with their child everyday, just to hear their voice, ask them how their day was etc, it's part of forming good relationships with your children imo, it's something that you don't really have to think about though if you have your children full time

I’m so confused.

I just think that any parent that has DC with them at that time absolutely should be able to spend uninterrupted time with their child.

At the same time, I would equally argue that the other parent absolutely should be allowed to call and check on DC’s well-being, especially if other parent allows other parent to do the same thing whenever DC is in their care.

I completely disagree with OP’s opinion about if the child becomes disinterested in the call. They are a child. You’re lucky if their attention span lasts any longer than 2.5 seconds.

Irrespective of this, imo, it doesn’t mean that the parent shouldn’t still be allowed to call up to speak with the child. Most parents would simply see that their child is absolutely fine, say goodbye and end the call.

Anything outside of that is a personal issue with the enquiring parent that is not the other parent’s fault and needs to addressed by the enquiring parent, by themselves and through their own means.

Because that anxiety is not DC’s fault nor is it their problem or responsibility to resolve, or suffer as a result of.

@Darkstar4855 yes and I was completely wrong!

I just thought parent B sounded like a Disney dad and parent A like a harrassed mum.

You’ll just get posts claiming to have not read the thread that now think A is the arse. Pure coincidence…

I wouldn’t answer phone. If I was feeling like being nice I would video call, when children are settled in bed.

Oh okay so Parent A is the father?

Well no, in that case, that changes nothing.

Because I still stand by the fact that if Parent B is being unreasonable in terms of allowing the same level of contact whenever DC is in her care, but expecting the same whenever DC is in Parent A’s care, is bang out of order and even somewhat vindictive.

As I said initially, it sounds like Mediation may be necessary at this point.

I don’t think it matters what’s ‘fair’ to either parent, it’s not about them. If teh children want to talk with their other parent while they’re not with them, they should be able to. It’s not fair to put pressure on children to speak to a parent that might be missing them when they aren’t bothered.

"Parent B [mum] makes plans with the DC in parent A’s [dad's] time."

"when mum calls the DC they often lose interest but she won’t hang up the phone. The calls go on for a long time during the bed/dinner routine."

The mother is being unreasonable (and a PITA). She needs to stop with the 'performative concern', because that's what the not ending the phonecall says to me. She's using it to demonstrate to her ex that she misses the children when they're not with her. She must know she's disrupting the children's routines! She might think this shows how much she cares, for me it suggests that she's happy to disrupt their life with dad (hence my comment of performative concern).

You know this woman @Earpieced - is she a doting but clingy mother, a passive-aggressive territory claimer who wants more than 40%, or an emotionally-incontinent me-me--me type? From your descriptions she could be any of them )and a few others but this is what sprang to my mind).

And why is the agreed split 60/40 rather than 50/50? What factors made that the agreed split?

My opinion stayed the same anyway 💁

Ditto. I stand by everything I said. I even think that Parent A is being vindictive, controlling and unfair in many ways.