Who is BU? DS's hair cut

[FruityPooty]

Who is BU? Parent 1 or Parent 2. I will try to present both as factually as I can.

Parent 1: (to DS, 11yo) we need to go get your hair cut. (It's longer than normal, his hair is curly and thick so it gets bushy pretty quickly)

DS: I don't want a haircut. I like it this way.

Parent 1: Ok. But you need to get it done before school starts.

DS: Yeah, ok. I'll probably need it done in a week or two.

Parent 2: (to DS) No. It's too long and looks messy. Go get your hair cut.

DS: I should be able to choose how I want my hair.

Parent 1: (to Parent 2) I agree with DS. It's summer holiday and there's nothing pressing he needs to look smart for. Let it grow for now.

Parent 2: (to Parent 1) There are standards that should be upheld. Why don't we just let him get away with everything? Let's just let him parent himself, he doesn't need us. You're not parenting him, you're an absent parent. You're being neglectful.

Ok, it's probably pretty clear which parent I am but this is what was said, almost verbatim, minus the ensuing argument.

He's 11, it's his hair. Is he able to keep it maintained by himself? If so then it's his own choice to get it cut or not. If he relies on a parent then there is some leeway with when it gets done as someone else is doing the work with it but ultimately the end style should be something he likes.

You're both unreasonable, I agree with your son.

Parent 2 is being unreasonable, what do they mean by "You're an absent parent"? That's a shitty thing to say

What is wrong with these people?

Listen to the child for goodness sake.

It’s hair. His hair. He gets to decide

In with the son too

His hair, his choice!

Obviously you are being reasonable (as Is DS), DH is being a twat.

standards? Is he 97?

Son thinks it'll need doing in a week (so he must think its overly long - like both his parents do). Ring up and book. Say first appointment is in a week.

No one loses face.

Parent 2 is being unreasonable.

This, only listening to him in the summer holidays doesn’t really count.

Frankly, even if he doesn't keep it maintained, I think it should be his choice.
My daughter's hair looked like a birds nest for years... she liked it that way. I was the same as a kid and remember my mother chasing me round the room with a hairbrush.
As a teenager she has developed an unexpected interest in self grooming whereas I don't even own a comb

I should perhaps have worded that better as I do agree with you. Level of maintenance by himself is irrelevant if he has full responsibility for his hair. Which, at 11, he should do.

Parent 2 sounds like a twat.

He's 11 he should definitely be able to decide what hair he has!

Both wrong.

1. who cares about what the hairs like as long as it isn't dishevelled or causing issues in other ways (in eyes, too hard to detangle etc).

2. you've both undermined each other in front of your child. Parenting fail #1.

3. parent 2 took it WAY too far. It's ok to disagree with decisions but resorting to insulting the others parenting isn't on. Absent parent because they know to pick their battles? Sounds immature.

Think a wider conversation needs to happen about better ways to communicate tbh

Parent 2 does sound like a twat

But I also agree parent 1 should listen to ds out of the summer holidays as well as during them.

My dd has short hair and I’d definitely let ds have long hair if he wanted it - as it is he wants it shorter than I would choose but it’s his choice what makes him feel comfortable

I understand it being cut for school, most schools have rules about haircuts and it usually says something like long hair should be neat and tidy, which is somewhat different to PPs daughter's "bird's-nest". Allowing a negotiated amount of freedom would include him having it longer in summer, he's already said he'll have it cut in a couple of weeks before school return. Parent 2 massive over reaction.

I agree with @WidgetDigit2022

I think it’s his hair and he should be allowed to have it as he wants. I like long messy hair though

At 11 he should be able to choose his own hairstyle, taking in to account any school rules he may have to comply with in September. But for now, it's the school holidays - who cares!

My best friend's son has decided he wants longer hair. I think it looks dreadful, she thinks it looks dreadful, her DH hates it, but do they say anything to him? No, because it's his choice and he's the one that will look back on photos in 20 years time as say "my god, did I really have hair like that"?!

@FruityPooty does your DH have a receding hairline and is showing his jealously of your DS's gorgeously thick hair? Because that can be the only half-arsed reason for being a total idiot about it! (I'm not saying it's a justifiable excuse, but some men are pathetically paranoid about their hairlines!)

You need to remind Parent 2 that -

a) The purpose of parenting is not to give free rein to his dictatorial, controlling tendencies, but to steer his ds towards independence. This entails allowing his ds increasing levels of freedom (within age appropriate limits, obviously) to make his own decisions.

b) He is not living in a Dickens’ novel.

Ffs he is 11. You need to chill out massively.

Standards to be upheld. Poor kid.

Both parents are unreasonable to be commenting on his he looks. One parent is talking about his hair being messy and the other is saying there’s nothing he needs to look smart for for. It’s his hair and he can have it any way he likes at 11. Why are either of you commenting on how he looks of treating him like an accessory that must look smart? Leave him alone.