Who is BU? DS's hair cut

[FruityPooty]

Who is BU? Parent 1 or Parent 2. I will try to present both as factually as I can.

Parent 1: (to DS, 11yo) we need to go get your hair cut. (It's longer than normal, his hair is curly and thick so it gets bushy pretty quickly)

DS: I don't want a haircut. I like it this way.

Parent 1: Ok. But you need to get it done before school starts.

DS: Yeah, ok. I'll probably need it done in a week or two.

Parent 2: (to DS) No. It's too long and looks messy. Go get your hair cut.

DS: I should be able to choose how I want my hair.

Parent 1: (to Parent 2) I agree with DS. It's summer holiday and there's nothing pressing he needs to look smart for. Let it grow for now.

Parent 2: (to Parent 1) There are standards that should be upheld. Why don't we just let him get away with everything? Let's just let him parent himself, he doesn't need us. You're not parenting him, you're an absent parent. You're being neglectful.

Ok, it's probably pretty clear which parent I am but this is what was said, almost verbatim, minus the ensuing argument.

Is Parent 2 visiting you from the year 1890?

It Parent 1 and 2 disagree they should talk about it in private and present a united front in front of the child

There comes a point when you are actually harming children by always presenting a united front, as it is generally the parent who is being a complete knob who 'wins' in that situation. Sometimes it's okay to undermine. Children sometimes need you to advocate for them in the face of someone who is being completely unreasonable, even if that person is the other parent. I 'presented a united front' for far too long, and deeply regret it.

Both are being unreasonable as he does not want a haircut. Both as bad as each other with their demands.

Divide and rule. Valuable lesson for the future.

Both of the parents are unreasonable. If he doesn't want it cut before he goes back to school he shouldn't have to

It's his hair, on his head therefore up to him how he wears it

I recently looked at my old school photos from 1976. All the boys had long luscious locks down to their shoulders. It was a photo of the prefects and school captains.😂

Depends on the school!

Children need to know they have a say in their own body. Negotiating a hair cut for before school starts is a reasonable outcome and builds skills in reaching an agreement. Parents shouldn't bicker between themselves about their children in front of the children; it can make children feel uncertain, but it can give some children leverage later on...

Then he will learn by isolation or detention.

SideShowBob all the way!

Standards must be upheld? My vagina would just slam shut at that example of pompous comment. And you’re an absent parent? Because you never do anything for your ds? What exactly does your ‘d’h do for him?

My child wouldn't go to a school he wasn't allowed long hair in. I'd be very surprised there was a school that didn't allow a pupil to have long hair based on having a penis.

Not all children get to choose their school!

And you are very, very mistaken if you think there are no schools which have rules about hair styles/lengths for boys, and different but equally firm rules for girls (which normally consist of it being compulsory for them to have long hair tied back).

None where I live. Thank god! Who'd send their kid to a school like that.

My 8 year old has hair down his back and has it tied up. No problems.

I'm on the side of ds as well his hair, his choice

You should both leave him and his hair alone. Worry about your own hair.

Thank you for all the replies.

To clarify, DS and I (yes, I'm parent 1) were in the living room on our own when I told DS we were going for a haircut and he said he didn't want to. Today was the first time he's ever expressed a preference about not getting it cut. I usually just take him to the barber and he comes along. He expressed his preference and I respected that. DH overheard and undermined my parenting so I had to stand up for myself and for DS.

It's his hair! However since his hair is thick and curly, do you or him know how to properly care for wavy/curly hair? It doesn't need to be shaved off - curly hair is not inherently messy!

He is 11 and is enjoying his long messy hair and let him enjoy it for the summer holidays. Are there rules at school re: hair or can he just tie it back like girls do. I think coming across all controlling and old fashioned like the one parent who is insisting will come back to bite him in the arse. It is just hair not the end of the world. Everyone had long hair in the 70's.

My 11 year old has been walking round with messy hair for quite some time now. He does have it under cut and thinned out but it's curly and can be pretty unruly

It's his hair so I just leave him to it as long as he washes it regularly it's up to him .

And to answer your questions about his school. He's going into High School next year and they don't have any specific rules about hair. Most of the boys I've seen keep theirs short.

DH still has most of his hair and he keeps it very short.

Who'd send their kid to a school like that

Someone who doesn't have the luxury of being able to pick and choose the schools their children attend?

Someone who does have this luxury, and chooses a school with very strict rules regarding dress and general appearance?

Someone who wouldn't ask judgy rhetorical questions?

There could be all kinds of reasons which don't merit that kind of response, @AllThingsServeTheBeam

This

My DS14 has just had his hair cut -well the sides and back really short and has left the top and fringe long(for him) - fringe nearly over his eyebrows - he spends inordinate amounts of time faffing with it and taking selfies from different angles.

I don't love the style (IMO she has had better styles and cuts) but he loves it , needless to say DH doesn't like it and also doesn't understand the time and fuss DS spends on his hair - DH has short hair, cut regularly and washed in bath with whatever shampoo he finds - the use of conditioner & styling product is solely left to me !

I just tell my DH that DS is a teenager, it looks fine and it's his hair and at least he is starting to take an interest in himself