Who are you? Aaarrghh

[antelopevalley]

I am having a shit day. Back at hospital this evening with my DP. It is an ongoing issue so I am not worried, but he needs treatment tonight to be okay.

He feels pretty unwell and so I have asked different Drs questions for him e.g. so should he continue with his existing medication alongside the new medication? When should we see some improvement? etc etc.

Every time I get asked - who are you? Often said in quite a demanding tone. What does it matter who I am? DP is there with me and is obviously quite happy for me to hear everything they are saying. Why does it matter whether I am his wife, a girlfriend, a sister or a friend? I am obviously not a random stranger. It just annoys me so much. It is really none of their business.
AIBU?

It's engrained in everyone in healthcare to ask. Can't tell you how much hassle it would be to having conversations about someone to the wrong person. It would be a violation of privacy. Surely you can see that

This!

“His partner”. Takes a second.

Yup, this. Why are you so precious?

Confidentiality.
I am surprised that they don’t also check with your dp that he is happy for you to hear everything. Even as a family member you are not entitled to hear medical information about a capable adult without their consent.
YABVU

You’re asking for confidential information.
They have to check who you are and if your dp is happy for you to be spoken to. I’m afraid that if you are not married I don’t think you have any rights regarding medical information.
Just answer them and let them get on with their job.

My DP is there! I can hear everything they say to him.

I can see why it’s upsetting, especially with a “tone” but I agree with PP who said they need to be sure that they are abiding by strict codes of confidentiality and patient consent. One thing that might help is if you introduce yourself before you make a request or ask a question.

You might say something like “Hi I’m X’s partner (your name) and his next of kin, I’m asking questions and making requests on his behalf while he’s unwell, could you tell me…”

It might sound a bit robotic, but it gives them some important cues that you can be trusted and you understand some of the limitations they face when dealing with an intermediary. It might feel less like you have to answer to them, and you’ll probably get more complete responses as well.
He’s lucky to have to there to look out for him. I hope you’re doing okay, it sounds like you’re both having a tough time of it. Hope your partner gets well soon💐

I can understand why you're frustrated, OP, but they do need to check that you are allowed to discuss his medical business with you.

consent over sharing confidential information is basic safeguarding in professions who deal with all kinds of people (for instance including those whose dp is exerting coercive control type behaviors) . Be glad you live in a country where these things are recognised and protected for. Just answer the question, let the doctor/nurse do their job, it's not personal, be glad that in your case this type of standardised protection isn't necessary even though it will still happen because for some people it is needed.

I answer the question and say I am his wife. But what difference does that make? I am with him. And he is still allowed to have medical confidentiality from his wife,
I won't get more complete answers. I know far more about his condition than the vast majority of staff we are seeing. But this treatment is straightforward.
Some just seem like - why are you asking me that! I am asking because we need to know how to manage things until he can speak to his consultant next week.

I do know I am more irritable than normal as spent the morning with DD is minor injuries with a broken bone.
Hopefully, we will get home soon.

Bit they do not. They just accept once I say I am his wife that they can answer my questions while he is there. And it makes sense. I am the one looking after him. I need to know the details.

It works the other way too - they would ask different questions to a partner than a sister, for example sleeping habits, diet etc. So it’s not just about what you might hear, it’s also about what you could tell them.

@Nixbox none of that is relevant.

It is not just for confidently.
As HCP’s we are trained to spot red flags indicating issues such as domestic abuse. One potentially suspicious sign is someone speaking over the patient, demanding information and generally trying to take control of the situation.
Obviously context is relevant here, but I have used phrases such as “excuse me but who are you?” many times, probably in a slightly passive-aggressive way, to try and shut a very noisy/aggressive/intimidating relative up and get the actual patient to speak, even if it’s just to get a feel for whether the patient is just feeling too poorly or is actually too frightened or intimidated to speak for themselves.

Okay next time I will send him himself. They will have to keep home in as he won't be able to manage his medication when he is ill as he will not remember what he has been told and I will refuse to pick him up.
Domestic abuse ffs!!

And I am NOT speaking over him. I ask questions he is not able to remember to ask or remember the answer to. I let him answer any questions they ask - which a lot of the time he turns to me and says is that right?
He has a rare condition and the nurses just ignore me when I try and explain what it means.

You realise pp wasn't accusing you of domestic abuse? Simply explaining why they need to clarify who you are, and the relationship between you and their patient.
You're making this about you tbh - they are there to treat your husband, not placate you. They have a job to do. You're being ridiculous, rude (on here), and creating a problem where there isn't one.

We also have to document everything we do including conversations... I much prefer to document 'discussed with patients wife' opposed to 'discussed with random woman standing beside patient but didn't ask who she was in case it offended her'. The first option flows better and is quicker to write which is always a winner when you work in a busy hospital environment and have 10 thousand other things to do and writing excess words takes away from patient care. I do try to ask in a non aggressive manner and always clarify consent with the patient even if informed consent is given by them not objecting to the person asking. Can't be too careful with what people complain about these days!

You are being ridiculous.

Wow no need to be like that! I have NOT in any way tried to accuse you of abusing your DH! I am
merely trying to explain to you that it is absolutely INGRAINED into us to try and spot signs of this, and encouraging the patient to speak for themselves is one of the things we are taught from day one.
No need to be offended. I can understand your frustration. I am just trying to offer a potential explanation for why HCP’s are asking you certain questions.
I understand you’ve had a shit day and you have my sympathy. No need to be rude.

I did not mean to be rude.
But I was simply trying to say the fact I am his wife suggests no more consent than if I was a friend. So really does not make sense.

They have to ask. Because they need to assess whether you’re an appropriate person in front of whom they can discuss the patient’s private medical information. They cannot assume. They cannot tell just by looking at you. They’re in hot water if they don’t.

Surely, if you’re familiar with the process and the system, you can understand that? It takes moments to confirm who you are. Christ.

Eh? Of course it does - a spouse or parent is assumed to be next of kin, whereas a friend could be anybody.

To be honest, if you speak to / interact with medical staff the way you've responded to PPs on here, I can completely understand their brusque tone.

Im sure as a partner you have no lawful say in regards to treatment etc, you're not regarded as next of kin, isn't it the closest relative unless you're married ?
I remember reading something about a woman who had been with her partner for 30 years but because they wasn't married she wasn't even allowed to have any say in his funeral arrangements.
That always stuck with me as it's so sad.