Who are you? Aaarrghh

[antelopevalley]

I am having a shit day. Back at hospital this evening with my DP. It is an ongoing issue so I am not worried, but he needs treatment tonight to be okay.

He feels pretty unwell and so I have asked different Drs questions for him e.g. so should he continue with his existing medication alongside the new medication? When should we see some improvement? etc etc.

Every time I get asked - who are you? Often said in quite a demanding tone. What does it matter who I am? DP is there with me and is obviously quite happy for me to hear everything they are saying. Why does it matter whether I am his wife, a girlfriend, a sister or a friend? I am obviously not a random stranger. It just annoys me so much. It is really none of their business.
AIBU?

@SomePosters I am disagreeing it is a safety protocol.
I have zero issue with the date of birth thing.

As far as I'm aware they should be checking the patient is happy for them to have discussions with X person.

However, the relationship between X person and the patient is irrelevant and none of their business.

If a patient is happy for his milkman to ask questions and be given information on his behalf the medical professionals should honour this. The 'label' doesn't mean anything

you are being ridiculous and petty. It takes less than a second to say ‘his wife’

And for the posters saying just say you're his wife/partner. This shouldn't be relevant. If a patient doesn't want information to be shared with his wife/partner then they shouldn't be discussing it with the wife/partner. End of.

It's not the relationship status that determines their ability to share info or not. It's the consent

Honestly can't fathom why you have started this thread if you're unwilling to hear out 99% of the responses.

I am a nurse and we are obligated to ask who a patient's chaperone is for all the same reasons that many posters have explained here. Why on earth would it annoy you?

Understand that every health care professional has a job to do, cares about your DP/DH and appreciates that you know a lot about your DP/DH and therefore it will be of benefit for you (and your DP/DH) to be part of the conversations. Establishing who you are is obviously part of this otherwise they could be talking to any Tom Dick or Harry.

And as a previous poster has said - yes it is a red flag if a patients relative continuously talks for them/over them, even despite their level of care giving. We want to know what the patient feels directly.

@scoobycute where did you get that I talked over my DP or for him?
Please do not accuse me of things that are not true.

Or just disagreeable frankly!

Your opinion doesn’t matter here. HCP are trained to ask who they are talking to for multiple reasons, including patient safety and confidentiality, but also to avoid embarrassing situations like assuming a younger looking woman is daughter who turns out to be wife etc

Its a sensible protocol that avoids all kinds of mix up and potential confusion. You don’t have to like or agree with it you just have to answer the question, ideally without making anyones day harder than it needs to be

@antelopevalley I didn't say you did. I reiterated that that is a red flag

I like when staff introduce themselves and ask who DP and I are. That is fine.
I do not like when they come in, start doing examinations, giving medical information and when I say anything then say - And who are you?
You will not change my mind. That is rude, And pretty common.

@scoobycute I totally get that you need the patients consent to share information with a 3rd party, but so long as you have this why does it matter who the 3rd party is?

Are there examples of roles that would not qualify even if the patient wanted them involved?

Husband/wife - that would be ok
Parent/child - that would be ok
Brother/sister - that would be ok?
Step brother/sister - presume that would still be ok?
Friend - do you need to establish how close they are?

For example if a patient said "it's my friend and I'd like them involved", would you ask how long they've been friends? Establish how close they are? If not, I'm struggling to see why the information is relevant to whether you then disclose information?

Do you have the power to say "sorry, I know the patient wants me to discuss their medial issues with you but I don't think that given your relationship is only x, y or z that this would be appropriate"?

What? No of course we don't have the power to do that nor do we sit and analyse the relationships between visitors and patients hence why we ask, who are you?

To establish who they are! Because otherwise we don't know them from Adam! It's also just to know who is with them for writing in notes etc as many other posters have explained 🤷🏼‍♀️

I get you, OP. If your DH is sat right next to you, then obviously you are a close family member or at least someone who your DH is happy to speak for him, seeing as he’s SAT RIGHT THERE NEXT TO YOU! I get it if you were talking without his knowledge, but he’s there, with you. If he didn’t want you to speak for him, he could, err, just say

Have you read any of the many posts written by HCPs on this thread who say that a frequent DV 'red flag' is controlling partners (male and female) who will deliberately speak over the patient and that medics are trained to look out for this?

Or is your lack of reading comprehension a sort of special cabaret performance in this instance?

If you said "I'm his colleague/hairdresser/next door neighbour who popped in with some grapes" they would say "we will update his next of kin first".

we have limited time to update each person's NOK and you wouldn't believe the amount of random distant non-relations who take up that time, ask their questions out of sheer nosiness and don't bother passing on any of what you've said to the actual family.

Lastly, I need to be able to write in the notes who I updated.

What a dick you sound!

fucking millions of people are going through abuse and you’re moaning cos you have to say one word every so often ‘wife’

most of the the population are grateful we live somewhere where things like domestic abuse are picked up due to protocols like this. Jesus

I was sitting in the room with him. I had driven him to A and E. If it was his next door neighbour who helped him they would need to know the same answers as me.
What they actually needed to know is, do you live alone? If yes is there anyone who helps you? He could not have gone home alone, he needed help whoever that was from.

I think some HCP still labour under the illusion that since they know much more than you about medicine, they therefore must never be questioned or explain themselves. Even when you clearly have years of experience with this one particular person and the HCP have often only just met them!

Also some people are very good doctors but have terrible bedside manner.

But also they are stressed and busy and may be overworked and tired.

I’m not surprised your chap has to spend a lot of time in hospital. Frankly, if you go on like this with him, I should think he is losing the will to live. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤨😵‍💫

I know staff are overworked and busy. And this is a minor annoyance. It is not asked for most of the reasons given here though.

Ouch 😂

Thanks. MN at its most supportive. I spend the morning with DD in minor injuries and evening with DP in A and E, and someone on MN can only be very nasty to you.

Perhaps you should reconsider your attitude. On this thread you have been nothing but rude, so it's a bit late to play the everyone's mean to me card

I mean, it’s worth them clarifying, I work in A&E. Sometimes you start talking to the patient only for them to tell you that it’s their boss sat with them who brought them to A&E, or the random Good Samaritan who scooped them up off the side of the road when they fell over and bust their knee while out running who is just waiting around until their actual family gets there. Or their stepdad who strangely won’t leave his 17 year old step daughters side, or the partner of a patient who has a previous domestic violence flag on their record (and you don’t know if this is the previous perp, or a new partner who treats her well, or a new partner who is also a perp). Or your adult male patient has a safeguarding flag on his file because allegations were made about him relating to CSA and the woman he has presented with is carrying a toddler and has a five year old trailing behind her and you really need to find out who these children are and if this man is allowed to have contact with them/any children.

On the flip side of this my mother was almost given a very serious medical treatment she didn't require at hospital recently, because they had two patients in that day with the same, very common, first name and didn't use her surname, or ask any questions to clarify who she was our why she was there, DM was of course unaware there was another Jane* there at the same time. When DM tried to insist she wasn't there for the serious medical procedure just some blood tests and a scan she was told she must be confused. She's early sixties and works full time...
It was only when she leaned over and looked at the huge medical file in the desk (she is in rude health and this recent minor incident was the first time she'd been to any HCP in years) and pointed out to the best that the medical information she'd been divulging wasn't hers, and she hoped hers wasn't being disclosed to the other Jane* , she didn't even get an apology.
Ultimately as all hallowed as the NHS is, you will still get done staff who are rude/shit, you won't find an industry without.
Are you married OP? You refer to yourself as his wife, but also call him your DP. Legally this makes a difference of the worst happens and they need your input.

You've been incredibly rude to quite a lot of people on here, including some HCPs who presumably often find themselves in the situation you describe.

I'm sorry that your day has been so stressful and I sincerely hope that your DD and DP fell better soon, but really, you need to be prepared to take in what you give out.