Who are you? Aaarrghh

[antelopevalley]

I am having a shit day. Back at hospital this evening with my DP. It is an ongoing issue so I am not worried, but he needs treatment tonight to be okay.

He feels pretty unwell and so I have asked different Drs questions for him e.g. so should he continue with his existing medication alongside the new medication? When should we see some improvement? etc etc.

Every time I get asked - who are you? Often said in quite a demanding tone. What does it matter who I am? DP is there with me and is obviously quite happy for me to hear everything they are saying. Why does it matter whether I am his wife, a girlfriend, a sister or a friend? I am obviously not a random stranger. It just annoys me so much. It is really none of their business.
AIBU?

I am very nice and polite.
Being his wife does not mean he consents to me knowing his medical information.
And those who are brusque in asking this are always the ones who do not tell me or my DO their name or who they are. It just seems like a power play. And I get asked this sometimes if I just go up to reception and ask how long the expected wait is. That is hardly confidential information, it does not matter who I am then.
But okay the system obviously thinks because I am his wife they can answer my questions in front of him. If I was a friend looking after him then they would refuse to answer me presumably?

I know you're stressed but honestly I've it a rest and stop worrying about something doesn't really matter. Hope your DP gets better soon.

**give it a rest

You asked a question. People are answering. You don't like the answers. You're kicking off. I get that it's scary and frustrating when a loved one is unwell and has lots of interaction with HCPs but you're coming off as a bit aggressive in your approach on here. Maybe you're doing that IRL too?

OP, I kind of get why you are frustrated, I've also been in the system extensively with my husband and it feels like you are starting again with everyone...and no-one is able to pass the information on.

As for data protection, the irony is with flimsy curtains in overcrowded wards, there's no bloody confidentiality anyway! I have known so much about so many people's conditions, it's untrue!

NHS struggle with confidentiality, because realistically when you have carers of any type (family, parents) they need to know stuff and exchange information and so full patient confidentiality can't be maintained. My daughter has 'confidential' sessions on her own and they send the details of what was said to me, the parent! I don't read it as it wasn't said in front of me.

This is the same NHS that uses paper records and wheels them about the hospital rather than online ones and won't send an email to a GP in case it gets intercepted...sending it through the mail where anyone could open the letter!

The whole system is utterly screwed up and I think you are just venting about that really, it's a frustrating place to be, in crappy small curtained rooms with no privacy and people saying 'so who are you?' in a slightly chipppy tone every 10 minutes. Don't take it personally.

By the way, if you are in a lot, then you can get your husband to consent to share information with you formally through say writing a letter to the GP practice, or having it on file in the hospital records (such that they are). That makes it easier if there are capacity issues, my husband did that and it worked quite well.

When you enter the room don't the HCPs introduce themselves and invite you to introduce yourself? When DH comes to appointments with me there are always introductions to start off with.

@CurbsideProphet the best staff do that, but no not always.

@FarFarFarAndAway Exactly! We were at A and E. At the reception at A and E, the receptionist had a large plastic screen around them and was sitting back from that. So both the receptionist and patients had to talk more loudly. Everyone in the waiting room could hear what patients were coming in from and any history being taken. There was absolutely zero confidentiality.
So no confidentiality is not taken seriously. The who are you just feels performative.
I should have known that venting on here would mean that I would get accused of being aggressive with medical staff. When I was ultra polite. I know it is not a big deal in the scheme of things, but one of those annoying irritants.

@CurbsideProphet appointments are different, yes they do then. But yesterday I was at A and E and minor injuries unit with two different family members. They do not routinely do that in those settings.

Listening is not your strong point is it!

@antelopevalley I would also find it unnecessarily rude. I'm pregnant and the trust I'm under have a policy for every HCP to introduce themselves at appointments. The Consultant did so the very second she walked in, while the midwives have never bothered. If HCPs say "I'm Dr / Nurse / Midwife So and So" it then gives the patient the opportunity to say "I'm X and this is my DH/DW/DFriend etc Y".

I can imagine that your DP having a health condition requiring management and a lot of hospital visits must be stressful, totally understandable. It may remove one apparent agitation for you if you volunteer the information as a PP has suggested, or at least assume positivs intent on the part of the staff who are asking you. There's little benefit in assuming they're trying to piss you off.

Unfortunately your prickly responses here suggest that you may be coming across in hospital slightly differently from the way you think you are.

I think in these situation you have to remember that to the medical people you are one of many and it's to ensure all the 'right' things are done in a professional manner.
Don't take it personally. If asking these questions repeatedly keeps one person safe that I will suck up the inconvenience/frustration. I do have some experience with my mother and being at many appointments/hospital visits.

@CurbsideProphet I agree, I have never had a consultant not introduce themselves.

I have a friend who spent so much time in the system that she printed off a sheet and laminated it: who they were, what the child's condition was etc. You cannot imagine, unless you've been in it, how many different people you see even for a relatively short stay, and each shift change it's like starting again. Handovers can't last for ages and so they rely on patients and their families reciting who they are and what they are in for again and again, and it is wearing.

All I can say is that you are stressed, it's a stressful situation, the current overload on staff and resources makes it even worse, and the staff are stressed too, so try not to take it all on, and just understand they are doing their best (which most are) in quite a difficult situation just after a pandemic.

The whole issue of confidentiality is a huge problem for an under-resourced NHS with an allergy to great IT, but you won't solve it getting annoyed; the system is what it is! Hugs for you being in this situation, it is trying for everyone.

The quite funny thing is of course is that you could lie! So if you are a partner and not married, you could say 'wife' and indeed I would if I thought saying partner would give me less access than saying 'wife'...

this is the exact problem that made me and my late husband marry, we had been together 11 years, he was ill with an infection in his hand serious enough to need 4 operations, i asked the nurse how it was going and if they had made any progress, her answer to me in front of my partner was ...it has nothing to do with you, if he wants to tell you he will, my partner said book a date for us to marry, we did 4 weeks later, he was back in hospital within months, i went to ask the same nurse and before she could speak i said i was his wife....do you want to see the marriage certificate.afterwards i think the problem was our age difference, he was 18 years older than me.

But that doesn't matter. The patient can bring in a random person he's met this morning and have them support, listen to the discussion and ask questions on his behalf if he wants. Or he can refuse to have his wife aware of any of it and insist on her leaving the room or not even tell he's going to hospital if he wants. It's entirely up to him.

It may be more usual for partners, spouses or close relatives to be involved but they don't have any special status for confidential information concerning an adult patient capable of making independent decisions.

@FarFarFarAndAway I recognise everyone is stressed and doing their best.

I have a friend with no family at all. She has been in the hospital a few times and we have both agreed I can lie and say I am a relative if it looks like it will make a difference. I am the executor of her will and main beneficiary so she does see me as her closest family even though we are not related. I also lied when my mum was dying and we were told relatives only could visit. Her close friend wanted to visit so I just told staff she was a cousin. I have no compunction about lying as the rules around relatives can be ridiculous.

I have to say this has never been my experience. I've been with my partner nearly 20 years, we've both had operations and hospital visits over that time and declared each other as next of kin. Staff were always happy to give information both in person and over the phone, and visiting rights.

It’s good HCP are questioning a patient’s companion who is talking or answering questions on behalf of the patient as it flag’s relationship abuse and identifies potential DV. This isn’t all about you!!! Simply a “I’m his wife/partner” would suffice as an answer and take seconds. Stop being so uppity and difficult with the staff that are just doing their jobs!

It does make sense, though. You are his next of kin and his cohabiting partner, which is quite different from, eg, a friend he's brought along for support. It's not even necessarily about confidentiality or consent; it's simply about them having an understanding of what the relationship is between you so they can gauge the whole situation a bit better. It's totally routine.

When I was a student a housemate accompanied me to A&E and the nurse said 'What's the relationship here?' and when I said 'She's my uni housemate, Sarah' the nurse said 'OK, great - good that you've got some support with you. Sarah, you might want to step outside the cubicle just for a minute just while I give 10HailMarys this injection, unless she doesn't mind you seeing her bum.'

Obviously that's just an example and the specifics might not apply to your DH's situation, but the principle is basically just that once they know you are his wife, they can assume some level of intimacy that they wouldn't be able to assume if you were just a friend there for moral support.

Similarly, when I went to collect my DP from a minor medical procedure they asked me who I was because the fact that I lived with him was relevant to his care and to the type of thing they could say in front of me. If I'd been his friend, they would happily have told him about when to take his painkillers etc while I was present, but there were a couple of other things they said in front of me that were fine for me as a partner to hear but could have been embarrassing to him if I was just a friend giving him a lift home.

You're really overthinking this and being offended about nothing. Just let them do their jobs and stop being precious.

@nexus63 I had a similar experience years ago before we had married. Because I was only a girlfriend I had to sit outside in the waiting area while the consultant talked to my now husband. Afterwards I asked what had been said and what was happening with his medication. He just said he could not remember as he could not take anything in. We had to insist someone came and went over these things again and included me this time. As I was the one who was going to be helping him, and they knew that. They had already said they would have admitted him to hospital if he lived alone, so it was ridiculous to have excluded me when I was going to be doing his care. The nurse obviously thought it had been ridiculous as well and apologised to me.

Read the thread. I was not answering questions on his behalf. I was asking questions about medication because he would not remember as he is too ill to remember. You can see that as abuse if you want to.

Or people get the hump when they are mistaken for a parent, sibling, wife or whatever.