For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

[PeasOff]

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

I suspect much depends on what the SAHP's income was pre-marriage and what their earning potential was too - if both are low and the person marries someone that is a high earner that is not necessarily a 'bad' financial decision. The scenario that worries me much more is a high earning woman marrying a low earning man - they both continue to work work ft when kids come along but she carries the larger burden of work in the home and the mental load during the marriage and then when they get divorced she ends up paying for the freeloading husband going forward (nb I said 'the scenario', I am not suggesting all marriages are like this I am talking about this particular scenario that I have seen all too often).

@prepared101 but you don't like people asking that which is fair enough yet think its ok to ask why be a sahp ?
Does it actually matter to anyone else what someone else chooses to do

@tiggergoesbounce Yes I do have strong opinions on the topic so started it for a debate. What's the problem with that and how does it make my post disingenuous?

Yes I absolutely do and I think women and men sharing the parental load goes a long way in resolving the gender pay gap and inequality between men and women.

Where did I blame women for anything?

Yes I agree women should be able to make their own choices - free from sexist societal influences and pressures. Choices aren't made in a vacuum without external influences.

But standard FT hours is not 80 hours.

@tiggergoesbounce i think I know exactly which poster you mean 😂😂😂 I haven’t read the full 13 pages of replies now but are they here yet.. they won’t sleep a wink tonight 😂😂😂

@TartanGirl1 im fully aware of what full time hours are and at no point said they were
Just said for some working 80 hrs a week they thrive on and wouldn't di any different for otheRs working zero is best for them
Neither is wrong if the person is happy

I am a SAHM for 15 years. I was an older mother so have some pension from before and have qualified for a state pension. added to this, I have a small inheritance that my husband has agreed to not have rights. The final bit and perhaps most controversial, is that I would give him main
custody of the kids. He is an amazing father AND I would want to get my life in order. He has a stable career. I would want to rebuild my work life.

At the time that I left work, my son twins were having severe health issues and my husband earned triple what I earned. It all made sense.

All of this are choices that we make.

@tiggergoesbounce where have I tried to shame anyone?

I hope you stretched before that massive reach

@Topgub

You really can't see the difference between a one year old being left for 6-8 hours a day and a 4 year old? You can't see the emotional and cognitive differences between those ages and their ability to understand and cope with losing their caregiver for the day? You genuinely think it's the same, or are you being deliberately cantankerous?

And I'm intrigued, how did you "make sure" your DP didn't miss out? Did you both go part time and therefore there was one parent at home the whole time? That would be our ideal scenario, but as I say, my DP's work does not support that (we have tried), so I chose to stay at home, despite being the higher earner.

@PeasOff but you can have an opinion but it has zero to do with you what others do
You would be better campaigning for cheaper childcare, more parental time of for dads or paid maternity rather than blaming sahm for the gender pay gap
Its none if your business what others do

Why does it bother people so much? Something about women being sahms really seems to touch a nerve for some. Life’s not all about paid work - if a family can live on one wage for a few years so one parent can be there for young children what’s the issue for randoms ?

@Silverswirl I hope you manage to find something you enjoy doing when the time comes! 🙂

I agree with you and I'm a SAHM. Mumsnet has shown we how vunerable I am and how seemingly wonderful husbands can change so easily, particularly if their head is turned. I have nearly finished retraining for a new career worth a lot more $$$ to protect myself and my children. It was really hard, my youngest is still only 2, but that safety net will be invaluable.

I'm a SAHM, financially dependant on my DH.
I have approx £60k inheritance from my DM that I have invested and our pre nup states he won't touch it (doesn't need to) and I won't touch his family money (that goes to ours DDs and any other kids he may have in the future if we were to split)
I get 50% of our home (approx £500k in our current home) & he will be responsible for the girls' school fees until they turn 18 or leave full time education (his choice) as well as £1k per month, per child maintenance.
He also covers my NI contributions

@canyoutoleratethis

No, not really.

Either its horrific to leave your child for most of the day with a stranger or its not

It doesn't stop being horrific at 4.

Yes we split childcare.

Why on earth would you choose for it to be you if you both wanted it and you were the higher earner?!

Every mother to be should assess her financial position in the event of a split, consider pensions and have a rock solid plan for the very worst case of scenario.
If unmarried - you are totally unprotected legally.
I have used my time as a SAHP to retrain and study, and I am now joining a very well paid profession I know I can do exceptionally well into old age, and this has been rewarding and it’s nice to know if things went wrong this would be an excellent back up - along with a very very comfortable settlement.
You are right op every woman should have various back up plans. Not a wing and prayer.
I have enjoyed motherhood so much, and I hope my family have benefitted from my love and presence. If I had an. Incredible career it might have been a harder decision

@sjxoxo oh yeah, doing there thing again bedding in for the night no doubt

Already hit a few of there normal nonsense comments, goading other posters with silly comments (the posters don't see it yet and are still engaging)

Well im off now, but im sure it will go the same as all the other threads, its like groundhog day for the small minded

@worriedatthistime why does my opinion bother you so much?

The choices other people make does impact on others BTW... bigger picture!

@MsTSwift its so they can look down on others it seems
They really can't see that taking 3-4 years out from tescos isn't going to massively harm most or understand that some people just want to stay at home with their kids for the first few years

@Topgub The point @canyoutoleratethisis making is the difference between a 1 year old baby and a 4 year old is huge, the understanding levels, the skills they have. Handing over a baby to someone is completely different to explaining to your 4 year old look you're going to school with your friends. They have a completely different level of understanding, and as children grow we give them more and more independence, surely you get that's the point?

My mum worked for 15 years at a very good, civil service job in the 70s and 80s with a fantastic pension. After 15 years of trying she thought she’d never conceive and so quit her job and decided to take a couple of months and then start looking. She fell pregnant nearly immediately and decided that, after 15 years of trying, she wanted to stay home and bring me and then my younger brother up. It was undoubtedly hard going, but my parents decided it was worth it. I loved having my mum home, but was also really proud of how she had lived her life pre-children - especially in the 70s when many jobs sacked you as soon as you were married. When I was younger I always thought my life would go the same way - work hard in a well paid job, have a 25 year mortgage that was over halfway paid off before I settled down to be a parent. Sadly it just isn’t a possibility these days - I can’t imagine trying to bring up children, with the opportunities I had, without a double income. One of the many reasons, in my late 30s I remain single and child-free. I salute working mums and SAHP that can make it work these days.

@MsTSwift

The inequality bothers me.

It should bother everyone

@PeasOff you having children full stop impacts on others but I don't suppose you weighed that up before having them
Everything you do has an impact somewhere but don't pretend you think about everything you do and how it impacts people
Yes i think your putting sahm down somewhat so yes i find your opinion or how you express it wrong and your blaming sahm for something much bigger because they are not your choices

I don't know about Silverswirl, but my DH was a SAHD for a year when DS was a baby and he went back to work with a spring in his step. Same after a couple of weeks off at Christmas - couldn't wait to get back!

The plus point was that DH knew exactly how much work was involved in looking after a small child every day. So when I became a SAHM with DD he appreciated my work.

So, no, he didn't wish he could be there for school assemblies etc. But his DM was there for him and I wanted to be there for our DC. So it was a mutual decision. My being at home also meant that we wouldn't be away at conferences etc at the same time. He could focus on his career which he enjoyed, and I could escape mine which I really didn't.

I work very part time one day a week partner is a high earner, we're married , house is jointly owned , I have family money though so if he left tomorrow I'd be fine , I think not being married puts people at risk more but it's a trust thing really and everything's always ok until it's not then the realisation would kick in. Even without the family money I wouldn't feel vulnerable maintenance would be high I could do a lot more hours than I do now.