Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

655 replies

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

OP posts:
Topgub · 27/07/2022 00:25

@MrsBwced

That you dont want to miss out on any time/control/love what ever reason you've given for wanting to be a sahm

Why is that nasty or shitty to you?

Vargas · 27/07/2022 00:35

Completely depends on circumstances. When I was a SAHM we put away lots of savings and paid off our mortgage. If DH's job had been dicey I would probably have gone back to work ASAP. We also had life insurance and critical illness. And we are married. If you're not married and you're a SAHP then you need to seriously think about that...

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 00:38

@Topgub
That you dont want to miss out on any time/control/love what ever reason you've given for wanting to be a sahm

Why is that nasty or shitty to you?

? You've lost me again. I asked you to explain the logic in your comment, not tell me my reasons for being a SAHM.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 00:41

@MrsBwced

that is the logic in the comment. You is a general you, not you individually.

Replace with they/they've if it helps

You appear to be avoiding answering why its nasty

BessieFinkNottle · 27/07/2022 00:49

They don't care enough to try the he though.

Ah come on @Topgub!

Suggesting that parents "don't care enough" about their children if they don't home educate - or whatever - is definitely goady!
Saying parents don't care enough about their children is always goady.
You've previously accused sahms of doing similar to wp and you were (rightfully) indignant about it.

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 00:50

@Topgub
So your logical comment is because someone decides to SAH for whatever reason when they have a baby, they should then stay with that child all the time until I presume 18 or they don't care about them.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 00:56

@MrsBwced

No, lol.

Why do you find it nasty ?

@BessieFinkNottle

I didnt mention not caring about their children

My comment was specifically about the reasoning.

I also didn't deny it was goady. Course it was.

It wasn't nasty or shitty though.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2022 00:57

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

I'm assuming you don't want me to say benefits but in reality...

I quit work because ci wasn't leaving my 2 year old in hospital alone all day and we had no idea when the constant in and out would end. Got pregnant with twins once he was old enough for school so now it's a logistical issue.

If we divorced tomorrow I do have some savings but it would be primarily benefits and CSA that got us through

However the plan has always been to work again once they're in school so I wouldn't see it as a long term plan but enough to get me through if I needed it

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 01:01

@Topgub

So explain the logic better then, because I'm just not getting it.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 01:03

@MrsBwced

Ach well, not much I can do about that, it makes sense to me.

You cant explain to me why its nasty so 🤷

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 01:12

@Topgub
I thought if I understood it properly I might change my mind.
However I can see you've admitted it was goady.
I don't think anyone could call a goady comment nice.
The opposite of nice is nasty and so the logical explanation is the comment was nasty 🤷‍♀️

Topgub · 27/07/2022 01:15

@MrsBwced

That's some mental gymnastics after lots of avoidance but sure, if you say so.

If that's the worst anyone ever says about being a sahm, goady or not, you're laughing

BessieFinkNottle · 27/07/2022 01:19

They don't care enough to try the he though.

Okay, I think it's nasty as well as goady so 🤔

What else were they not caring enough about in the context of that quote, and the preceding conversation, if not their children? (And by caring about their children I include wanting to spend their precious time with them and having control over how their children spend their days etc?)

How else could that sentence be interpreted? What else could they not care enough about?
You say your comment was specifically about their reasoning but that explanation doesn't make sense...the above quote can't be explained by that and your use of the word care implies something very different.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 01:24

@BessieFinkNottle

Only if you're really really determined to twist it that way by ignoring all the previous conversation and context specifically about the original comment

It can only be interpreted that way and offense taken if you think that not giving up work means you don't care enough, imo.

I think that's why it's struck a nerve.

Shock horror, maybe I'm just as bad as a wm if I don't he too!!!

🤣🤣

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 01:26

@Topgub
That's some mental gymnastics after lots of avoidance but sure, if you say so.
About the same amount as you put in trying to explain your innocuous, logical goady comment.

If that's the worst anyone ever says about being a sahm, goady or not, you're laughing
A goady post is just that. Nothing to laugh about. Just because people can say worse things it doesn't make it ok.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 01:35

@MrsBwced

I still don't get why its annoying you so much 🤷‍♀️

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2022 01:37

Surely @Topgub the logic is that mothers who quit work to have kids generally want ot be around full time for the years when DC are unable to verbalise their experience, protect themselves or advocate for themselves. Once they can do that, which coincides with full time school, it's easier to let them go.

BessieFinkNottle · 27/07/2022 02:29

Only if you're really really determined to twist it that way by ignoring all the previous conversation and context specifically about the original comment
I read all the previous conversation and I believe I understood the context all right.

It can only be interpreted that way and offense taken if you think that not giving up work means you don't care enough, imo.
Oh, for the love of God, what rubbish is this now?!

I think that's why it's struck a nerve.
Shock horror, maybe I'm just as bad as a wm if I don't he too!!!
I think that's what you want to think. You want to think badly of sahps. As you admitted upthread you're very biased! Or maybe your argument is floundering so you attack as a form of defence?

Or quite possibly you're just having a laugh and playing with us all...I'm really not sure at this stage 😅

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 02:39

@Topgub
So having read your reply to BessieFinkNottle it comes across that you actually did mean what I posted earlier. That SAHM shouldn't use time/love/control as a reason for SAH with a baby unless they plan on never leaving the child.

I completely understand now why it seems logical to you because you clearly view those reasons as a dig at working parents hence the Shock horror, maybe I'm just as bad as a wm if I don't he too!!!

That's why I struggled with the logic. To me they're just someone's reasons for SAH, incidentally they aren't my reasons.
I have seen from my own children how they needed my time and input more at certain stages and those stages aren't linear.
More importantly I have nothing but respect for working parents. I've been one, I'm married to one and loads of the people I love are working parents so of course I'm not going to be 'as bad as one' because they are not bad!

Your comment annoyed me because it was goady you said that yourself. It was from a someone who I've seen be very vocal about how SAHM say unpleasant things about WM. I found it hypocritical so chose to respond.

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 02:47

@BessieFinkNottle
Or quite possibly you're just having a laugh and playing with us all...I'm really not sure at this stage 😅

Possibly, they've made me stay up way past my bedtime anyway! 😴

milkyaqua · 27/07/2022 03:35

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jul/26/i-will-never-regret-the-time-i-spent-with-my-children-but-society-is-punishing-me-for-it-in-my-60s

Some of the comments on this piece are also worth reading.

The highest growing number of the homeless in Australia is in over-55 women, currently.

MangyInseam · 27/07/2022 04:09

Snoredoeurve · 26/07/2022 06:40

I see changes though.
Very few of the young couples I know put their DC into FT CC.
WFH, compressed hours etc.
The fathers want to spend time with their DC.

All the avoid stress, I will SAH is pulling fathers away from children.
Why is that not commented on?

Show quote history

I do think there is more of both parents making an effort to be home more.

However, I also think that not all types of work are equally amenable to either reduced hours, or career breaks. Sometimes that is just the nature of the job. Want to be the president of a major international corporation, the highest earning lawyer in the city, an army officer, a miner, an Olympic athlete, etc, you will likely not be able to work pt or take career breaks of any duration.

And not all these people will refrain from having kids, so they will have partners who hold down the fort at home, and I suspect 8 or 0 times out of ten, it will be the men who do those jobs and their wives who stay home with the young kids.

MsTSwift · 27/07/2022 05:52

There really does seem to be a subset of people who are very keen to see sahm brought down - revelling in tales of poverty stricken old age and abandoned wives. It seems to upset some that parents can take a pause in a long working life and take the time to raise young children then return to work. Win win. That’s what literally what I and every sahm I know did. Sorry (not sorry) if that upsets anyone 🙄

CashmereMutt · 27/07/2022 06:17

MsTSwift · 27/07/2022 05:52

There really does seem to be a subset of people who are very keen to see sahm brought down - revelling in tales of poverty stricken old age and abandoned wives. It seems to upset some that parents can take a pause in a long working life and take the time to raise young children then return to work. Win win. That’s what literally what I and every sahm I know did. Sorry (not sorry) if that upsets anyone 🙄

And you have to wonder why it bothers them so much?

TartanGirl1 · 27/07/2022 07:26

MsTSwift · 27/07/2022 05:52

There really does seem to be a subset of people who are very keen to see sahm brought down - revelling in tales of poverty stricken old age and abandoned wives. It seems to upset some that parents can take a pause in a long working life and take the time to raise young children then return to work. Win win. That’s what literally what I and every sahm I know did. Sorry (not sorry) if that upsets anyone 🙄

Except the facts would disagree with you, but let's all live in the myth that all mums go straight back into their careers with no problems and poverty is a scare story. And of course every working mum does so because they have no choice and is jealous.