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AIBU?

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Original poster

For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

655 replies

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 26/07/2022 20:56

I was, for some years.

Our finances were always joint, though, still are, and we’ve been married for a very long time.

Mamai90 · 26/07/2022 21:05

I do have a fall back. But even if I didn't I wholeheartedly trust my DH, he is a good person and even if I didn't have a back up it wouldn't matter, I'd still make the same choice. Time with my baby is more important to me than my career, a job is a job but I waited years to become a mother and I don't want to waste this precious time.

The negativity that SAHPs get on here is excessive. I've genuinely never come across it in my career nor has anyone ever questioned my choice to stay at home.

My mum was an accountant who took a career break between my sister and I. She went back to work when I was 6 months old and says she still feels guilty now even almost 40 years on. The thing is her choice to go back to work has left me in a position that I don't have to as her and my dad had well paid careers and made good investments.

I really don't see why people don't mind their own business, I couldn't give a shiny shite what other parents decide to do, their decisions don't impact my life in any way. I'm sure they have the mental capacity to weigh up the pros and cons and then make a decision.

MrsBwced · 26/07/2022 21:06

No I'm not.

I've literally not said anything about what other people do in regards to childcare.

I asked why pre school age and not after and said I didn't need total control.

Well you kinda are. Given the topic is about SAHM.
You know those other people, who stay at home to provide care for their children.
The ones you've posted repeatedly about.

Including the poster who said they'd tried a CM and decided it wasn't for them as they wanted more control.

As a parent and someone who has worked in a nursery it's quite alarming you don't recognise that a baby might have different needs to a school aged child.

Topgub · 26/07/2022 21:12

@MrsBwced

Oh behave.

Alarming my arse.

Its entirely reasonable to question why people stop caring about control and precious time they can't get back when the kid hits school age.

Its not about the child's development which obviously changes as they grow but why attitudes around parenting change so much

Kids need more time and input as they get older, ime, not less.

MrsBwced · 26/07/2022 21:47

Oh behave.
I am.

Alarming my arse.

Its entirely reasonable to question why people stop caring about control and precious time they can't get back when the kid hits school age.

Its not about the child's development which obviously changes as they grow but why attitudes around parenting change so much
I don't think it's that they stop caring or the time with their child is less precious! Although you must admit they change far more quickly when they're little.

It's the law that children have to have a full time education, reasonably easy for most people to provide at home for younger children but I imagine not many parents feel confident they could provide that at home for older children. If they want to get a place at school it's easier to get them in from the start.
I do think it can also be to do with development. As I said two of mine probably wouldn't have settled in a busy childcare setting but pretty much had grown out of that by the time they were due to start school. By that stage they were ready for friendships and peer to peer learning etc, things that I couldn't necessarily provide at home.

Kids need more time and input as they get older, ime, not less.
Totally agree with this. One of the benefits to me staying at home with my younger ones is that I had lots of time with my older ones.

Topgub · 26/07/2022 21:55

@MrsBwced

They don't care enough to try the he though.

HE doesn't mean no socialisation either as I'm sure any HE would tell you.

I'm also sure pp said they went back to work.

malika3 · 26/07/2022 22:07

Just flown halfway around the world and this thread is still going and still mad.

MrsBwced · 26/07/2022 22:08

They don't care enough to try the he though.
Are you seriously saying this?
You would be losing your shit if I said working parents don't care enough to even try to stay at home, which I never would because it would be goady, nasty bullshit.

HE doesn't mean no socialisation either as I'm sure any HE would tell you.
I didn't say it did.

I'm also sure pp said they went back to work.
Which is only a good thing isn't it?

Topgub · 26/07/2022 22:11

@MrsBwced

No more nasty and goady than the original comment and all the other similar comments.

Funny how you're ignoring them though eh.

Yes, it's a good thing. That wasn't the point I was making though

MrsBwced · 26/07/2022 22:15

No more nasty and goady than the original comment and all the other similar comments.
What comments?

Funny how you're ignoring them though eh.
Ignoring what?

Topgub · 26/07/2022 22:17

@MrsBwced

Funny.

MrsBwced · 26/07/2022 22:23

@Topgub
Genuinely don't know what you mean by the original comment and the other comments. Do you mean the OP by original comment?

Topgub · 26/07/2022 22:32

@MrsBwced

No I meant the comment that I originally replied to about needing control.

It could be taking as being goady, implying wm are happy to have no control or dont care.

Just like all the comments about not wanting to miss out or precious time or loving kids too much etc etc etc could be seen as nasty or goady.

But you'll just deny their existence or that they could be taken that way at all.

Or say they could only be taken that way if you were jealous or bitter or really wished you were a sahm.

BessieFinkNottle · 26/07/2022 23:09

No one ever says, oh, the mortgage is more than my wage but dh can pay for all bills on his own anyway

It makes absolutely no sense

I'm confused by this @Topgub.

If your job paid less than your mortgage, and if giving up work meant no more mortgage payments, I'm sure lots of people would give up work. That's the analogy we have with sahps and childcare here.

(And, yes, in the case of sahps, I do know it often doesn't make financial sense long term.)

Topgub · 26/07/2022 23:15

@BessieFinkNottle

Its the viewing it as the womans bill

MrsBwced · 26/07/2022 23:19

No I meant the comment that I originally replied to about needing control.

It could be taking as being goady, implying wm are happy to have no control or dont care.
It might, I suppose. It could also be taken that the pp was giving an account of their experience, they did say something along the lines of not that they were saying what they did was better so I think they should get the benefit of the doubt.
There was no ambiguity in your horrible comment.

Just like all the comments about not wanting to miss out or precious time or loving kids too much etc etc etc could be seen as nasty or goady.
On this thread or in general? I don't think it's necessarily nasty for a person to say they didn't want to miss out on time with their children, just as it's not necessarily nasty to post about why you think it's not a good idea to SAH and working is the better option. It's the tone and language used.
Your tone was shitty.

But you'll just deny their existence or that they could be taken that way at all.

Or say they could only be taken that way if you were jealous or bitter or really wished you were a sahm.
You don't half like putting words in peoples mouths don't you.
I don't deny people say nasty things, you certainly have.
A PP said she'd had criticism as a WOHM and I commented that it was unfair.
I've never said anyone was jealous of me or that they've wished they were a SAHM.
There are bitter comments from both 'sides' neither is ok.

Topgub · 26/07/2022 23:24

@MrsBwced

Lol I'm not denying it but inserts loads of denial

What I said wasn't nasty. Its laughable to try and make out it was.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/07/2022 23:40

No, never. My mum was a SAHM and for as long as I can remember, I knew that it wouldn't be something I'd do.

I enjoy my career, I enjoy my independence and I enjoy having my own money that I earned.

MrsBwced · 26/07/2022 23:45

@Topgub
Why are you trying to defend it so hard then?

Topgub · 26/07/2022 23:49

@MrsBwced

Defend what?

Saying if sahms really cared about time etc they'd HE?

I dont really get the question.

I'm not defending so hard. I just dont agree with you.

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 00:01

@Topgub
You basically agreed it was goady but said defended it because other people have apparently written goady comments too, As if that makes it ok.

Saying if sahms really cared about time etc they'd HE?
Yes that's the one. Posting it again doesn't make it any better.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 00:04

@MrsBwced

Why are you so upset by it? Out of interest?

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 00:09

Topgub · 27/07/2022 00:04

@MrsBwced

Why are you so upset by it? Out of interest?

Nice try but I'm not upset. Just posting on a thread, the same as you.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 00:11

@MrsBwced

Mmmmm.

Youve called a fairly innocuous comment nasty, shitty and goady.

Why do you think its nasty and shitty?

To me, its just logical

MrsBwced · 27/07/2022 00:21

@Topgub

The logic being what?