For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

[PeasOff]

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

My response isn't cryptic

Maybe not to you!

I dont feel a need to have complete control over my children's lives

They have extended family member, friends, teachers, friends parents, extra curricular activities.

All involved in 'bringing them up'

Surely this every day life for sociable people. Not really upbringing as such.

Yes I do one of the jobs above!
It worked well for us and no CC.

Currently it seems to be women adapting
Same old ...

@CecilyP

Its still upbringing even if its everyday life.

The pp said they wanted control so couldn't work.

I dont see the need for control or not to work.

🤷‍♀️

I took it to mean that the PP didn’t want to leave her baby or toddler full time with a childminder or in a nursery, not that she was planning to become a total recluse!

You haven't had to use paid childcare though so to that extent you've had the control the pp was talking about.

Yes. I depend almost entirely on him
He makes x 3/4 what I do: I work pt as look after the kids the rest of the time

@MrsBwced

Does control mean not use paid childcare?

I've always shared care. With dh. With family members. With school.

The pp didn't specify preschool only, which is why I asked how long she wanted complete control for.

We didn't purposefully avoid using paid childcare so we could have complete control. We just didn't need it.

They went to preschool nursery at 3.

@Topgub
Does control mean not use paid childcare?
No, but it's pretty obvious that in a childminder or nursery setting you have less say on how your child's day goes. Just like with school. It's not a bad thing but it's not wrong to want more input either.

I've always shared care. With dh. With family members. With school.

The pp didn't specify preschool only, which is why I asked how long she wanted complete control for.

PP said little ones...

We didn't purposefully avoid using paid childcare so we could have complete control. We just didn't need it.
I thought you said before that you planned to share childcare.

@MrsBwced

School age kids can still be little. P1 to p3 is called infants

But regardless what would you need/want more control just up to school age?

We did always plan to share childcare. Thats why didn't need paid childcare. But if we had, we'd have had no issue using it.

I guess many women are prepared to take the risk. I personally wouldn’t put myself in a vulnerable position of having no income, no pension or limited pension etc. Each to their own.

According to the Chartered Insitute of Insurers women are often not aware of the risks.
Very sobering link here.

www.brightnetwork.co.uk/employer-advice/chartered-insurance-institute/cii-report-womens-risk-life/

The women I work with either never expected to divorce or just didnt think about their own pensions.

But regardless what would you need/want more control just up to school age?
I suppose there's lots of reasons.
My Sister and her DH changed their working hours and pulled DN1 out of nursery because the nursery wanted him to drop his nap and not have a dummy.
I'm pretty confident one probably two of my DC would have hated nursery. They didn't enjoy being around lots of other children or lots of noise etc, hated toddler groups and school nursery at three.
By 4/5 they were really different and both settled at school really well. Children do grow up so what they might need at 2 isn't what they need for the rest or their lives!

We did always plan to share childcare. Thats why didn't need paid childcare. But if we had, we'd have had no issue using it.
If you didn't have to use it how do you know there'd have been no issues?
It's a bit off to be questioning others who tried it and decided it wasn't for them when you've had no experience of it.

@MrsBwced

I worked in nurseries. I do have experience of them.

It read to me like pp had decided she needed that control without even using childcare. It wasn't a reaction to a problem in childcare

A few posters mentioned well paid jobs that women can walk back into even after a break of more than a few years.

Can someone elaborate because they would be good jobs for dds to go into.

I am a SAHM. realistically extremely vulnerable position financially. However childcare would outstrip my wage by hundreds a month. I cannot afford to return to work whilst my children are young. My earning capability is 1300 possibly 1400 a month childcare would be over 2000. Its quite simple math for some SAHMs. I volunteer for a charity, I volunteer in the community and I volunteer in the PTFA, and I attend college to keep skills up to date. I am financially dependent on my husband who will die a significant amount of time before me if I don't get a terminal illness. But life is life got to do what we got to do.

For many people (myself included) the ‘wages would be less than childcare issue’ could be negated if people waited slightly more than the socially acceptable norm of 2-3 years between children. There are pros to having 2 close together (especially if there is advanced maternal age) but there are also pros to having a bigger gap. These aren’t widely talked about, having 2 close together is presented as aspirational.

Nursery is very expensive, that’s a widely known fact but for most (not all, there will always be exceptions) childcare costs go down substantially once DC1 is in full time school aged 4. I have a 5 year gap for this reason and I am an absolute outlier among my peers.

@SglodionPysgod

Or if they stopped viewing it as a cost against the woman's wage.

Or as an unnecessary expense.

No one ever says, oh, the mortgage is more than my wage but dh can pay for all bills on his own anyway

It makes absolutely no sense

@Topgub
I worked in nurseries. I do have experience of them.
Not of using them for your own child though.

It read to me like pp had decided she needed that control without even using childcare. It wasn't a reaction to a problem in childcare
Perhaps we're thinking of a different poster. I thought you were replying to the one who wrote
I planned to return to work, had some practice runs with a childminder, and realised I simply didn't want to do it...
Either way I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting some degree of control over your child's upbringing.

@MrsBwced

Aww, c'mon!

Using a nursery or childminder doesn't mean you don't even have a degree of control over your children's upbringing

Ffs

Considering stats show how many people struggle to get back into the workplace after a career break it is quite impressive!

"So many men are arses" - some women are too, surely?!!!! It is NOT always the man's fault that a marriage breaks down.....my God!!!!!!

@edel2 I think PP raises a fair point. A lot more men run off with (younger) women. A lot more men financially abuse their partners, try to control their partner and abuse their partners in general.

You only have to read a few threads on here to illustrate how many men do whatever it takes to get out of paying or pay minimal child maintenance. You only have to read a few threads to find a couple of men who let their wives have no access to family finances. Of course it’s Mumsnet so the data is going to be skewed but it’s scary how often these topics come up.

Some women are arses yes, but we can’t compete with men in that respect!

I don’t hate men, I am married to one whom I believe to be honest and kind. I still appreciate that I need a back up plan though.

Your the one arguing with people who want more control over their own children's care.

@MrsBwced

No I'm not.

I've literally not said anything about what other people do in regards to childcare.

I asked why pre school age and not after and said I didn't need total control.