For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

[PeasOff]

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

So you work both work opposite shifts, days and nights that type of thing?

I don't think this translates as not wanting their partners help, no, at least not as a rule
That says it all. HELP. So mum is responsible, and dad should help whichever way mum demands.

Absolutely not! You have very much quoted me out of context @vivainsomnia, which isn't fair. I was talking about shared childcare and replying to a pp who had said that sahms didn't want their partner's help. My point was that lots of sahms would be delighted to share childcare if society was better at facilitating it. Inceased paternity leave and more flexible work options etc would help.

Thank you @PeasOff @TartanGirl1

I’ve been both a full time working Mom and a SAHM.

When I was a SAHM people did used to give me advice about my pension, keeping up
My professional skills (I’m in IT) and making sure I had my own money. It was a bit patronising but came from experience and a good place. I could take it with a pinch of salt.

To be honest, it turned out to be good advice as my DH ended up having a breakdown and now I work FT and am the breadwinner.

As a full time working Mom people frequently tell me I won’t get the time back, they could never give their child to someone else, I’m not a full time parent, ask me why I had children if I wasn’t going to look after them etc… If you say any of those things then you are implying that you love your children more than I do, that your children are happier than mine, that your parenting is superior to mine. I can’t take that with a pinch of salt.

I had someone say to me they don't understand why people have children just to pay someone else to look after them. They both worked because the grandparents did the childcare.

I rolled my eyes so hard I thought I might of done myself an injury 😂

@Chocohlate

exactly

What is the worst thing that has been said on this thread about sahms? That they are all absolutely up in arms about? Enabling inequality. An inequality most of them have said they dont even care about.

Whats the worst thing said about wm? That they're bad mothers. How could they leave their kids? It's horrific. Don't they want to treasure those precious years and prioritise their kids?

But only mums.

Never dads. Dad's of kids with a sahm are always completely 100% involved, respectful and equal. They're to be celebrated!

@Chocohlate
Its unfortunate you have received criticism at both ends of the spectrum. I've never had anything negative said in real life. Loads of criticism on here though.

@Topgub why are you speaking for all SAHM again.

@MrsBwced To be honest, I didn’t perceive someone asking me if I’d thought about keeping up to date with CPD in case I wanted to return to work or asking me if I had considered my pension contributions to be criticism. Even a friend who told me to squirrel something away in case my marriage broke down was coming from a kind place as that had happened to her. I did wonder if she was trying to say something about my marriage, and I think that’s were a lot of the defensiveness comes from.

Someone telling me I would never get these years back (a few weeks after I returned FT to pay the bills because my DH had had a breakdown), people asking me how I could leave my baby with a childminder she didn’t know, people asking me why I had children if I wasn’t going to look after them myself, people who put ‘full time Mummy’ as their occupation on Facebook. I find those things far more offensive and upsetting as a working parent than any of the advice I got as a SAHM.

@MrsBwced

It was clearly tongue in cheek.

@Topgub
Sorry, it clearly didn't didn't come across that way given the tone of the rest of the post.

Each to their own and all that but I really get anxious when women are in this position. Things can change very very quickly. Nothing in life is a certainty other than taxes and train cancellations. 'Love' is really not enough to gamble you're entire future on. The amount of 50+ women who have found themselves starting again having raised a family following divorce is no joke. Of course some lessons can only be learned the hard way but I'd never stake my future on depending on a man.

Different things suit different families but I do think there are a proportion of women who fall into being a sahm not necessarily through choice but due to childcare costs who are then left vulnerable. That is a very different set up to a wealthy couple who have decided the additional income from a second couple working isn’t worth the hassle.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been tempted to become a sahm as the juggle for both of our roles is a bit too stressful. The reason I haven’t is the risk of having a single earner and the stress that would give my husband. I’m also keen to continue my pension. Me working also makes private school viable.

I was a sahm for 10 years. Prior to having ds I loved my job, but it was long hours and involved lots of travel and I didn’t want to do that when my dc were small. They did allow me to go back part time which I tried for 6 months, but even then I was away far more than I wanted to be and in all honesty I’d fallen out of love with it. So I gave up work, had another baby and when my youngest was settled in school I retrained and began an entirely new career.

All of these choices were made with full awareness of what I was doing. My dm was concerned but I was married, my name was on our home and dh was very supportive and understood, perhaps more than I did in the early days, that my contribution was valid. This meant that I was able to support him as required and allow him to concentrate fully entirely on work. I picked up nearly everything else including our finances as I’m much better at that side of things.

Many years on I now have a job that I really love, most importantly is flexible and fits around my family for now while they still need me, and I earn relatively well. My salary is not a patch on what dh earns though. He often says that he’s grateful to me for giving up work as he wouldn’t have been able to progress as far as he has in his career if I hadn’t been around as much. It really didn’t feel like much of a sacrifice as I loved every minute of being with my kids and his job allowed me to do that. Plus in all honesty if we were to divorce today I would come out of it far better than if I’d continued to work.

Every situation is different and while I do think that some women leave themselves vulnerable, many of us are quite aware of the implications of our choices and know what we are doing. It’s not for everyone but I wouldn’t change a minute of the time I spent with my dc. It worked for us as a family and I absolutely loved taking care of them all. I also love my job now and my career hasn’t suffered at all. I’ve always been ambitious but now I have the time to put my everything into it, whereas I would have been treading water when the kids were small. My colleagues often comment on the hours that I work but I do it because it’s my passion and I have the time to devote to it, which wouldn’t have been the case even 5 years ago.

I’m a bit of a perfectionist and I hate feeling like I’m not giving something my all and that’s how I felt when I returned to work after having ds. I don’t feel like that now which tells me I’ve made the right choices for me. Other people may be horrified by what I did but that’s fine, because we’re all different and all have our own unique circumstances to consider.

I work fulltime which is very unusual where I live, most mothers here work 3 days at most.

My mother was a SAHM with a big family. Didn't stop my father from leaving her and us kids. We went from a big detached house to a council house with my grandparents having to buy us food. It took my mother 10 years to get a permanent position as a teacher. It took her 15 years to get out of that council house in a very modest home that she owns.

I don't give a stuff about criticism, I will not end up like my mother.

I have an entry level job right now. If the worst case scenario occurred in the future after I've had a few years off work I'd get another entry level job. I also have a very big and supportive (not financially but practically) family which I know many don't so I don't feel particularly vulnerable or dependent (even though I literally am)

Also as we are soon to be on a single income, that single income from my husband is not particularly high. We are both accustomed to living frugally so it's not like I'd go from Waitrose and trips to Tuscany in a massive house to beans and tinned soup overnight. My quality of living (other than the stress of having to work while raising kids) wouldn't change very much. I'm also not financially uneducated and have my own savings and accounts, I don't know whether most other SAHMs have these. Very few people get married straight out of school these days so I'd assume they'd have a bit of nous about them in independent living.

Agree. It’s a choice to be a SAHM. Don’t understand these delusions of grandeur that somehow women are facilitating a man’s career. He would be just fine without the facilitator. As women find to their peril when the husband divorces the facilitator and goes on to do just fine.

If you say any of those things then you are implying that you love your children more than I do, that your children are happier than mine, that your parenting is superior to mine. I can’t take that with a pinch of salt.

Well I'm certainly not. We're all different personalities and are drawn to different kinds of jobs that fit them. And motherhood had different effects on us.

I planned to return to work, had some practice runs with a childminder, and realised I simply didn't want to do it. I'm a teacher and part of why I did that job was reflected in my parenting. I wanted to bring my child up. I had strong opinions about parenting and didn't feel comfortable not having the control over how she was treated. And I loved being home and watching her, and then her sister, develop. But that's not surprising because I'm a teacher. Doesn't make me better, just needn't my personality and interests were suited to being a SAHM to little ones.
My closest friend intended being a SAHM, but within a few months, knew she hated it and wanted to be back at work. And she was a much better parent for being at work then she would have been as a bored and frustrated SAHM.

I was in my element as a mum to small children, she was bored rigid. She was much better mum to teenagers than I was though.

To an extent I agree, but some SAHMs have no choice due to childcare costs, unplanned pregnancies, redundancy, multiple births, relationship breakdown, crap partners, the children’s health or developmental needs etc etc.

So it’s fair enough to warn someone if they’re asking for advice but maybe a bit off to do this widely cast “SAHMs, they being stupid huh?” thing.

Having kids at all is a risk.

It's unfortunate we live in a society that is obsessed with productivity and the finaincialization of every part of human life, and one that thinks the solution to the financial vulnerabilities involved in becoming a mother is to commoditize childcare and push everyone into the workforce.

Personally I think there is an element of I gave everything up so it has to be better and extreme defensiveness.
Better for whom?
Usually the men involved !

I agree with everything you have written,@saraclara adored being with my young DC but so did DH and thats why we shared CC and WOH.
To me it was the perfect balance.

I see changes though.
Very few of the young couples I know put their DC into FT CC.
WFH, compressed hours etc.
The fathers want to spend time with their DC.

All the avoid stress, I will SAH is pulling fathers away from children.
Why is that not commented on?

I'm a SAHM. I used to be a secretary and am doing online courses to keep up/ better myself. I'm married. We bought the house together, partly with the profits of our old single flats. I plan to go back to work when dd starts school.

If something happens I get enough equity to only need a small mortgage for a decent flat. I live in a country where CMS is considerable and forced. I can easily get work again. It might be a hassle for a while, mostly to get child care in place, but I will manage.

both of these! I agree times are slowly slowly changing and I actually think we will swing back the other way and start seeing more & more SAHM’s and SAHD’s. Not quite yet but perhaps in the next 20 years.

Not sure with costs rising we would see more SAHP?
Or do you mean WOHP sharing care?

@Snoredoeurve what is WOHP? I think there will be more shared care from both parents - this is happening already and has been for some time and I predict will increase- but I predict a reduction in the quality of childcare long term (especially if the tories stay in government) and I think there will be a consumer backlash to that in the next 20-30 years. I think that in the last 50 years we’ve swung from housewife/mum at home, to mum at work and I think it will swing back. I agree many won’t be able to afford it and I think that will stop some people (perhaps many) from having children at all and the birth rate will continue to drop in the west- that’s already happening imo. x