For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

[PeasOff]

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

I would a million times have preferred and chosen six precious years at home with my babies /young children than the job of a ceo or to be slightly richer than we are now and to have a nicer car. My earnings perfectly respectable post children. Sorry if that doesn’t suit some randoms feminist agenda but there you have it!

I wanted to raise our children luckily he was vocal that he would love me to aswell . He has his own very successful business and recently he made me a 50% share holder without me asking / mentioning it. I don't worry about suffering financially if we were to split but tbh I know things can happen/ change but I worry even less about us splitting up we have a very happy marriage and beeen through a really tough time and come out the other side stronger x

I've always worked and now am the highest earner in the marriage with a better pension. A friend was a stay at home mum. Her husband was a very high earner but he left and her choices are now much more limited than mine. The thing is she doesn't look back and think it was all worth it for the kids because I had a more flexible job so was able to prioritise them too.

@BessieFinkNottle

It wasn't luck.

You have said you believe that sahms don't even want their partners to share in childcare! I am curious why you think this?

Have you read the thread? Or any thread on working/not working/mat leave /pat leave on any forum?

I think that because women say it. Repeatedly. Its been said multiple times on this thread alone. And even when it's not explicitly said, there's always an excuse.

Please understand that many people are making the best choice they can for their family, constrained by the choices that are actually available to them.

I dont dispute that. Best is subjective.

Our unequal society is not the fault of individuals. However, if we really want change then individuals have to make different choices.

My DH is Danish and he was amazed by how few Dad’s he saw at baby/toddler activities and even now kids are in school the playground is mainly comprised of Mums and Grandmas, at evening activities it’s the Mums sat watching.

We are 50-50 and it works brilliantly. We both went down to 4 days per week in our professional jobs. I know that wouldn’t work for everyone but I honestly think that’s because we don’t want it to work. If we did then we’d make some effort, campaign businesses, take more advantage of shared mat/pat leave etc…

I’m a SAHM/student. I use to work up until 2 years ago. I’m not any more vulnerable than when I was working ! If my husband left me , regardless if I was working or not, it would leave us both vulnerable. It’s not like he walks away with the house and all the money 😆! It’s not his money , it’s our money and it’s in joint bank accounts. There was also a time when my husband decided to do his masters and I was the one working .

I love working though and won’t be a SAHM forever . It’s a short period overall and it’s what works for us as a family .

Yes but that wouldn't give the people with clearly lucrative jobs and supportive partners the chance to slam other women with different situations. They just love the chance to say how special they are, imply how lazy SAHMs are and feel so sorry for the poor little men who have to do all that work (and do absolutely nothing else and live their best life doing their fucking hobby).

Most sensible couples manage to work this out between them! Every former sahm I know myself included is back at work in many cases with little impact on career progression. If you’re good employers want you. My friend who had senior job then was pta / governor powerhouse for 5 years was headhunted by a dad at school. Went to work with his company ceo realised how impressive she was and she quietly became his right hand woman. Whizzed up the ladder.

There is an assumption on mumsnet that every job leads to promotion after promotion. Many have a natural ceiling. Many minimum wage jobs have nowhere to go.
I choose to work the absolute minimum hours I can get away with to keep my profession going but that’s it. It’s a physical clinical role. Should I be forced to work hours due to marriage break down more in the future at least my body won’t be broken and burnt out.

There is an assumption on mumsnet that every job leads to promotion after promotion. Many have a natural ceiling. Many minimum wage jobs have nowhere to go.
There's also an assumption that every job can and will be flexible to allow both parents to share childcare equally.

I don't get the aggressive tone of some of these posts though - fake concern? jealousy? Never can quite figure out why some working parents sound so resentful on SAHM threads.
I was a SAHM for 14 years, I now work and we put all my salary into my pension, so I'll have a tidy sum in there when it comes to retiring. Never considered the possibility of divorce, lucky maybe but we are perfectly happy 23 years on.
Don't think my dcs will have kids, they don't like them very much. I would encourage them to work at least part-time if they did. I'd even consider giving up work and looking after their kids so they could work - might feel differently in a few years though!😂

Our unequal society is not the fault of individuals. However, if we really want change then individuals have to make different choices.

So you're saying that women who want to stay home and being up their own babies and pre-school children should make a different choice for the sake of...who exactly?

I'm sorry, but that's insane. What are you going to say next? That women shouldn't become nursery workers or nurses because that underlines women being seen as carers? That someone who wants to be a midwife should become a mechanic instead, in the interests of feminism?

We're all different. Some women enjoy being home with their toddlers, some are bored rigid by it. Any decision that parents make about their lifestyle is their own, and how it affects equality and feminism (if indeed it does) should be right at the bottom of their considerations.

You say that individuals are not to blame for inequality, but then make it their responsibility anyway. That makes no sense.

I saved up my money so I could afford to be a sahm for 4 years. Now I am back at work as I need to save more money.

My DH is very supportive and we have a great marriage, but you never know how life can change so I think it is important to have your own money coming in.

@saraclara

No.

I'm saying if we want change then we need to change.

By doing things differently. By using the pat leave provision. By voting for govt that will introduce more subsidised childcare and will enforce more flexible working practices.

By making men do their share.

If you dont want change then thats fine. You do you hun.

how it affects equality and feminism (if indeed it does) should be right at the bottom of their considerations.

Yip. Which is why we have and always will have a sexist society.

Its not a world I want my kids growing up in, being told that men are literally worth more but if its at the bottom of your list then what can you do?

Except Topgub, that nobody is saying men are 'worth more.' Seriously, are you 6? This is YOUR internalised misogyny speaking. You can only conceive of 'value' as in 'going to work.'

The patriarchy and capitalism has done a teal number one you. Stop defining yourself and all women in men's terms. Let women define their own terms. Why are you so terrified of anything considered traditionally female? I saw you the other day trying to deny women have different hormones to men. It's a joke! Women are different to men and MAY want different things. Rather than trying to deny that, own it. It's ok.

I'm all for good quality childcare etc etc for those who want to use it. But when, as is the case on here, it goes so far as women bring made to feel guilty for looking after their own children.,, no. That is just replacing one type of misogyny with another. It's not feminism. It will never work.

Oh great. Another sahm bashing thread!

Now Topgub will say ... "Are you saying working mums don't look after their own children..."

And do it goes on.,,

Also. When Topgub doesn't know how to respond, she will just resort to calling the poster "hun." Every single time.

By using the pat leave provision. By voting for govt that will introduce more subsidised childcare and will enforce more flexible working practices.

By making men do their share

All of these can be done by families with a SAHP. It's not the responsibility of SAHM to fix society.
Most people do what they can within the realms of what works for themselves and their families. I imagine that includes you.

I applaud you for saving in advance of procreation. So few people seem to actually plan and prepare for parenthood. Well done !

@malika3

You seem really invested in my opinion. Well, I should say in your made up version of my opinion because I've not said and don't think half the things you've decided I do.

Not sure why.

People/society literally are saying men are worth more. We pay them more, we encourage them to choose better paid jobs and allow them to duck out of domestic responsibility.

Its not my values that do this. Its the unequal society. I didnt enforce them. I made my dh take equal responsibility for childcare. Because contrary to your opinion I'm not terrified of traditionally female, I just think it's better if we acknowledge all jobs as being everyone's responsibility. Not to limit people by sex.

No one is making sahm feel guilty. I notice you're ignoring the derogatory comments about working parents though.

Also not sure what you think it is I havent answered but its not me responding again and again with personal remarks because you don't like my opinion.

I read a brilliant comment on here once that stayed with me “god I want to break the glass ceiling but I do not want to use my own and my childrens heads as battering rams”. So I should have stayed in my ultra demanding fiercely long hours job where I was miserable and would have and rarely seen my babies (colleagues had day nannies and night nannies) to further the cause? Sorry but fuck off.

I never planned to be a sahm.

I couldn't have coped with a full time job and DS and the last few years. DH would not have been able to volunteer for various things he has done nor progress his career.

DS has benefited from it in ways that can't be bought. Financially Im more vulnerable, but I think if I'd have been earning, i am not convinced we'd been better off. I think at this point with child care cost we'd at least be looking at catch up tuition and probably private school. He has more opportunities because DH has been able to do certain things outside work whilst I take the strain in other ways.

I think if Id been working, the strain on our marriage might have broken us during covid. That would have made me more financially vulnerable.

I think the thing is, that some of these assumptions that you would be more financially secure, ignore the hidden costs, both financial and emotional of working and neglect that you might get financial and emotional benefit from it.

There isn't a black and white set out come for either path. Both are a gamble in different ways.

I made my dh take equal responsibility for childcare.
In what way did you make him?

@Mollie5 I did the same - infertility and thinking we wouldn't have children helped with saving!