Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

Not in my opinion but we seem to have a mixed bag of opinions here. As I said, sometimes a gentle word from a stranger stuns children into silence, it was worth a shot. She was quiet and polite about it. OP sounds gobby and rude to me. If I was there I'd had rolled my eyes in sympathy at the mum with the baby.

Some of these responses are what I would consider ‘bat shit crazy’.

Of course you can ask a 3 year old to stop crying. You just, I dunno, take the phone and tell him shhhhh you can have it back in a minute. I’m sure everyone else in the carriage just adores hearing a child cry and the parent with them making no effort to placate them (and yes I’m fully aware the child will likely not respond the way we want - but it’s that subtle acknowledgment to everyone else that yes, it’s loud and annoying but you’re trying your best).

@OnlyFoolsnMothers disagree with your post. I’ve told people (or asked them nicely) to put their headphones in when watching a film or listening to music.

Really surprised anyone thinks that going up to a mother whose child is crying, and pointing out the crying is disturbing her sleeping baby is doing anything other than making the situation additionally stressful for the mother of the crying child. She has no right to expect other children not to cry because of her baby’s nap and it was very rude to approach OP like that.

YANBU, ignore all the sheep on here, if she had have said it to one of their children, they'd have been up in arms, waving the sword.

couldn’t agree more.

I doubt most of this lot have kids though, they are straight out of daily mail comments.

You did nothing wrong OP. You tried to distract your child so I don't understand why you are getting so much stick.

@UWhatNow what an appropriate user name. It sums up the nonsense you’ve just posted nicely.

This thread is divided into two camps:
• You can tell your 3 year old to stop crying and should’ve made an attempt to pacify him on a train.
• There is nothing you can do with a mardy 3 year old you just have to let them do what they want.
The fact that parents exist who think the first, and attempt to parent for the greater good means that people who believe the second are wrong.

No it's not.

No idea what pp's kids are all like but my ds's tantrums are 1000x worse if I "try to stop them ". However if I ignore it, it's over within a minute or 2. I would have told her to piss off too.

This website is nuts. Calling a tired 3 year old a brat for crying. Honestly I must be an absolutely terrible mum going by the judgement on here . The person who said perhaps the baby's mum is at the end of her tether. Well perhaps OP is also at the end of her tether? I am going through a really difficult time at the moment with my 5 year old and someone making a comment like this to me would make me not want to leave the house again . No one knows what another person is going through. Yes screaming children are annoying but the lady with the baby could have walked away instead of making an already stressful situation worse.

YABU. The issue isn't a crying toddler, it's your lack of doing anything about it and your rude response when someone else stepped in to do your job that makes you unreasonable.

You have to be consistent though. It won't work otherwise and just sends a message to the child that mum doesn't mean it and if a child thinks mums a pushover in public then they'll just act up more and more because they know you'll give in.

If you stay consistent, wherever you are, it doesn't take long for the child to learn. Far better to have a few embarrassing tantrums in public whilst mum's saying "no" and staying consistent until said dc learn it doesn't work, then constant tantrums in public until mum gives in because they know she will.

Kids tantrum in public and its annoying for those around them, but there's a difference in a child tantruming whilst mum ignores it and then gives in to shut them up, to child tantruming but the parent is doing their best to deal with it.

Actually if you read the posts, posters were grateful when strangers managed to get their children to be quiet.

Exactly this.

You must have had amazing sleepers and zero empathy if you think your child shouldn’t at least be asked to stop crying to avoid waking a sleeping baby.

It sounds even from your story that she was polite and appropriate, and you were rude and defensive.

YABU. The issue isn't a crying toddler, it's your lack of doing anything about it and your rude response when someone else stepped in to do your job that makes you unreasonable.

.....Whilst she tried to find train connections on her phone😁

Actually if you read the posts, posters were grateful when strangers managed to get their children to be quiet.

When it worked!

Actually if you read the posts, posters were grateful when strangers managed to get their children to be quiet.

I’m sure the daily mail sheep on here would be.

as a parent when I had children that age I was really grateful when people were understanding and patient. In real life most are thankfully.

I would never ever approach a parent of a crying child and ask them to shut the child up, but your response wasn't good. "I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying" - well you should, shouldn't you? No, it might not be effective but in a public setting you should at least make it seem like you understand your child is disturbing others and make some sort of attempt to get them to stop.

And it often does so is worth a try.

Eurghhh. Stop it. What do you think OP did just sat there flicking through OK mag?

The mother was probably first time .. and thought she knew all until her child does the same thing.

Its totally out of line for a stranger to broach OP child like this on a train your on public transport you see all sorts. I wouldn't of got myself involved. I think you did great OP we have all been there and you just want to get home!

You must have had amazing sleepers and zero empathy if you think your child shouldn’t at least be asked to stop crying to avoid waking a sleeping baby.

The baby is on a public train. I'd put money on a whole host of other things and people making a noise apart from the 3yr old. Including other toddlers. The mum is going to be kept busy shushing people.

But the toddler - who already wouldn't have been silent but would have been making a reasonable level of noise - was sat right near to the baby and starting making much more noise, which would have been quite distressing.

That's not the same as some people having a chat further down the carriage, for example.

It's such a shame that you reacted like this, maybe she thought the child would listen to someone else - children often behave differently for others than the parents.

Nobody wants to listen to a crying child but everyone can sympathise with a parent trying to sort out a situation, even if it's not working out.

I approached a woman recently who's toddler was having a tantrum and asked if she needed help, ended up giving her a cuddle as she was at her wits end trying to stop the tantrum. If the woman had been hostile I would have backpay quickly - she may have construed my offer as criticism initially.

Your kid throws a tantrum when you try to take YOUR phone back for a minute?

No-one who has ever had a toddler prone to the occasional tantrum could possibly say that with a straight face. How was OP supposed to "subdue" the tantrum short of smothering her child?