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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum on the train

533 replies

MumTrain · 24/07/2022 09:14

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

OP posts:
Original poster
MumTrain · 24/07/2022 12:23

I’m amazed at some of the responses here tbh. Some people obviously have taken from one thread that my DS is in front of a screen all the time, that I always give in, that I just let him cry etc., that I am gobby which is absolutely not the case.

I should have been more clear in my OP about my response to her, I wasn’t rude, I just said I wouldn’t ask him to be quiet but I was trying to calm him down while I checked the train times. Asking to be quiet doesn’t work for us obviously! We were about to get off the train so this didn’t go on for ages.

I got the impression she was a precious first time mum. Of course the world doesn’t revolve around me and DS, but I was doing my best after a long morning out.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumTrain · 24/07/2022 12:23

SarahSissions · 24/07/2022 12:21

Your kid throws a tantrum when you try to take YOUR phone back for a minute?

He’s 3 ffs.

OP posts:
Quia · 24/07/2022 12:24

girlmom21 · 24/07/2022 12:18

But the toddler - who already wouldn't have been silent but would have been making a reasonable level of noise - was sat right near to the baby and starting making much more noise, which would have been quite distressing.

That's not the same as some people having a chat further down the carriage, for example.

Show quote history

Some massive assumptions there. How about a group of teenagers messing around in the next row of seats? How about someone on the other side having a loud phone conversation? How about someone getting on at the next stop (where OP was about to get out) who was pissed and singing? All just as likely scenarios as yours.

Rosewaterblossom · 24/07/2022 12:27

MumTrain · 24/07/2022 12:23

He’s 3 ffs.

Show quote history

And?

Original poster
MumTrain · 24/07/2022 12:27

MissMaple82 · 24/07/2022 11:19

So why are you asking if you were unreasonable then if you think it's bonkers?

Show quote history

Have you missed the point of an Internet forum?

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 24/07/2022 12:31

[she] came to the aisle, bent down beside us and leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up
Really? That's one really serious case of self importance you have there.
'Hand that rocks the cradle' mentality as l call it. I assure you lots of fellow passengers will have had thoughts on your child's tantrum and your dealing (or not dealing) with it.... I somehow doubt offering your toddler a sweet or a toy was high on the list.

Palg68 · 24/07/2022 12:31

@Quia you would leave a pissed person to it and mind your own business in case you got a good wallop. How can you compare a toddler to a grown adult? This thread is madness your rights don't trump others on public transport unfortunately.

I would hide the thread OP.

hesttreat · 24/07/2022 12:33

@Rosewaterblossom and 3 year olds can be really unreasonable like that?

girlmom21 · 24/07/2022 12:33

@Quia but none of those situations existed at that time

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2022 12:34

*But the toddler - who already wouldn't have been silent but would have been making a reasonable level of noise - was sat right near to the baby and starting making much more noise, which would have been quite distressing.

That's not the same as some people having a chat further down the carriage, for example.*

And if it had been my baby I'd have moved. 🤷‍♀️

ihavenocats · 24/07/2022 12:35

Ontomatopea · 24/07/2022 09:18

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train. you said this? That's nasty!!

Any way was there a quiet carriage? She could have gone there otherwise no its a free for all with noise

No, it's not. In a public place you behave accordingly and model and teach your children to do the same. that's parenting.

girlmom21 · 24/07/2022 12:35

I should have been more clear in my OP about my response to her, I wasn’t rude, I just said I wouldn’t ask him to be quiet but I was trying to calm him down while I checked the train times. Asking to be quiet doesn’t work for us obviously! We were about to get off the train so this didn’t go on for ages.

Why didn't you say "don't worry we're getting off in a minute" then? There were a million of non-aggressive solutions.

Antarcticant · 24/07/2022 12:35

As we leave behind such old-fashioned notions of considering others before ourselves, we are going to see more and more of these public clashes, where entitlement meets entitlement.

I shall be metaphorically grabbing popcorn and watching the show unfold.

theworldhas · 24/07/2022 12:36

I would probably have just said “sorry he’s tired, it’s been a long day” and left it at that. Bit of a mountain and mole hill situation.

girlmom21 · 24/07/2022 12:36

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2022 12:34

*But the toddler - who already wouldn't have been silent but would have been making a reasonable level of noise - was sat right near to the baby and starting making much more noise, which would have been quite distressing.

That's not the same as some people having a chat further down the carriage, for example.*

And if it had been my baby I'd have moved. 🤷‍♀️

And you'd have half the posters here complaining that they felt judged because people moved away when their toddler threw a strop.

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2022 12:37

And you'd have half the posters here complaining that they felt judged because people moved away when their toddler threw a strop.

Really?

hesttreat · 24/07/2022 12:38

SarahSissions · 24/07/2022 12:21

Your kid throws a tantrum when you try to take YOUR phone back for a minute?

I suppose your 3 year old would never do that?

theworldhas · 24/07/2022 12:38

in this situation the woman was a bit intolerant but you’re a bit easily offended.

girlmom21 · 24/07/2022 12:38

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2022 12:37

And you'd have half the posters here complaining that they felt judged because people moved away when their toddler threw a strop.

Really?

Yeah absolutely - I'm guessing you haven't been here long.

People feel offended whenever somebody doesn't want to be right by their little darling.

There was a thread last week about children being rude because they didn't want to talk to the OP's child when they were sat at a table in a cafe.

vivainsomnia · 24/07/2022 12:40

When my boy had such a tantrum (DD never did), I certainly dealt with it. Most of the time it worked, sometimes it didn't, but at least I showed I was trying.

It would happen that -usually- an older person would come and make a comment and my instant reaction was to tell him 'see, that man is telling you that you are disturbing everyone, he doesn't want to hear your scream anymore than me'. That certainly did it and I would thank the person.

It would never ever have occured to tell them off. That was standard then. Things have certainly changed with people self entitlement that disturbing everyone else is their right.

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2022 12:41

No, it's not. In a public place you behave accordingly and model and teach your children to do the same. that's parenting.

So is getting your child home via train connections and managing stops with them in tow.

And so is managing your baby's sleep on busy train. Which is different to home.

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2022 12:43

*Yeah absolutely - I'm guessing you haven't been here long.

People feel offended whenever somebody doesn't want to be right by their little darling.

There was a thread last week about children being rude because they didn't want to talk to the OP's child when they were sat at a table in a cafe.*

Whatevs. Don't care about randoms on another thread.

You're saying it's not sensible just to move a sleeping baby from a source of noise on a train?😁

NellesVilla · 24/07/2022 12:44

OP, your kid was being a brat. She asked you to keep the noise down and she’s in the wrong?!

girlmom21 · 24/07/2022 12:46

@sunglassesonthetable you literally said 'really' when I told you what people are like so I can you an example. Your response is pretty pathetic.

I didn't say it's not sensible to move the baby but I don't think she should have to.

sunglassesonthetable · 24/07/2022 12:50

I didn't say it's not sensible to move the baby but I don't think she should have to.

No don't think my answer is pathetic.

But what other people on other threads might say seems irrelevant to me.

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