Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

I've seen children stop crying instantly when a stranger speaks to them, I've also seen mothers be grateful to the stranger and engage in a chat.

Usually in supermarket queues.

I agree

if only I had known all I needed to do was ask ds to stop

She was probably over tired and grumpy when out in public it’s noisy at times

I once had a random man nicely ask DS to stop crying on a train - he shut up immediately, I was so grateful!

Agree that this does randomly work sometimes! Wonderful when it does.

But when it doesn't something needs to be said
"ooops, just trying to help" Big Smile.

Otherwise you come over like a dick like this woman.

People who think they're the centre of the universe and having a child makes them special.

What like the woman with the sleeping child???😁

The more of these absurd responses I read the more I sympathise with the OP. The “higher autism” remark is my winner so far.

look OP, someone walking up to a strange toddler crying for a minute before getting off a train leaving her own baby alone in the process and attempting to discipline them is clearly not ok and is trying to control the wrong things in her life.

of course it’s not”polite” to start an unexpected confrontation with a stranger’s child in front of witnesses. It’s a sign of stress and fear of own baby waking up and naivety/inexperience with children.

consequently she alone is liable if she doesn’t like your response. Next time consider silence as the right words never come when we get hijacked by these aggressors using their oh-so-polite words.

alternatively, “do you think you could go away and stop harassing my child or I shall call the guard” would have been fun :)

I cannot imagine for one second that someone got up from their seat and came and talked to you because your ds was 'crying' for just 1 minute.
So I think that perhaps he was crying for a it longer than that, or was he screaming crying? You mentioned tantrum earlier.
And you decided you cannot ask a 3 year old to stop crying?
Sorry, but why not?
A simple, 'if you don;t stop that you won't be getting the phone back' would have done it. Its called parenting your child. At least it would work with a child who has been shown that sort of behaviour doesn't get them what they want.

But then you gave him back the phone, and he stopped crying. So basically rewarded him for having a strop. You do realise that it will only get worse? Every time you do something or ask him to do something he doesn't like he'll just kick off because he knows there are zero consequences and he'll just get what he wants.
You can totally tell a 3 year old to stop crying. It sounds to me like you simply couldn't be bothered because its not worked for you in the past, and its pretty obvious why.

YABU - she was trying to distract your DC and as PPs have said sometimes a stranger speaking to them does bring them out of their upset/tantrum. My DC were always obsessed with babies so the fact she mentioned a baby would have interested them too.
Your 'no uncertain terms' sounds rude. And if your solution was that the other mum could walk about with a sleeping baby on a moving train, equally you could have taken your DS for a little walk

Good grief, it's public transport. If someone is doing something I don't like I either move or hope they'll be getting off soon.

A simple, 'if you don;t stop that you won't be getting the phone back' would have done it. Its called parenting your child. At least it would work with a child who has been shown that sort of behaviour doesn't get them what they want.

Snort. 😁🙄

But you can just ask him to stop crying. Surely that's part of what we do to soothe them isn't it? Hopefully you were doing what you could to quiet him down. However,it was odd of her to think you could just turn his switch from on to off because her baby was asleep. She should have understood, having a child herself, that crying happens.

Good grief, it's public transport. If someone is doing something I don't like I either move or hope they'll be getting off soon.

Too right . It would be busy journey walking around telling toddlers to be quiet.

I totally agree with you op u did right.

Would have thought at 3 he'd understand that you just wanted a quick look to check the connection time, wouldn't have taken more than a minute or two then he could have the phone straight back.

Is this a serious question...?

No parent "lets" their child cry in a public place! It's just something that happens!!!

Can’t believe some of the horrible/strange responses.

OP, i would’ve told her to mind her business and travel by taxi next time. Kids get loud and you see parents trying to calm them, it’s a part of travelling by public transport. Ignore these strange responses somehow trying to blame you.

You are so sanctimonious.

I think she was being unreasonable tbh, I mean, I gather that your response might have been abit snappy but so what? What did she actually envisage happening here? You would say ' oh right wow sorry didn't realise that all I had to do was to keep him quiet and tell him to stop crying! I actually like him wailing in public but I'll ask him to stop and he will straight away just for you!' I get she might be stressed if her baby isn't sleeping and your child's crying might wake the baby, but I mean, she was on public transport, you kind of factor these things in when travelling with a baby?? It wouldn't even enter my mine to ask a person to quiet their crying child so as to not wake my sleeping baby I'd just deal with it?? Different if you were at her house for example but this was public? She could have moved seats. Also what happens when a group of people get on laughing? Or the tannoy is loud? So many variations here that could interrupt a sleeping baby that means expecting them to sleep on a public train is just naive. Incredibly entitled of this woman tbh, I'd have been just like you!

Any of my kids would have been so astonished at her quiet, reasonable but unexpected approach, I imagine they would have hushed up immediately.

Kudos.

Totally agree with this -

when my dd was little and kicking off in a shop -
an older lady bent down and spoke to my dd - you should listen to your mum !’
dd made a cat bum face and behaved !!
I was so grateful!!

What part of “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep” is rude? It's a polite request and sometimes kids do get stunned into silence when strangers speak to them. It was worth a shot.

Actually it often does work to ask a three year old to stop crying if you explain it would be kind and help the baby to sleep. Children often want to be helpful

I’m actually flabbergasted at the amount of people saying you are being unreasonable! In a couple of years time she will understand that telling a three year old to “stop crying” isn’t as simple as that. My gosh!

I suspect from the other woman's point of view, she saw a woman sat looking on her phone whilst ignoring her crying/tantruming dc hence why she said something.

The woman obliviously didn't know the circumstances that op was checking timings, but to most, if they were sat listening to a child cry whilst mum was on her phone, they wouldn't be happy.

No parent "lets" their child cry in a public place! It's just something that happens!!!
Oh dear, is this the new generation parenting stand? If so, I really despair. So many threads of parents exhausted, depressed, struggling to cope.

It's no surprise if parents believe that they are hopeless at stopping a three year old cry in public and that the only option is to let them do so. I dare to think how long it will be before these kids completely rule the roost!