Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

A 3 year old having a tantrum is a brat? You're lovely aren't you!

Such intolerant arseholes around.

I think "whatevs. I don't care about randoms" is pretty pathetic.

Have a nice day.

@girlmom21

On public transport

move the baby or get strangers performing toddler to be quiet

I know what I'd be doing and have done. 😄

He's 3, and three year olds make noise constantly, talking, singing, crying you know - just being small people. Op wasn't ignoring him reading Mumsnet she was trying to sort their connection.

Other mum might not have liked it, but she can't expect silence in public because her baby is sleeping.

Of course they were, did you witness each situation? This woman told a toddler to basically be quiet as he was disrupting her baby sleeping. She wasn't their to help the other mother with a crying toddler, she had her own agenda!

I think "whatevs. I don't care about randoms" is pretty pathetic.

😄😉

Exactly this.

Lol I’m sorry but if I had the balls I would have said the same thing. Your baby sleeping is categorically not my problem. Also where is the mum solidarity? Don’t leave the house if you need total silence for your baby to sleep.

I know right!

YANBU and reacted perfectly reasonably - I think I’d have probably just told her to fuck off.

If she doesn’t want her sleeping baby to be disturbed by members of the public then she needs to keep the baby at home when he/she is sleeping. Most babies will sleep through anything anyway so she’s definitely being a tad precious.

CornishGem1975 I always found that hot, tired ,whinging children were improved with water and food. Like puppies and plants, really.

You both sound annoying.

and exactly HOW was the other woman trying to distract OP's dc?? She wasn't, so why say she was trying to help? She was distracting the OP from trying to sort her child out, not offering a toy to help ffs

Sometimes I think my eyes read things different to others on this forum.

OP - YANBU

What a horrible woman. Can't believe she had the nerve to tell your DS off like that, or was foolish enough to think her baby is owed sleep on a public train.

I work in child psychology and all children have tantrums as they are completely normal for their underdeveloped minds. You have a very old fashioned and dangerously incorrect perception of 'training' children to fit every single aspect of society vs what parenting actually is. Nothing guarantees that your children won't find a different way to deal with their unresolved frustrations in later years. I work with plenty of people who came from families where parents knew exactly how to parent and did not tolerate any tantrums/emotional outbursts seeing it as a manipulation technique. These people are now in constant therapy.

I work in child psychology and all children have tantrums as they are completely normal for their underdeveloped minds. You have a very old fashioned and dangerously incorrect perception of 'training' children to fit every single aspect of society vs what parenting actually is. Nothing guarantees that your children won't find a different way to deal with their unresolved frustrations in later years. I work with plenty of people who came from families where parents knew exactly how to parent and did not tolerate any tantrums/emotional outbursts seeing it as a manipulation technique. These people are now in constant therapy.*

Well said! 👏

Once you have experienced the toddler years you tend to tune out other peoples children having a tantrum. If your child had been tantrum if the whole mourning I may have raised an eyebrow but he had obviously been quite happy until that point.
New mums are still at that blissful stage of “ my child will never be a tantruming toddler”.
The trouble is that you can never think of a polite reply to these women at the time.
I have helped numerous mums trying to get toddlers into shopping trolley sears in supermarkets. I remember what a struggle it can be, or getting a pushchair onto a train or bus. It should be second nature as a fellow mum.
I still carry a pack of wipes and plasters in my bag out of habit. Even grown up children expect you to still be mum.
It’s a shame this mum didn’t put herself in your position and offer distraction rather than criticism.

I ask my kids to stop crying regularly. "I know you're sad, but there's a baby over there fast asleep. Can we talk about it instead?" It works some of the time; often enough to give it a go every time. I have an 8yo and a 3yo and I don't think they're unusually rational. They mainly want to feel understood, so it's generally much more successful for me than just shushing them (I think I've tried all approaches).

Mourning - journey

Can we quit with the parent blaming in both directions? I thought all recent theories say that you just need to be a good parent for the majority of the time. Plenty of us grew up being left to cry in the pram outside sometimes, having tantrums ignored, going through controlled crying, going to the naughty step and grew up without needing constant therapy. Because our parents were loving parents trying to do their best and subscribing to the popular views of child development at the time. Some kids have a lot of tantrums, some don’t. Some kids are stubborn and difficult to calm down, some aren’t. Some like to be held, some like a few minutes to calm down.

When her newborn is the age of your DC she might understand your predicament at the moment in time more reasonably.

I haven't read the full thread, only OP's posts. I have some suggestions...

Have you tried sticker books, "find the..." books and colouring books. It took me ages to discover these and then outings became dramatically easier. Especially stickers.

I echo the PP who said offer food and water. Kiddilicious and Bear do these packs of tiny dried fruit sweets, like a raisin. Even my DD now calls them "bribes". They're so tiny so relatively guilt free, one or two will keep her quiet through a sticky spot.

Have a spare device eg cheapo tablet to show the cartoons on. I don't have a problem with screen time for my toddler...but I need my own phone!!

Where does it say the lady told her DS off? OP says the lady asked if he could be quiet as her baby was crying.

Of course you can ask a 3yr old to stop crying and/or tantrumming, it might work and it might not but if you don't ask you won't know and it will definitely work for some.

Seems a load of angst over nothing to me, she wasn't rude to ask, you weren't rude (although that's debatable given the wording of your first post) to say no. Two tired mums trying to do their best. Why didn't you just say to her you were getting off?

I think incidents like this just go to show how intolerant we are of each other really.

This!

You are so unreasonable. For your backtracking as well.