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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Manners-leaving the table whilst others still eating

101 replies

Crazyenglishsummer · 23/07/2022 22:59

Is this rude?

Dh frequently does this after finishing his meal, leaving Dd (4) still eating our meal together. I always find it a bit rushed and rude, I’d prefer us to take our time and sit at least for a little while whilst we finished.
Had my parents over for dinner tonight and noticed Dh and Df got up to put things away whilst Dm was still eating. I’d finished but just naturally sat there.

Is this rude or am I being too uptight?

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazyenglishsummer · 23/07/2022 22:59

*Others ARE still eating

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 23/07/2022 23:02

I think it's bad manners at a dinner party, but I'm not very strict about it at normal family meals. Sometimes I'll get up to start the pots if the kids are having pudding for eg.

If it bothers you though, chat to your DH about it.

KosherDill · 23/07/2022 23:05

Very rude and disrespectful.

TooManyPJs · 23/07/2022 23:05

I thin my it's rude too. Unless there is a specific reason (they are rushing off to a booked activity or something) then everyone should wait at the table until everyone has finished.

AverageJoan · 23/07/2022 23:06

I think it's rude too

Thinkingblonde · 23/07/2022 23:07

Yes, I consider it rude. Growing up we were taught to ask first, “can I leave the table” “or can I be excused”.
I don’t like sitting there eating on my own. A friend has this annoying thing of leaving the table when she’s finished , she goes into the kitchen which is in full view of the dining room and stars clearing the pots away, filling the dishwasher.

Andante57 · 23/07/2022 23:11

I agree it’s rude.

ldontWanna · 23/07/2022 23:13

I don't, unless the person literally scoffs up their food, leaves without a thank you and/or clearing up after themselves.

Rosebel · 23/07/2022 23:14

Thinkingblonde · 23/07/2022 23:07

Yes, I consider it rude. Growing up we were taught to ask first, “can I leave the table” “or can I be excused”.
I don’t like sitting there eating on my own. A friend has this annoying thing of leaving the table when she’s finished , she goes into the kitchen which is in full view of the dining room and stars clearing the pots away, filling the dishwasher.

We always had to ask too. My kids know they have to ask too. 9/10 times we say yes but it's good manners tu ask first. And it should be down to whoever is still eating to say yes they can or no they can't.
Tell your husband you find it rude. Why can't he just sit at the table for 10 extra minutes?

RewildingAmbridge · 23/07/2022 23:14

I think it's rude, DS asks to leave the table and clears his plate to the kitchen, but only if DH and I are lingering/chatting.
Last time DNs came for dinner they just got up and DS said oh no you have to ask it's rude to leave the table 😂, he's 3 and a judgey MNetter in the making

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2022 23:16

I think its rude if there are other adults at the table.

I think it's fine if you've got a young child/children who eat incredibly slowly and you need to clear the kitchen before bedtime etc.

Kite22 · 23/07/2022 23:19

Of course it is rude.
There are times when someone has to rush off to a meeting or something, and they apologise and go, but I consider a meal to be as much about the conversation and social side as stuffing fuel into your body.

I think - if you are able to eat in the kitchen - then someone starting to sort out the bots and pieces whilst a slowcoach child is taking an age to finish is okay. You are still there, chatting with them.

Soapboxqueen · 23/07/2022 23:22

Proper dinner party type thing, yes it would be a bit rude. Though I couldn't bring myself to care.

Normal dinner time, no. I've got things to do and I'm not sitting there twiddling my thumbs.

However, talk to your dh if it bothers you so much but be prepared for the fact that he may not see it as important as you do.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 23/07/2022 23:27

At a dinner party, it’s rude. At home wouldn’t bother me.

hubadub · 23/07/2022 23:28

Doesn’t bother me at home. I actually couldn’t stand being around people eating when I’m not

knackeredagain · 23/07/2022 23:29

It’s rude. If everyone’s finished eating it’s fine for an adult to get up and side the plates away but if people are still eating, you wait.
Children: “Please May I leave the table?”

DilemmaDelilah · 24/07/2022 09:01

I also think think it's rude. I have a son in law who does this at his own house, regardless of who has done the cooking. I went to stay with them for a few days and did most of the cooking to help my daughter, and he did what he always does which is to finish his meal, then get up and put his plate in the dishwasher and then left the room to do something else while the rest of us were still eating and chatting. However... I think he may be neuro diverse (there are other signs) and he doesn't do it at our house (although I can see that he wants to). He is nice, a good host and very polite - I just don't think staying at the table was something that was done when he was growing up, and he likes things to be tidy.

5foot5 · 24/07/2022 09:04

I think it's rude and is not modelling good table manners to your son .

As to them clearing away while your DM was still eating, I would hate this. I have always been a slowish eater, not abnormally so but always last to finish. It would piss me off if someone starts to clear up around me, FIL used to do this when we are at their house. I am sure he didn't mean to be rude, just saw it as a way of getting ready for the next course. When he had finished his main he would take his plate and anyone else's who had finished to the kitchen. Then as each person finished he cleared there's too. When you are always last to finish you then just feel that you are holding everyone up and they are all sitting waiting for you.

Frazzled2207 · 24/07/2022 09:09

Growing up it would be considered rude yes but these days in an everyday environment we don’t get too her up about it.
in some kind of formal dinner yes it would be rude but we don’t have many of those.

on a similar note though (sorry don’t mean to hijack) my in laws always clash their teeth on their cutlery. I was always told this was rude and still think it is. My dh thinks I’m bonkers.

Ontomatopea · 24/07/2022 09:11

I think its polite to ask if you may leave the table but the answer should always be yes. One of my DSD eats painfully slowly and it just gets awkward if we're all sat there.

Hardbackwriter · 24/07/2022 09:14

I think it's rude if everyone is eating at a normal pace. I think it's a bit different if someone is being very slow (perhaps not surprising in the case of a four year old!) and it's not a formal occasion. I do think everyone should have waited for your mum regardless, because she was a guest.

When you are always last to finish you then just feel that you are holding everyone up and they are all sitting waiting for you.

I don't think this is an accident - I think it's exactly why people do it, because they're getting annoyed waiting! Which is indeed rude.

DelurkingAJ · 24/07/2022 09:15

I agree it’s rude not to ask. And from having DC’s friends round if they don’t ask at home they won’t ask when they’re not at home…

And if it’s just me and DS2 (who eats like a snail) I will say something like ‘DS2, I’m going to clear my plate but I’ll be just here, then I’ll make myself a coffee and sit down again.’ (our dining room is open plan so I’m always there!).

midgetastic · 24/07/2022 09:19

I'd always ask

With children around I would show a lot more patience as well - it's a chance to chat as a family and that habit started young can be helpful as they get older - the food means teens can talk without looking at you

Canihaveacoffeepleasexx · 24/07/2022 09:23

I have always found this to be a really strange rule. I wouldn’t expect my kids or other half to sit at the table if they have finished. It’s never been a thing for us. My cousins little boy is 3 and has to say “please May I be excused” and it feels really old fashioned. Just my preference though!

TwilightSkies · 24/07/2022 09:26

I don’t find it rude. Im relaxed around food and mealtimes generally though.

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