Manners-leaving the table whilst others still eating

[Crazyenglishsummer]

Is this rude?

Dh frequently does this after finishing his meal, leaving Dd (4) still eating our meal together. I always find it a bit rushed and rude, I’d prefer us to take our time and sit at least for a little while whilst we finished.
Had my parents over for dinner tonight and noticed Dh and Df got up to put things away whilst Dm was still eating. I’d finished but just naturally sat there.

Is this rude or am I being too uptight?

That’s my question too. Why?
And “it’s rude not to” isn’t an answer.

Yes. It's one thing letting the kids 'be excused' once they have finished but If he works outside the home this is prime time with his family and he should respect you enough to stay while you all finish.

If guests were over I’d consider it rude but with just immediate family (and a small child to prepare a nightly routine for) I’d struggle to care. Interesting that your dad did too though.

What's the point of it? Especially when at home.
Why is it rude?

It is rude. One of my relatives would always do this. Wolf her dinner and then just get up. She would never sit face on either. Its sending out a message that the others are not important. And we were not to her.

We wait for the last person to finish.

Only if it's the only "prime" time they get.

My youngest and I are both slow eaters. I absolutely hate feeling the pressure to finish so others can leave the table. In the house I have no issues of others leaving the table if I'm still eating.

If we were out it would be different. Or big occasions such as Christmas etc.

And my youngest could make a meal last a long time. Even I can't last at the table when he's on a eating slow mood.

I was a slow eater as a teenager due to gastro issues, and ended up developing eating issues because of the amount of time I spent at the table being stared at by people who were finished and clearly wanted to get up. If it's a case of a couple of minutes difference then it's nice for everyone to stay together, but if someone is significantly slower then just let everyone get on with what's best for them. Isn't that what table manners are supposed to be for, improving the experience? Not to make things stressful and full of rules.

Exactly @LAsandkicksup , it depends on the family situation.
Good manners is being considerate towards the people you're eating with.
What counts as considerate will vary according to the situation and preferences of those present.
What is important is to talk this through with your family so that they understand why you're asking them to do something, why you would prefer them to wait, or to start tidying, or whatever. That's teaching them good communication skills, rather than assuming table manners are written in stone somewhere.

I agree with you, but that’s also because I like the social aspect of meals together.
Sitting down together, quietly finishing your meal and leaving the table - in that case I might as well eat by myself.

I would just think "do you mind if I go ... (reason)" or for children, "please may I get down?" is polite and respectful in any circumstance. It acknowledges the other members of the family and friends. "Thanks for the meal", also helps.

Nope, when one of us is finished we get up and clean up any remnants from cooking, load the dishwasher etc. while the others finish off their food. At someone else's house or a meal out then of course we sit and wait, but at home I care more about getting chores done than every meal being a lesson in how to behave

It's rude to leave before others have finished. We don't force the kids to wait for a slow eating sibling but they are certainly not allowed to scoff-and-go.

My DC always ask to leave the table and on the whole we say yes. DH and I then sit together until the last one is finished - usually me.

It is rude to leave people eating alone imo

No one has quite managed to explain WHY it is rude.

In a non social, family situation it isn't rude to leave the table when others are eating. It's weird to expect people to just sit there when they've finished, especially as they could be getting a start on the dishes, it something else equally useful (that I can avoid by eating slowly).

Agreed. No one can say why exactly it’s rude. Maybe it’s rude in those families where they only speak to each other at meal times so need to stay to be social and learn how to have a conversation. Other families actually spend time together conversing and having fun away from the table.

Extremely rude. If allowed at home then becomes the norm. Surely it's at home that good manners are taught and practised? Manners maketh man.

Well "It's rude not to" is an answer, as it is explaining to you that in the UK (and I suspect many other cultures) that is what society has deemed to be good manners.

In the same way that it would be rude to pick your nose; to fart; to start clearing wax out of your ears; to put your earphones in and ignore everyone else; to cough and sneeze without covering your mouth / turning away; etc etc. It was what society has decreed. What has been accepted amongst generations fo many decades.

It’s rude to assume that someone else has no manners just because they were brought up differently to you @Crazyenglishsummer who are you to decide what constitutes bad manners and what doesn’t?

But as you can see from this thread, it isn't one poster who "has decided". It is about "what is considered polite".
Even many of the posters who say they don't do it in their normal family weekday meal or meal with their partner, still know it is the polite thing to do and would therefore expect to stay at a table in a more formal setting.
The way people learn manners is by practising them frequently until they become just normal habit.

"What has been accepted amongst generations fo many decades."

The thing is though that changes as time goes on. This thread highlights that quite well, as it shows different people having different views on what manners are. And as the generations go on, different things will be considered good manners or bad manners.

It's an interesting topic. There are these who will do things as their parents did. But there are also these who will do things very differently from their parents due to negative experiences of these habits while growing up. There are examples of both on this thread.

@Kite22 it was also considered bad manners if children were not ‘seen and not heard’ and considered acceptable to beat up your children and to defer to your ‘betters’ ie the upper classes. Society has evolved from these outdated views on manners and I would include not being allowed to leave the table among these. It’s not rude. Obviously some parts of society are stuck in the past like you are.

I am a stickler for table manners, so yes I think getting up is bad manners.

Bad manners because: meal times are social occasions, and that’s being truncated by the leaver; it isolates the slower eater, and places undue pressure on them to finish possibly earlier than they’d like; when starting at home, it moves to other occasions.

For me, it was the opposite.

Sitting at a table still eating being stared at by everyone else who was finished but not allowed to leave the table put huge pressure on me and made me not want to finish.

Unfortunately, I also was supposed to finish everything on my plate, irrespective of whether I was enjoying it or not.

I learned meal times were not always pleasant experiences. I didn't want to force these so called social niceties on my own children as it really can lead to major issues with food.

OK, I guess it's about communication. And civility.

I use to do night shifts. I'd often have to leave family at the table, but I'd say to them all "okay, chaps, going to have leave you. Be good for DP, love you lots." If the kids leave the table when none of us have shifts they will have previously said "Mum/Dad, have a match/going out to play with x/going to town" and will like me say "just off, thanks for tea." Early teens DD was a bit ruder "Going out" "why do you want to know?" etc etc so it wasn't all peaches and cream.