Manners-leaving the table whilst others still eating

[Crazyenglishsummer]

Is this rude?

Dh frequently does this after finishing his meal, leaving Dd (4) still eating our meal together. I always find it a bit rushed and rude, I’d prefer us to take our time and sit at least for a little while whilst we finished.
Had my parents over for dinner tonight and noticed Dh and Df got up to put things away whilst Dm was still eating. I’d finished but just naturally sat there.

Is this rude or am I being too uptight?

I find the whole ‘please may I leave the table’ very old fashioned and naff. We’ve never made our kids do it, and my parents didn’t enforce it either.

Sitting at a table still eating being stared at by everyone else who was finished but not allowed to leave the table put huge pressure on me and made me not want to finish.

Sorry you endured that, but that is not normal or usual.
Usually - as other posters have said - meals are social times. Even ordinary weekday evening meals are a time that a family can catch up on what's happened in the day or what the plans are for the next day / later in the week, or just to share something funny or interesting that they heard or saw somewhere.

If you look on the teenage boards, the advice to continue to eat meals together as a family is often put out there as a way to keep in the loop with your teens when they go through the "I want to be in isolation" years.

It is quite bizarre to sit silently staring at someone.

And yet I'm not the only one on this thread who has posted a similar story.

Even if people are chatting, if they want to be doing other stuff but have to sit there waiting on the lady person finishing, it's uncomfortable and puts pressure on the slow eater.

You can have a sociable dinner, and still let people leave the table when they are finished.

How far away is your kitchen that foods getting cold by the time you’ve been there, grabbed some food and come back??

I can't bear slow eaters and I don't like people talking to me while I eat, so yabu.

No, they haven't. Some mealtime issues are really rude, such as chewing with your mouth open - no one wants to look at half chewed food.

Other types of 'rudeness' are just arbitrary and pointless. Why, for instance, is it considered rude to put your elbows on the table?

Good manners are in place so that they don't upset or inconvenience other people, so I can't see why it's rude to leave the table when you've finished eating. (At home, that is - not a dinner party when conversation is part of the evening).

It's not getting too cold to eat it, obviously, but it's not as hot as it would be, if she'd just start eating when she's served.
Waiting until everyone has been served is just another of those pointless mealtime practices that benefits no-one. It just irritates me when she says, 'I'm being polite,' when she sits there looking at the food.

Same here

Well "It's rude not to" is an answer, as it is explaining to you that in the UK (and I suspect many other cultures) that is what society has deemed to be good manners.

No, it's not. Some social groups in the UK consider this to be good manners, but certainly not all, so it needs explanation. Your other examples are easy to explain:

In the same way that it would be rude to pick your nose; to fart; to start clearing wax out of your ears;... to cough and sneeze without covering your mouth

These things impose smells or unpleasant sights on those present which may evoke a disgust reaction and put them off their food. It's easy to see why it's good manners not to do them.

to put your earphones in and ignore everyone else;.... turning away; etc etc.

Ignoring or turning away suggest that you don't value the company of those present at all.
I guess leaving the table before others have finished is in the same vein as these two, in that it could suggest you're keen to escape their company and don't value the closeness of mealtime. But whether it sends this message depends on what has happened during the meal.

Discussing why you consider these things rude is a great opportunity to get others to buy into your family's table traditions. That's much better than simply saying it's rude.

I hate sitting listening to people eat or waiting for slooow eaters. It is considered bad manners I guess but at home I'd not be bothered

Yes, it’s incredibly rude.

Because a meal is a social occasion, and a chance to spend time with people, not a refuelling stop.

Of course there are occasions when someone has to be somewhere else, or has to be doing something else, but then you excuse yourself, not just fuck off because you’re bored with the other people’s company.

@Kite22 a family can catch up on what's happened in the day or what the plans are for the next day / later in the week, or just to share something funny or interesting that they heard or saw somewhere

do you not talk to your family if you’re not sitting having dinner? How odd. Why do you need to be eating and at a table to hear what your family members have been up to? Not my family's experience…we like spending time together chatting without having to be glued to a kitchen table.

Because a meal is a social occasion, and a chance to spend time with people, not a refuelling stop.

Says who? I eat because I'm hungry not because I need to socialise. Tbh by the time dinner is ready my ears are about to fall out anyways as normally DD stays with me while I cook and tells me ALL about her day. Plus you talk while you eat however long that is, it doesn't have to be a lengthy affair so you can get it all out. I don't know how it works in your house but we have plenty of opportunities to talk(too many really 😬)

"What has been accepted amongst generations for many decades"

I seem to recall slavery was accepted amongst generations for many years too. But now times and society have changed.

Why on Earth are many posters who have this old fashioned rule of sitting and waiting for the last person to finish eating or beg to be excused assuming that meal times are not social occasions for those of us who don’t have this rule?

In my family, you get your food, you don’t wait for everyone to be seated with food either- and you tuck in. There is a still a good amount of time where we are all eating and chatting before the first person is done and leaves the table putting their dishes by the sink and starting on putting away leftovers.

And as others like me have pointed out, meal times isn’t the only opportunity each day where you can chat with family members. It’s just so odd to make family, especially children sit and stare at an empty plate.

I'm a really slow eater and the thought of everyone having to sit there with empty plates, waiting for me to finish would be like a nightmare 😱

Just bugger off and leave me be.

I find it rude. Meal times are great for talking about the day or plans for the day.

DD can leave the breakfast table at the weekend as DH and I like to linger over a cup of tea or two after finishing. There are exceptions like when she is going to Explorers as she is changing after dinner and normally. picked up by a friend.

But we are also a boring family who insists on eating together as a rule.

I agree - it's not an all or nothing situation.

Family chats can still happen even if some leave the table once they have finished eating. And sometimes they choose to stay to chat longer - but it's a choice not an expectation.

We chat lots of other times without it needing to be around the dinner table. Due to clubs and work etc we don't get a chance eat together during the week but generally at the weekend we do unless someone is going out etc.

But if either need a proper chat - something bothering them etc it's the car that they prefer - as it's one to one generally

It is rude and it won’t help instil good manners in to your children. Talk to him about it.

@reluctantbrit DD can leave the breakfast table at the weekend as DH and I like to linger over a cup of tea or two after finishing. There are exceptions like when she is going to Explorers as she is changing after dinner and normally. picked up by a friend

your poor daughter. How generous to allow her to leave the table at the weekend and when she has an exception due to an activity. Can you not talk to her normally throughout the week and spend time together or your boring family only talk to each other at the table while eating so you need this rule in place?

It's a bit of a weird power play to insist people sit there and watch you eat when you've finished.

People complain they're short of time in the evening to do hobbies etc but don't want to let the other person make a start on washing up etc.

Especially since most houses these days have the kitchen and dining area as one open plan space it's not like you can't continue a conversation.

No one has quite managed to explain WHY it is rude.

It suggests that the person who is still eating is not worth a few minutes of your time, if you can't be bothered to sit and keep them company when you have finished eating.

It's rude

How rude are you ?

Just because many families want to preserve a social convention of making family meals priority, doesn't make them boring.
If you want to do thing differently, then fine, nobody is forcing you to sit round a table.