Asking DH before rearranging furniture

[Bnxybee]

If you wanted to move the sofa or TV, do you check if it’s okay with DH or just go ahead?

We have a relatively small living room with a corner sofa in the middle of it. Behind the sofa is a desk that never gets used and a bookcase with mostly DH’s stuff. There’s also a narrow bookcase at the bottom of the stairs that doesn’t get used and one under the stairs full of DH’s board games (which haven’t been played with since childhood). Overall it’s just not functional because it’s a small space with too much stuff. And there’s not that much room for DS’s toys, etc. Currently keeping his electric scooter and rocking horse in his box bedroom as there’s no room under the stairs. Worth mentioning that he’s terrified of riding the scooter and not at all interested in the rocking horse but I won’t even suggest flogging them on FB as they were presents from DH’s Nan.

Me: “Thinking of rearranging the living room. Maybe getting rid of one of the bookcases and moving the sofa back so there’s more space”.

DH: “No point talking to you about it as you’re just going to go ahead and do it anyway, regardless… Just like when you moved the sofa in the last house.”

The last house had a narrow living room with a fireplace sticking out. We bought a new sofa and DH wanted it sticking out so the (slightly) longer bit was facing the TV. You literally had to squeeze between the fireplace and edge of the sofa to get through. It looked ridiculous so I waited until he’d gone to work and then moved it against the wall. He’s never let me forget! I also put a 10-year-old faux leather pouffe out the garden as there was no room for it in this house. It was damaged anyway but he had a massive strop about it. Basically said I was out of order.

Me: “You know, I don’t think most men react like this when their wives want to move some stuff around”.

DH: “Yeah well most men are whipped”.

Also told me I don’t think things through and just charge ahead without any input from him. We’re supposed to be a team, yada ya.

This is someone who wouldn’t move to a 2-bed house or flat (more within our affordability) because he needed a spare room for his gaming PC and all his other s**t. He refers to this room as his office.

Is anyone else’s DH like this? Totally inflexible and resistant to any sort of change?

AIBU thinking that most husbands wouldn’t give a crap and that he’s just a control freak? Or am I just not a team player?

Can you move all your dh stuff into the box room?

I'd personally prefer to be able to have some input into where my stuff goes in my home tbh.

My partner hates moving stuff around. He wouldn't be party to it but if I moved it he wouldn't care as long as he didn't have to.

He isn't whipped he just doesn't have a care about decour and room layout as long as TV isn't above. at neck height.

I think your other half is unreasonable.

I regularly move stuff around in our house as our family needs change.

My husband couldn’t give a shit. Not sure if he even notices to be honest.

My DP wouldn't care what I moved he would probably be relieved I haven't waited for him to help me do it but that said if I said I want you to help me move XXX he would but would rather not.

@Bnxybee is ds’s bedroom smaller than dh’s office?
If so then do what’s best for you and ds to have a nice space.
Your dh has a whole room of his own so he can jog on telling you what you can and can’t move.
Suggest to him that you’ll share his office as you’re not ‘whipped.’

There's a few rooms where I tinker with layouts by myself to keep them functioning as needs change with family life. It doesn't tend to affect DH's possessions.
In most rooms the layout is pretty fixed or furniture too heavy to shift solo so DH is involved in any changes to them.

It sounds like your DH isn't great at being a team player then deflects it back at you. Compromise is important.

How weird, yeah my DH would have an opinion on it if I moved the furniture but he wouldn't get annoyed because I dared move a couch without asking him, that's odd. Also if my DH moved some furniture I wouldn't be annoyed that he didn't ask me first, If I didn't like it I'd tell him I didn't but I wouldn't be annoyed (and vice versa)

Suggesting that other men are “whipped” because they work together with their wives/ have some consideration is a huge red flag.

Tends to suggest a man who thinks he top of the tree/ “head of the family” and not a nice person at all.

We'd discuss it first. Not as in me seeking permission, but just to see if there was something else I hadn't thought of.

I do it all the time. DH grunts a bit and moans if it’s things he then can’t find (I rearrange drawers).

Take no notice and crack on. I wouldn’t go in his man cave and move stuff- can’t be bothered! (we’ve a converted cellar). But DD will go down there and move things by around.

DH refers to me as the boss though- tongue in cheek. But I do the bulk of cleaning and sorting DD so he thinks I’m entitled to have things my way. We chat together sometimes if it’s major changes but I always get the end say because he doesn’t really care that much.

My dh wouldn't care as long as l wasn't buying new stuff that was expensive. Then l would consult him. To be honest l don't like if he moves stuff without consulting me but that's mainly because l plan it all and then him moving it interrupts my scheme!!
During lockdown l would have done a major clear out and didn't consult dh as he would have dithered over stuff while l was on a roll and didn't want any reluctance.
I hate guys saying ..they're whipped..its like he will object to things just to show who is the boss.

DP cares more about room layouts than I do, but would still run any major changes past me - the house is both of ours so I expect to have some sort of say. That say is often "I don't mind, do what you want" but sometimes I do have an opinion and want things a certain way. When we moved house we discussed how we would lay out the living room and it was actually my setup that we ended up agreeing on.

It shouldn't be a big deal though - if he's switching things up in a major way he'll mention it or drop me a message so I don't come home to a jarring new layout. If it's just tinkering and I don't like it then we'll just chat about it.

Calling other men "whipped" is a red flag to me too.

I move all the furniture around without consulting dh as he sometimes doesn't have the vision. At our old place I was forever moving the living room layout around trying to make the best of the space. I would wait until he was out at work and then crack on. Most of the time it worked, just a few times I misjudged the space between things. I think the last big rejig was the best and we kept it that way for years until we moved.
Im currently about to do the same with our current bedroom, though he knows I am going to do it and doesn't think it will work.

Ughh he sounds really argumentative. I would tell my husband so he could help me do it. We can always change it back if we don’t like it m. Sounds like you don’t have that option. So sorry OP.

It's one thing when oh doesn't care. In this instance he does.

How would you feel if it was the other way round? It's you who sounds controlling OP.

This. ^ What a wanky thing to say. I fucking HATE this attitude. Like when DH used to go to the pub on a Saturday lunchtime every other weekend when the kids were little, I would pick him up, and his 'mates' said 'oooh the missus is here, you better go!' with a whipping sound and motion like he was 'whipped.' And an 'under the thumb' motion. DH said 'well I said pick me up at 2, and she's here on the button, so who is 'under the thumb' exactly?'

Whilst I didn't much like being called 'under the thumb' I get why he said it. Plus he didn't mean it, as I am not. And neither is he. He quite happily picked me up when I went out with my friends ... once or twice a month...

But yeah, a HUGE red flag when a man speaks like yours @Bnxybee

I would absolutely consult DH if I were to do any furniture re-arranging. As pps have said, you're a couple, you should work together/make joint decisions, and consider each other. Anyone who considers being considerate about your life partner/spouse as being 'whipped' is a twat frankly...

I think you're making a big deal over nothing. I mean if you move it and it doesn't look right or your husband hates it, then it's not like you can never move it back. If I got home and my husband had rearranged the house is be a bit irked, he rearranged the kitchen cupboards once (he doesn't cook. I do) and I was annoyed every time I opened them to look for something for about a month.

My DH wouldn't even notice. I only involve him in any changes to the home if he's got to do the heavy lifting.

You could have asked him what he thought, rather than just announcing you were going to do it. Perhaps you think you are asking for input when you make statements like that, but he hears it as you just saying you're going to do it regardless. Might be a simple communication problem. But I don't like they way he responded about me being 'whipped' by their wives.

If any man, irrespective of relation to me, used the term "Yeah well most men are whipped”, I would have very little respect for them.

he so9unds like an arsehole regardless of moving furniture about

I’d be seriously pissed off if my bloke unilaterally decided to move stuff round/throw it out and did it without any discussion.

Whipped? Ugh. He sounds horrible

Men who use the term "whipped" are not usually good husband material ime.

However, I do think both partners should have a say in the layout of communal rooms. When I have ideas about layout I usually talk to DH about them and we agree whether or not to proceed. He's usually open to change though, and sometimes he can see pitfalls that I haven't seen, so it's useful to get a second opinion.