Asking DH before rearranging furniture

[Bnxybee]

If you wanted to move the sofa or TV, do you check if it’s okay with DH or just go ahead?

We have a relatively small living room with a corner sofa in the middle of it. Behind the sofa is a desk that never gets used and a bookcase with mostly DH’s stuff. There’s also a narrow bookcase at the bottom of the stairs that doesn’t get used and one under the stairs full of DH’s board games (which haven’t been played with since childhood). Overall it’s just not functional because it’s a small space with too much stuff. And there’s not that much room for DS’s toys, etc. Currently keeping his electric scooter and rocking horse in his box bedroom as there’s no room under the stairs. Worth mentioning that he’s terrified of riding the scooter and not at all interested in the rocking horse but I won’t even suggest flogging them on FB as they were presents from DH’s Nan.

Me: “Thinking of rearranging the living room. Maybe getting rid of one of the bookcases and moving the sofa back so there’s more space”.

DH: “No point talking to you about it as you’re just going to go ahead and do it anyway, regardless… Just like when you moved the sofa in the last house.”

The last house had a narrow living room with a fireplace sticking out. We bought a new sofa and DH wanted it sticking out so the (slightly) longer bit was facing the TV. You literally had to squeeze between the fireplace and edge of the sofa to get through. It looked ridiculous so I waited until he’d gone to work and then moved it against the wall. He’s never let me forget! I also put a 10-year-old faux leather pouffe out the garden as there was no room for it in this house. It was damaged anyway but he had a massive strop about it. Basically said I was out of order.

Me: “You know, I don’t think most men react like this when their wives want to move some stuff around”.

DH: “Yeah well most men are whipped”.

Also told me I don’t think things through and just charge ahead without any input from him. We’re supposed to be a team, yada ya.

This is someone who wouldn’t move to a 2-bed house or flat (more within our affordability) because he needed a spare room for his gaming PC and all his other s**t. He refers to this room as his office.

Is anyone else’s DH like this? Totally inflexible and resistant to any sort of change?

AIBU thinking that most husbands wouldn’t give a crap and that he’s just a control freak? Or am I just not a team player?

He sounds like a dick.

I think it is good for couples to discuss and agree with how rooms should be decorated but in your case it seems like he decides and his decisions are very selfish and completely impractical.

And it is worrying that he considers a man being whipped for being considerate and respectful to his wife.

It sounds like he thinks very little of your opinion and comfort.

If he wants an entire room ('office') to keep all his shite in - put it all in there.
Sorry OP but anyone who needs an entire room for gaming is out of fucking order when there's an actual human that could use that space instead, or the money could be saved by living somewhere smaller. If you didn't have kids, fine, let him crack on, but you do. Your DC takes priority.

This:

"I also put a 10-year-old faux leather pouffe out the garden as there was no room for it in this house."

Is a bit more than just rearranging, isn't it?

A leather pouffe will degrade and rot in the garden, so what you effectively decided was to trash that item of furniture. Was it something that he liked but you didn't? The fact it was a by damaged is irrelevant - presumably it could be repaired?

I'd be fine with Dh moving something to another room to experiment with a new layout, but if he put something I liked out in the garden to rot I would be furious. Because it's totally disrespectful.

Would you be OK if he rearranged things according to his preference without consulting you first? You know, he lives there too

Argh - I did not intend to quote that post! Sorry.

All of your husband's useless shit can go into "his office." He sounds like a giant fucking prick, honestly.

Whipped?

I wonder what the response would be if the OP had posted that their partner always rearranges the furniture without any discussion or consultation, and that last time they did so they had put a favourite old pouffe of the OP's out in the garden to rot.

Using the word "whipped" is horrible, but unilaterally deciding to trash a shared items of furniture is also pretty shit.

Ah but this is MN @Octomore. The place where men are always wrong, women are always right - unless, of course, they’re a Mil, then all bets are off.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in why you want to move it.

But I do think if it's a shared living space it should be discussed. I discovered my DP really does want and expect a fair input into these things, I only discovered this when we moved out of my house into one we both owned, so it was a bit of surprise.

Yes, he does sound unreasonable and disrespectful. Do you get on and do it because of the response you would get from him if you try to have a reasonable, grown up discussion? Is he like this with other things - i guessing this isn't a one off. 'Whipped' 🙄

We would have the discussion first because we both live in this house and we both get to give an opinion, even if his opinion is often that he doesn't mind and I should do what I think makes most sense.

I wouldn't put anything of his elsewhere without us having discussed it first, that seems a bit insensitive to me.

Eh, I love re arranging things. It's a running joke when DH comes home from working away, he'll walk in and try to notice what's changed 😂 I would 100% check if it's something huge or something that would impact him (like re arranging his office, or creating loads of work for him if it's something I can only do half of) but the little things I can get done on my own I'll just do 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've picked wall colours and painted rooms before without checking with him, but we have an already agreed stance of him being okay as long as it isn't permanent, and tbh he loves 99% of what I do. He just has no interior design inclinations 😂

I move stuff around all the time without telling DH. Our agreement is if it's electrical he chooses it, everything else is my choice within reason, colours, furniture etc. That said, he'll always help me. I would never get rid of any of this things without asking first and DH would certainly be pissed if I left furniture outside to rot.
I did move some drawers around the other day and when I went back later, he'd moved them back cause he didn't like it! I didn't mind.

We would discuss it unless it was a very minor move of certain items . I certainly wouldn’t unilaterally decide to move the TV for example . It’s a mute point anyway because he would be doing any lifting / wiring . What usually happens here is we move stuff and then decide it was better before and move it all back .

The OP DID discuss it with her dh first. He then threw a strop that she wanted to change something.

Keeping space free for things that are never used instead of having useful things in the space seems absolutely mad. Can't he put stuff in his 'office'?

no dp these days, but even before, if I'd spent some time thinking about it, and had a better idea, then I'd just move stuff around. Sometimes I might have a chat about it with ex, but sometimes I wouldn't.

If I was planning to chuck something that belonged to him, that would be different though - I would clear that first.

This for us too. He came home to find I'd painted the front room once. He didn't care as long as he didn't have to do it!

I move our furniture about so often my husband often wonders if he’s in the right house. Sometimes he doesn’t agree but we live with it for a couple of days and maybe move things back.

I imagine he "threw a strop" because last time the OP put furniture (presumably something she didn't like, but he did) in the garden to rot.

Would you not be pissed off about that?

To be honest I don’t think he sounds inflexible and resistant to change based on your example, he just sounds like he wants some say in the matter. I’d talk to my other half before totally rearranging shared spaces - and I’d expect him to do the same.

Your communal living space, plus the allocation of rooms, seems dominated by your husband’s wishes/stuff.

He has an office, do you? His stuff takes up space in your sitting room - do you have similar space for your hobbies?

This might need pointing out to him …

I would find it strange not to be asked, and not to be able to have any input into where to put furniture in my living room.

Your statement 'It looked ridiculous' about the previous couch does not necessarily trump his views on what he wants/likes.

I wouldn't like his 'whipped' comments but equally I think your comment about what 'most men...' would or wouldn't do is odd.

I'm interpreting the op differently to others I think, I took it to mean your DS is in a small box bedroom along with all his toys including rocking horse and scooter. Meanwhile your DH is cluttering usable space downstairs with his books and toys. I'm not saying he shouldn't be sentimental about stuff but if your house is so small there isn't room for DS to have things downstairs it needs to be in the attic or stored elsewhere. He should at least be prepared to listen to your suggestions and reasons for them. He's trying to act like the big man but the reality is he's a little boy who still needs his toys, what a saddo.