Asking DH before rearranging furniture

[Bnxybee]

If you wanted to move the sofa or TV, do you check if it’s okay with DH or just go ahead?

We have a relatively small living room with a corner sofa in the middle of it. Behind the sofa is a desk that never gets used and a bookcase with mostly DH’s stuff. There’s also a narrow bookcase at the bottom of the stairs that doesn’t get used and one under the stairs full of DH’s board games (which haven’t been played with since childhood). Overall it’s just not functional because it’s a small space with too much stuff. And there’s not that much room for DS’s toys, etc. Currently keeping his electric scooter and rocking horse in his box bedroom as there’s no room under the stairs. Worth mentioning that he’s terrified of riding the scooter and not at all interested in the rocking horse but I won’t even suggest flogging them on FB as they were presents from DH’s Nan.

Me: “Thinking of rearranging the living room. Maybe getting rid of one of the bookcases and moving the sofa back so there’s more space”.

DH: “No point talking to you about it as you’re just going to go ahead and do it anyway, regardless… Just like when you moved the sofa in the last house.”

The last house had a narrow living room with a fireplace sticking out. We bought a new sofa and DH wanted it sticking out so the (slightly) longer bit was facing the TV. You literally had to squeeze between the fireplace and edge of the sofa to get through. It looked ridiculous so I waited until he’d gone to work and then moved it against the wall. He’s never let me forget! I also put a 10-year-old faux leather pouffe out the garden as there was no room for it in this house. It was damaged anyway but he had a massive strop about it. Basically said I was out of order.

Me: “You know, I don’t think most men react like this when their wives want to move some stuff around”.

DH: “Yeah well most men are whipped”.

Also told me I don’t think things through and just charge ahead without any input from him. We’re supposed to be a team, yada ya.

This is someone who wouldn’t move to a 2-bed house or flat (more within our affordability) because he needed a spare room for his gaming PC and all his other s**t. He refers to this room as his office.

Is anyone else’s DH like this? Totally inflexible and resistant to any sort of change?

AIBU thinking that most husbands wouldn’t give a crap and that he’s just a control freak? Or am I just not a team player?

@Bnxybee Unfortunately, he can’t cope well with any change to his environment. And I find that difficult because I don’t want our house looking like a jumble sale.

Well, unfortunately it just isn’t only his environment. It’s yours and DS’s environment too. He needs to realise that.

If you or he was at home looking after DS and the layout of the furniture was making it difficult it is perfectly reasonable and acceptable for either one of you to remedy that problem even if it is moving furniture around or putting stuff away or clearing out clutter. And you shouldn’t have to wait several hours for the other partner to come home just to consult them or ask their permission. They can give there feedback after the changes have been made, have a discussion and make any modifications when they get back home. It’s not like you moved the couch and superglued it to the floor!

To resent that freedom and initiative that you both should have is immature and controlling.

Right now he is commandeering all of the home as if he is the only person that matters living there. That is not love nor is it caring for you or DS.

He needs to rethink his attitude towards you and DS and the family home. Otherwise, with the way things are and his current attitude, I can’t see how a mutually respectful, healthy relationship can be achieved or maintained.

Goodluck Op, I hope you find a way to have the home-life you and DS deserve. 🌸🌺💐

Me and my oh have a joke that I move the furniture around every 6 months or so and it's so true 😂
I do a deep clean and move everything. He just laughs and helps!

I do.just to seek opinion, by the time I suggest it is usually the best solution for the space but I just want to make sure that everyone is happy with the plan.

The only thing I am running roughshod with is changing the lounge carpet to laminate- but that is because dh and ds have ruined the carpet and I am not replacing with carpet that they can ruin again or continually getting it half crap by cleaning it, they were warned that they needed to take care but they chose not to.

I wouldn’t ask, but my husband probably agrees that he’s whipped. 😂

I let my husband decide on spaces that are totally his (study etc) but I make all other interior design decisions.

I did have to get his help when I decided on a whim to move the heavy bed in one of our guest rooms and got stuck between the bed and the wall.

I think context matters. I wouldn't move anything significant (like a sofa) without speaking to DH but that's partly because I wouldn't like it if he did it. That said, it's moving furniture, not repainting the room lime green, so worst case, you move it back.

Context matters: we spend equal time at home / in the shared spaces and we are also lucky enough to both have our own studies. It sounds like only he has his own space & is also commandeering / dictating the shared space. That's not on and his language (whipped) was out of order too.

Just move the furniture OP. I feel quite stressed visualising it from your description! His rigid behaviour may be a very mild form of hoarding? I can sympathise with this to an extent but, ultimately, this is also your and your child's home and don't underestimate how clutter and poor furniture layouts can affect mood and mental health.

Also, why does he need a whole room for his gaming s**t? Is that not enough? He does not also need to ruin the rest of the house with his old games and stupid furniture layouts.

I have the opposite issue here in that my DH doesn't seem to notice interior surroundings at all. Not sure what's going in or where he's at mentally. Once I bought two new sofas and they were delivered while he was away. He just came home, sat in them and, I'm not joking, has never noticed to this day. Totally different colour and style. This was about two years ago now.

Just move the sofa where you want it and can't he put up some high shelves for his mangy old board games in his "office?"

Yeah well most men are whipped

Urgh. Awful term.
You lost me at this point tbh. Who even talks like this??

First off, he should have the box room and your DS have the office if it’s larger. Kids need more space to play indoors.

His board game collection should move to his new office in the box room.

If unused, the desk and bookcase in the living room should go, and you should find a configuration that suits ALL your needs not just your husband’s. Given your stage of life, a configuration that is appropriate for a young child and the toys and equipment they need is most appropriate. Living room toy storage that looks nice is an essential if you don’t have a playroom.

I wouldn't ask my DH and regularly move things.
I'm in the house most of the time, so it's a unwritten rule that I can move things of it makes it easier for me.

I've just re-arranged my whole kitchen round whilst DH is away. I've mentioned it on the phone, but I've said I'll move it back if he hates it.
I'm half dreading his reaction as I know it's quite major and not sure he'll like it.
It's taken me all day, as I've moved a massive haberdashery cabinet from one room to another and created and island in the kitchen.
In the process it's cleared out loads of stuff and created more storage space, so not all bad.
He does hate change for change sake and would live with the same decor for ever, which is a bone of contention.
Hey ho, roll on tonight.
I've now got to tidy up the other rooms I've trashed in the process ....oops 😬🤣

I am not sure how your voting is supposed to work, but it doesn’t feel like you are a team player, so I go for that one. DH and I would discuss a furniture move and would agree it.

Doesn't really matter whether most husbands would give a crap or not.

Bottom line is he does, and you have plenty of evidence from past experiences that he does. So really, you should talk to him about it first, in the same way that if he was going to mess around with something that you cared about he should discuss it with you first as well.

Does sound from what you have written that he could handle the situation better though.

If you wanted to move the sofa or TV, do you check if it’s okay with DH or just go ahead?

Depends how radical the change is. Mostly he'd just ask if I needed help or should he keep out of the way. I'm in charge of decorating and furnishings as he'd be quite happy with it staying the same forever.