Asking DH before rearranging furniture

[Bnxybee]

If you wanted to move the sofa or TV, do you check if it’s okay with DH or just go ahead?

We have a relatively small living room with a corner sofa in the middle of it. Behind the sofa is a desk that never gets used and a bookcase with mostly DH’s stuff. There’s also a narrow bookcase at the bottom of the stairs that doesn’t get used and one under the stairs full of DH’s board games (which haven’t been played with since childhood). Overall it’s just not functional because it’s a small space with too much stuff. And there’s not that much room for DS’s toys, etc. Currently keeping his electric scooter and rocking horse in his box bedroom as there’s no room under the stairs. Worth mentioning that he’s terrified of riding the scooter and not at all interested in the rocking horse but I won’t even suggest flogging them on FB as they were presents from DH’s Nan.

Me: “Thinking of rearranging the living room. Maybe getting rid of one of the bookcases and moving the sofa back so there’s more space”.

DH: “No point talking to you about it as you’re just going to go ahead and do it anyway, regardless… Just like when you moved the sofa in the last house.”

The last house had a narrow living room with a fireplace sticking out. We bought a new sofa and DH wanted it sticking out so the (slightly) longer bit was facing the TV. You literally had to squeeze between the fireplace and edge of the sofa to get through. It looked ridiculous so I waited until he’d gone to work and then moved it against the wall. He’s never let me forget! I also put a 10-year-old faux leather pouffe out the garden as there was no room for it in this house. It was damaged anyway but he had a massive strop about it. Basically said I was out of order.

Me: “You know, I don’t think most men react like this when their wives want to move some stuff around”.

DH: “Yeah well most men are whipped”.

Also told me I don’t think things through and just charge ahead without any input from him. We’re supposed to be a team, yada ya.

This is someone who wouldn’t move to a 2-bed house or flat (more within our affordability) because he needed a spare room for his gaming PC and all his other s**t. He refers to this room as his office.

Is anyone else’s DH like this? Totally inflexible and resistant to any sort of change?

AIBU thinking that most husbands wouldn’t give a crap and that he’s just a control freak? Or am I just not a team player?

We’re supposed to be a team, yada ya.

well, you are supposed to be a team.

he's right to think there's no point talking to you about it because you waited til he'd gone out and just did it last time.

I think when you both live in a home you should consult each other before a change. I wouldn't want to come home to my lounge changed about. Most people find their home a place of consistency and comfort. He might be an arse but he's not wrong about that particular point, yes you should consult as you both live there. Or at least do it then say I can easily change it back if you don't like it.

If I came home to find DH had rearranged the living room I wouldn't be annoyed, but I would expect to be listened to if I didn't like the new layout or thought it was impractical for some reason. We tend to decide these things together. So I don't think your DH is unreasonable to want a say in where things go in his own home. He seems quite selfish generally though (needing a whole room for his gaming stuff is ridiculous) and the comment about other men being "whipped" makes him sound like a misogynist.

Dh wouldn't have a problem with me moving stuff, he'd prefer I talked to him about it if it involved his stuff. Then he'd tell me to wait until he can help move any big stuff. He would then give me his opinion on where it should go and then I'd explain why his way won't fit but we'd have to try it because he'd be convinced it would fit it won't so he'll put it where I told him

I think your comment about what 'most men...' would or wouldn't do is odd

I agree. in my experience, most men do have opinions about how their homes are arranged, and in a partnership those opinions should carry just as much weight as the woman's. (There are exceptions - e.g. the person who cooks the most gets to decide about arranging kitchen drawers etc.)

I think the idea that 'real men' don't notice or care about interiors is outdated sexist nonsense. Just like the idea that women only care the colour when choosing a car.

YABU about not needing to ask him but he sounds selfish. Why is your child in a boxroom while he gets a proper room? Don’t YOU have a room of your own? Why is his stuff not in his room?
I also have a gamer DP who wants the biggest room in every house we’ve viewed. Fine - but all his shit has to stay in it, while I get the run of the house. If I see anything that belongs to him I’ll put it straight back to his room or toss it out if it keeps reappearing. He’ll learn 😏

YANBU - my husband wouldn’t mind me doing anything in the house, nor would he talk to me like shit!
So your DH has his own room AND keeps his crap in the shared family living space!! If it was me I’d put it all in his room or the bin. While I was at it I would swap his room and DS room if his gaming room was bigger! All in all I would say he is selfish, rude, ignorant and totally immature by saying “whipped” and telling you you don’t think things through.
Just do what you have to to make the living space better for you and your DS.

@Octomore you summed it up better than me. (although now I feel like I need to learn more car related stuff to not let the side down 😂).

Have to agree with your husband. If it’s something as big as lounge room furniture for watching tv (where a lot of people spend a fair amount of time relaxing) I’d be annoyed if someone just move it around without asking.

There is nothing more annoying than people who feel the urge to rearrange or re paint often and the. Rope everyone else into it just to scratch the itch. My Mothers like that, bugs the hell out of me.

Have to agree with your husband too that the only reason a man wouldn’t say if furniture was moved and he preferred it not to be would be because he was whipped. Same for a woman.

@Octomore

Its not just some modern thing either though. I can’t imagine men in the 60’s or 70’s being particularly enthused that their wives had moved the couch in front of the tv to a place they didn’t want it without asking.

Maybe most men wouldn’t care about some small things but the TV couch? Yeah they’d care.
Even if most of the interior is decided by the woman often it’s not like they’ll have nothing they won’t care about or something they can’t abide(painting all walls pink of something).

@Vikinga

Actually he said he considered them whipped for accepting their wife moving things they didn’t want moved without a peep like a good boy. He’s not wrong.

DH: “No point talking to you about it as you’re just going to go ahead and do it anyway, regardless… Just like when you moved the sofa in the last house.”

So, you did try to consult him and this was his response. Just go ahead OP. And put any shite belonging to him (including 'board games not played with since childhood' FFS) in the room he has annexed. He may not be 'whipped' 🙄 but he is a passive aggressive dickhead.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

But she doesn’t want to work together with him. She wants to do what she feels like and have him agree without telling him. Or at best she wants to discuss it and have him agree with whatever she wants. That’s not working together, it’s her doing whatever she feels like.

This would be a total nonissue in my house. Conversation would go something along the lines of:

Me. What do you think about moving the sofa against the wall and getting rid of that bookcase? Could chuck the games upstairs in the cupboard and would give us more space.

Him. Can do. See what it looks like, if it looks weird we'll put it back.

@LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF

Depends if he’s right though doesn’t it? OP mentioned one occasion she has waited till he’s gone out to move things he didn’t want moved. Perhaps she regularly does things like this and what he’s saying is accurate. I can’t believe she cares this much about a one off.

Not sure my DH would even notice. As long as his glasses and book were within reach he really wouldn't care.

Didn’t know which way to vote, but somehow managed to choose men who don’t like change my whole life so now I don’t even bother trying.

@Kara8787

Perhaps, but she did mention it to him this time and his response was childish and unhelpful.

I would view someone putting furniture in the garden as "childish and unhelpful" too.

So he's got an office and the majority of the storage in the living room as well. Meantime your DS has the boxroom and if you dare to move anything he complains so much that you're on MN questioning if it's OK to move stuff in your own house without asking his permission. I don't think it's him that is whipped in your household.

This should be a non-issue. You asked what he thought, you then have a discussion about the best solution. You're both allowed a veto on decoration (e.g. no tiger print stair runner) but I think rearranging communual areas to make them work better is fine and a discussion should just be about the best way forward, no-one should be able to veto making the house work better for everyone. I'd be tempted to put all his junk in his office and rearrange the living room to make it work better for everyone. If he complains offer to buy some nice shelves to improve the storage in his office.

I expect I would have a reasonable decision making process in the first place and like the OP, I would want to get rid of something that was entirely impractical in the space there is. So I would have thrown it out first.

The DH in question seems to own all the available storage in the house, plus his office in which he does gaming, and is entirely resistant to any change. I would be throwing a strop about not being able to make any decisions in my own house, it would drive me mad...

My boyfriend probably wouldn’t even notice and we have a pretty small front room 🙄

I understand but the sofa literally blocked half the living room and it would’ve been difficult to watch DS play with his toys, etc., which were at the other end of the room (couldn’t put them anywhere else). Plus, I’d have had to squeeze through the gap between the sofa and fireplace every time I needed to leave the room. It was totally impractical. He also didn’t discuss it with me. Just said it was going there and that was that. So what’s the difference?

DH has an entire room for his gaming stuff, exercise equipment, fishing stuff, etc, etc. Plus board games and electrical equipment (Nintendo switch and cameras) downstairs in a giant ottoman (because he ran out of room upstairs). DS has a box room and a tiny space under the stairs for his toys and not much room in the living room to play.

In some ways, he’s a very loving and attentive father and husband. Unfortunately, he can’t cope well with any change to his environment. And I find that difficult because I don’t want our house looking like a jumble sale.

why has he gtaken over a whole room when your dc is in a box room-ffs how selfish