Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU or is DP? MIL related

97 replies

BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 19:39

First things first I have changed usernames for this but longtime MN user.

MIL has unfortunately been suffering from some MH issues now for the past couple of months, started off as work related stress and anxiety but has developed quite seriously to the point that around 3 weeks ago she needed a 2 night stay in a specialist hospital. DP is an only child and his mum does not have a partner but has support from her sisters who live round the corner whereas we live around 40 mins away so when all this started, she asked her sister not to tell us what was happening as she didn't want to worry my DP.
The updates we would get at first were "she's doing ok" and when DP arranged to go and visit she would end up cancelling last minute. He would then ask his aunt if she thought he should just go anyway to be told, "if she said she doesn't want you to go, don't go and potentially stress her out more by ignoring her wishes". The day she ended up in hospital we didn't find out until she was already there when his aunt reluctantly told him. Since coming out of hospital DP has kept more in touch with her and she seemed to be making positive progress.

Last weekend we were visiting friends over near to where his mum lives so we had arranged to visit her with the DC first. This was cancelled by MIL on the morning of our visit but as we were already over that way on the afternoon, I encouraged DP to pop over anyway whilst I stayed with our friends and the DC.

On the way home that evening DP told me that for the foreseeable future he would be travelling over on a Friday afternoon to stay with her and returning on a Sunday evening. It wasn't a discussion I was just told what would be happening with no say. She's lonely apparently but does not want me nor the DC there with him. Now that Friday is approaching I am feeling a mix of upset and anxiety that he's doing this.
We both work fulltime in quite stressful jobs, our DC are in fulltime childcare Mon-Fri, I really look forwards to our weekends as we tend to spend a day together doing things as a family and another catching up on housework and life admin. This weekend I am left alone with our toddler DS and my older DD. To slightly add to the stress it's DD's birthday next week and I was planning on spending some time this weekend prepping for that.

I really want to be supportive and obviously make sure his mum is OK, but does he really need to go all weekend?! I feel like he's putting MIL ahead of me and our DC. The thought that this may not be the only time going forward also really hurts. I also suffer with anxiety that is exacerbated when I feel overwhelmed which this weekend is potentially going to do.

YABU - It's his mum, he needs to do what he needs to do regardless of the impact
YANBU - A one day visit would suffice and he needs to remember to take his immediate family's feelings into account too

Fully prepared to be told IABU, but also any advice of how to handle this would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

luxxlisbon · 21/07/2022 19:45

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a full weekend, she’s just out of hospital so it’s a pretty serious situation and not just your average weekend.
It’s not necessarily something that is fair for lots of weekends in a row but 2 or so to help his mum recover isn’t too much to ask imo.
I had to do a lot of solo weekends while my DH cared for his DM with cancer. It was shit but we all just needed to crack on.

girlmom21 · 21/07/2022 19:48

He is putting MIL ahead of you because she needs him more than you do right now.

Discovereads · 21/07/2022 19:49

YABU, his mum has had a MH crisis and been in hospital. There is nothing wrong with temporary support from her only child. If this had been every weekend for months, and she had recovered you’d be right. But it’s never a case of who comes “first” at all times in family. It’s often a case of who needs you the most at the time. His mum needs some extra support now, it would be wrong to frame this as choosing her over you and the DC.

REignbow · 21/07/2022 19:52

So he’s told you that for the foreseeable future that EVERY weekend he will be staying with his mum and that SHE doesn’t want you or her GC to come over….

She is an adult and your DP has a partner and DC. There is being supportive to her needs, but there needs to be a balance.

It is not your DP’s fault that she is single and lonely. Why does he feel the need to be in a way a partner to her.

WalkingOnSonshine · 21/07/2022 19:52

A one off, fine but not for the foreseeable future.

Hes basically checking out of family life.

REignbow · 21/07/2022 19:53

I would suggest that he spends Friday night and then comes back on Saturday afternoon. Maybe then change it the following week.

BeyondMyWits · 21/07/2022 19:55

He needs a gentle reminder that he is a dad and cannot abandon his children "every weekend for the foreseeable future", especially if working all week means he sees little of them. Personally would suggest he returns home for Sunday lunchtime.

CantaloupeMelon · 21/07/2022 19:56

My DH is also currently supporting his mum through a difficult time (although her health issues are physical rather than mental).

He and I agreed that he would stay with her for one weekend in every three for the foreseeable future. That seems a reasonable compromise between supporting her but not neglecting me and our DC.

So I think YANBU.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 21/07/2022 19:56

If the foreseeable future is the next 2-4 weeks, that would be fine. But any longer (ie long term) and he will need to take account of the effect on his wife and children.

ChocolateCakeYum · 21/07/2022 19:57

As a short term solution I see no problem with this.

Any longer than a few months I’d be having words. He’s not Prozac or her husband and he won’t magically make her better. She needs proper care by trained professionals by the sounds of it.

Riverlee · 21/07/2022 19:59

One or two weekends, but not every weekend and not all all weekend, and if you have a weekend birthday celebration, he shouldn’t be missing this. After the first couple of weekends, then maybe day visits.

Meraas · 21/07/2022 20:03

Er, fuck that for a game of soldiers. For the foreseeable future?! That could be months so not sure why people think it’s 2 weekends.

He gets to spend all day chilling ‘helping’ his mum whist you do childcare? It doesn’t work like that, he has a commitment to his children too.

Put your foot down now, OP. Yes, he should supprt his mum but this is takimg the piss.

11Hawkins · 21/07/2022 20:05

She needs him more than you right this moment, she was in hospital. I'm sure you can cope with DC, and remember it won't be forever.

GlitteryGreen · 21/07/2022 20:05

I think he's out of order...you are only 40 mins away, he could go and spend the whole day on Saturday there every week 'for the foreseeable future' without leaving everything to you.

I'd understand if it was 'just for the next couple of weekends' or something, but it sounds like this could be much longer term and it's really not fair when he has children at home that he's a) not spending time with and b) leaving you to care for alone after working all week.

Did MIL give a reason for not even wanting to see her grandchildren on the weekends?

GoldenSpiral · 21/07/2022 20:08

No way would I put up with this for an unknown period of time. I would push back and say that a one night stay for the next 2 - 4 weekends is fine, then it needs to go down to day visits.

Frogium · 21/07/2022 20:14

YABVU. And selfish. She is his family too, and she has just been out of the hospital.

Discovereads · 21/07/2022 20:17

@GlitteryGreen
Did MIL give a reason for not even wanting to see her grandchildren on the weekends?

Most people just out of a mental hospital are not stable enough or ready to be around children. She probably is not up to it MH wise and understandably doesnt want to expose young children to the stark face of mental illness.

GlitteryGreen · 21/07/2022 20:18

Frogium · 21/07/2022 20:14

YABVU. And selfish. She is his family too, and she has just been out of the hospital.

But MIL is saying she's lonely yet has specified OP and children aren't welcome to even join their dad there? She must realise her son also has a family at home who'd like to see him over the weekend.

Penguinfeather781 · 21/07/2022 20:21

I’d be upset at it being presented as a done deal - I’d expect discussion not dictation.

I think it’s reasonable for him to go this weekend and, if it helps her, for him to go some (not all) weekends in the short term. She’s just out of hospital, she’s his mother. But with an eye on an exit plan - if she’s lonely, he should be looking to see if he can get her engaged in the community (can he find a group she’d like to join, offer to go with her to a class/rambling group etc), I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to just become her only source of weekend company.

But I think he’s entitled to your support in this, at least for the next few weekends- if you struggle with your mental health surely you can sympathise with her. And surely you can see support and consideration of feelings in a marriage goes both ways.

Mally100 · 21/07/2022 20:21

WalkingOnSonshine · 21/07/2022 19:52

A one off, fine but not for the foreseeable future.

Hes basically checking out of family life.

This. He also has responsibilities to his family- you and the kids. He can't just check out like that and spend no time with you all indefinitely. I wouldn't be happy or supporting this at all. Your mil might become dependent on this arrangement and eventually harder to break. If he was suggesting once a month, then I think that's OK but every single weekend indefinitely? Nah, that's not ok.

Mally100 · 21/07/2022 20:21

Frogium · 21/07/2022 20:14

YABVU. And selfish. She is his family too, and she has just been out of the hospital.

Did you completely intentionally ignore that he said this is an indefinite arrangement every single weekend

Quitelikeit · 21/07/2022 20:22

I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle of what he has proposed. Tell him you are in firm agreement about this weekend but thereafter suggest a Saturday night maybe or Friday?

Original poster

BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 20:34

Thank you for all the responses, I really do appreciate them.
I understand that those that are saying she has just come out of hospital, and although this is the case she has been at home/staying with her sister for a few weeks and has been managing better on an increased dose of medication. DP has been over to see her a couple of times since she has came out of hospital for afternoon visits and said that she seemed to be coping a lot better and seemed to be moving in the right direction which is why I feel this announcement has come out of the blue.

I could cope with knowing it would be 2 or 3 full weekends and then down to daytime visits but when pressed on how long this would go on for he told me it would be for as long as it takes. Which is probably where my feelings are coming from, I feel like this will massively impact all of us if this continues past the next couple of months.
He is already making tentative plans for when we have weekend events that we've booked together over the next month or two, to meet me at the location and then return back to hers afterwards.

OP posts:

SuperCamp · 21/07/2022 20:37

As a short term thing while she stabilises fine.

But he really can’t get caught up in a habit that she comes to rely on.

40 mins is no distance away. Day and half day visits are much more reasonable in the longer term.

It isn’t good to lay down a ‘rule’ that becomes the default, especially that she doesn’t see her grandchildren!

I guess for now he is alarmed and shocked and probably feeling guilty (though not his fault that it was kept from him) that he wasn’t there when she was hospitalised.

Try and lead him to coming to his own conclusion that you and his children need him.

Original poster

BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 20:39

To the poster who asked why she doesn't want to see her GC or me, she doesn't feel up to it which I completely respect. I think it's a shame as prior to her falling ill she loved spending time with them and was always asking us to go over more. However I understand that she may not be in the right frame of mind to enjoy their company, the eldest is old enough to know something is going on but the toddler probably won't understand why Grandma doesn't want to play with him.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4