AIBU or is DP? MIL related

[BlueJaysandHedgehogs]

First things first I have changed usernames for this but longtime MN user.

MIL has unfortunately been suffering from some MH issues now for the past couple of months, started off as work related stress and anxiety but has developed quite seriously to the point that around 3 weeks ago she needed a 2 night stay in a specialist hospital. DP is an only child and his mum does not have a partner but has support from her sisters who live round the corner whereas we live around 40 mins away so when all this started, she asked her sister not to tell us what was happening as she didn't want to worry my DP.
The updates we would get at first were "she's doing ok" and when DP arranged to go and visit she would end up cancelling last minute. He would then ask his aunt if she thought he should just go anyway to be told, "if she said she doesn't want you to go, don't go and potentially stress her out more by ignoring her wishes". The day she ended up in hospital we didn't find out until she was already there when his aunt reluctantly told him. Since coming out of hospital DP has kept more in touch with her and she seemed to be making positive progress.

Last weekend we were visiting friends over near to where his mum lives so we had arranged to visit her with the DC first. This was cancelled by MIL on the morning of our visit but as we were already over that way on the afternoon, I encouraged DP to pop over anyway whilst I stayed with our friends and the DC.

On the way home that evening DP told me that for the foreseeable future he would be travelling over on a Friday afternoon to stay with her and returning on a Sunday evening. It wasn't a discussion I was just told what would be happening with no say. She's lonely apparently but does not want me nor the DC there with him. Now that Friday is approaching I am feeling a mix of upset and anxiety that he's doing this.
We both work fulltime in quite stressful jobs, our DC are in fulltime childcare Mon-Fri, I really look forwards to our weekends as we tend to spend a day together doing things as a family and another catching up on housework and life admin. This weekend I am left alone with our toddler DS and my older DD. To slightly add to the stress it's DD's birthday next week and I was planning on spending some time this weekend prepping for that.

I really want to be supportive and obviously make sure his mum is OK, but does he really need to go all weekend?! I feel like he's putting MIL ahead of me and our DC. The thought that this may not be the only time going forward also really hurts. I also suffer with anxiety that is exacerbated when I feel overwhelmed which this weekend is potentially going to do.

YABU - It's his mum, he needs to do what he needs to do regardless of the impact
YANBU - A one day visit would suffice and he needs to remember to take his immediate family's feelings into account too

Fully prepared to be told IABU, but also any advice of how to handle this would be much appreciated.

It doesn't sound like she is elderly though, she has had a breakdown don't anxiety from a stressful jon so she is still working age.

He needs to remember he has a child and partner and although his mum needs him maybe more at the moment, he can't completely not be there for the rest of his family. Tell him for the first couple of weeks no problem, but then it must start to balance out so a shorter weekend or every other or something. This is for his good too, he will burn himself out mentally if he tries to work full time and is with his mum every weekend with no down time. It is also unfair on your children to have them suddenly hardly see Daddy at all.

I don't think distance is an issue at all for day visits at the weekend, my parents live 1h15 away and come up at least once a week to look after my child for the day and we visit them for the day, it's really not that long. Maybe as time goes on you could all go together to spend the day in the area and he could pop in while there.

A couple of times a week?

How does that work when there are children and everyone works full time? The journey time is 1h 20m with no traffic alone.

All I can say is that I’m forever grateful for the number of times my dh stepped up and dealt with the kids and house when I had to drop everything to help my parents due to their ill health which led to a lot of crises over the years. There were a lot of periods where this was very intense, and it did lead to me “checking out” of family time for long periods of time, but he did it and didn’t bear any grudges, and we now have very well rounded adult children.

For the posters suggesting sheltered accommodation or the like, I really don't feel this is the answer, she's only in her mid 60s so by no means elderly. And I doubt she would be keen on the idea either.
A few years back when we moved to our current house we floated the idea of her looking to move closer to us, she seemed keen initially but then when she realised how far she would be away from her sisters she decided it wouldn't be for her which I respect and understand.

DP has just left to go to MIL's, I said my goodbyes and told him to give her my love. But after he left I did have a little cry, I appreciate that he needs to be there for his mum and I am trying to be supportive to that. However I have feelings too, I won't let him know right now how I feel because as a lot of posters have said, she needs him more right now but I am sad.

I mean, I can see where he's coming from, I pretty much abandoned DH and the kids for four months when my mum was in a hospital then a hospice with cancer. I spent every spare minute I had there and DH happily stepped up to be essentially a single parent for the time.

But then, that was different as she was dying.

I imagine he is scared, his mum had had a mental health crisis and he wants to be there to support her.

I very much agree with a previous poster in that he won't be able to make long term plans right now as he genuinely doesn't know the outcome. Let him do what he needs to do for a few weeks/a month then sit him down and gently re-visit things. I think it speaks well of him to be wanting to care for his mum. Many men I hear of on here would delegate that to their wives on top of their normal childcare/work duties!

He is opting out of his parental responsibilities then?
And his marital ones. She might be nutty but why do you and dcs need to suffer?

Because of the joy of wifework. Someone somewhere needs help therefore = vagina owner stepping in to manage

OP, I would not accept this and I would nip it in the bud right now. This could on for not just months, but years. Your DC will grow up without having grown up with their father on the weekends. He is being selfish.

I would be fucking furious with not being consulted, just being told. You sound like you're a doormat to be honest. He is in a marriage, or at least a relationship you say DP so I presume you're not married, so he's obviously not committed to you clearly by his actions and not being married means it's easier for him to come and go from family life like this. I would tell him that you are not prepared to have every single weekend possibly for years go on like this, and he needs to choose say, once a month - once every two weeks at most, or else he can move in with his mother permanently and I would end the relationship. This is absolutely ridiculous, you need him. Your DC need him. His mother already has sisters near her. He cannot afford to do this to you and your family and treat you this way. You need to give him an ultimatum or walk, because I can promise you that will go on for a year or 2 at least. What he is doing to you is wrong and unfair. Your his family. He has children and has responsibilities. He needs to make a choice and you need to grow a backbone and put a stop to this right now.

@BlueJaysandHedgehogs - if not sheltered accommodation, there has to be some alternative to investigate and see if she might be eligible for or that might work for everyone caught up here.
So she wants to live close to her sisters? Ok...but then she can't expect your DH (a.k.a. her son) to drop everything in his family because she has a panic attack.
She wants to see her son? Ok...then she can't expect to live so far away from him that it involves a whole weekend away from his family.
There has to be some happy medium that would work for everyone here, for her, for you, for your kids and for your DH who is caught like piggy in the middle. He hasn't dealt with this situation very well but I do think he's be caught in the middle here.

@BlueJaysandHedgehogs hows it going op

I am surprised at some comments. YANBU. Your DH should prioritise his children and wife over his mother. He cannot solve her loneliness for her, and she has sisters locally anyway. Finally whatever his plans he should have discussed with you and reached agreement on what is reasonable - is current plan is not reasonable. Just tell him it is totally unacceptable to you and totally unfair on the children.

He needs to support his Mum and his family.
All weekend is unreasonable.
How about he pops over 1 evening in the week, maybe take her supper? And then Friday night into Saturday, but come back in time to spend time with you and the children in the evening and spend Sunday together too.

I think this would be fairer.

Your DH's anxiety about this has been pushed to the limit by the approach which was to deny there was anything wrong, then the aunts leaking it out slowly, culminating in the hospital stay, so he's had to dig and dig to get to find out what is going on and now feels extremely Guity. for not acing sooner, but could not have done since he wasn't being given the full information.
Its fair for him to visit more often when she's just out of the hospital, but I suspect Friday to Sunday for the foreseeable future will prove to be a big strain on your own family week in week out.
Your MIL does have sisters around the corner as well as your DH to rely on . I think he should have a talk with them about being more forthcoming about the actuality of the situation - it would make him less anxious if he can trust that they will keep him informed of any real emergency. Best of luck

OP sheltered housing is for ages 55 upwards so your mum in law well falls within that age range.

Your MIL has had mental health crises and is bereaved and intensely lonely, she is a prime candidate for sheltered housing or extra care schemes - please look these up in your local authority and local borough housing
Having a close contact and with her history of a stay in MH unit, she would be given a reasonable priority - which may be quick depending on where you live. On our area she would get extra care scheme Place offer (bedsit or small flat) within 3-6 months

Also contact adult care services (social services) for an assessment as they can offer support or advice and information

Do you seriously think helping an elderly parent who's just been hospitalised because of a mental health crisis is "chilling"?

Whole weekend is too much he has a family too. Friday night come back Saturday afternoon is a good compromise

It’s 40mins away, this is shorter than many many people’s daily commute. Why on earth would he need to be there the whole weekend, what overnight care does she need?
If it were me I’d be suggesting he works at hers mid week for company but is home at bedtimes and overnight. And then perhaps he can pop in for coffee or lunch, or the odd evening during the weekend if it fits with the children’s needs.

@gannett well she's not elderly for a start, she's still of working age. And really how much care do you think she needs? When I had a mental health crisis, I needed someone just to make me a sandwich and do the washing up but there was v little they could practically do. It really was just chilling out with me and watching TV.

Thank you for checking in, it's erm been interesting. DP came home on the Sunday evening as planned. That evening we had a chat about it, he said his mum seemed fine, they went out for walks, he even took her to the pub for a drink, he was really optimistic about her recovery. I did raise that I wasn't happy that I was just told it was happening rather than it being something we talked about beforehand. I would never tell him he couldn't go but it would have been nice for him to say "I think I'm going to do this, will that be OK?" He seemed unhappy with me saying that but when I explained that he would react the same if roles were reversed then he understood and did apologise for not involving me in the decision.
We made plans for him to go back last weekend Friday to either Saturday evening or early Sunday morning depending on how she was feeling. With a view to then take it week by week rather than making big decisions weeks in advance. All was well until the Thursday when his aunt text to say she'd gone into hospital again.

He wasn't able to speak to his mum directly till the Friday, she said she didn't want him to see her in there and didn't think she would be there for long. He went over on Saturday to visit her. She said she's feeling exhausted and struggling to cope but doesn't understand why. She's frustrated with the nurses and doctors asking her why she thinks she is feeling this way. She thought she was going to come out on Sunday and DP was going to head back over to spend a couple of days with her midweek. However she ended up being kept in and she's still there now. DP has been going into the hospital for visiting times and is currently there now. We don't really know when she will be coming out.

I think DP is struggling with it now too, he's not sleeping well at all which is unlike him. I am just trying to keep it all together here. We've managed to have a nice few days annual leave this week where we have done some things as a family. Just trying to take it day by day.

Having read your update @BlueJaysandHedgehogs , I believe that your MiL is in the best place possible for her current situation. She is having some sort of mental health/stress related/anxiety issue that neither you nor your DH can fix, but medical professionals can help her with them.
You can support your DH by being there for him but he has to understand that he cannot 'fix' his mother, no matter how much time he spends with her or whatever he might end up doing. She clearly needs support and perhaps now is a good time to suggest that your DH research some form of support in the community as your MiL is clearly under a lot of stress (sources of which are not your DH's to sort out or to fix for his mother).
I'd imagine that your DH doesn't know what to do which is adding to his stress and his sleep pattern which is impacting on you and your kids lives.

I really do wish you all the best in trying to get this sorted together, for your MiL initially and then for your DH.