AIBU or is DP? MIL related

[BlueJaysandHedgehogs]

First things first I have changed usernames for this but longtime MN user.

MIL has unfortunately been suffering from some MH issues now for the past couple of months, started off as work related stress and anxiety but has developed quite seriously to the point that around 3 weeks ago she needed a 2 night stay in a specialist hospital. DP is an only child and his mum does not have a partner but has support from her sisters who live round the corner whereas we live around 40 mins away so when all this started, she asked her sister not to tell us what was happening as she didn't want to worry my DP.
The updates we would get at first were "she's doing ok" and when DP arranged to go and visit she would end up cancelling last minute. He would then ask his aunt if she thought he should just go anyway to be told, "if she said she doesn't want you to go, don't go and potentially stress her out more by ignoring her wishes". The day she ended up in hospital we didn't find out until she was already there when his aunt reluctantly told him. Since coming out of hospital DP has kept more in touch with her and she seemed to be making positive progress.

Last weekend we were visiting friends over near to where his mum lives so we had arranged to visit her with the DC first. This was cancelled by MIL on the morning of our visit but as we were already over that way on the afternoon, I encouraged DP to pop over anyway whilst I stayed with our friends and the DC.

On the way home that evening DP told me that for the foreseeable future he would be travelling over on a Friday afternoon to stay with her and returning on a Sunday evening. It wasn't a discussion I was just told what would be happening with no say. She's lonely apparently but does not want me nor the DC there with him. Now that Friday is approaching I am feeling a mix of upset and anxiety that he's doing this.
We both work fulltime in quite stressful jobs, our DC are in fulltime childcare Mon-Fri, I really look forwards to our weekends as we tend to spend a day together doing things as a family and another catching up on housework and life admin. This weekend I am left alone with our toddler DS and my older DD. To slightly add to the stress it's DD's birthday next week and I was planning on spending some time this weekend prepping for that.

I really want to be supportive and obviously make sure his mum is OK, but does he really need to go all weekend?! I feel like he's putting MIL ahead of me and our DC. The thought that this may not be the only time going forward also really hurts. I also suffer with anxiety that is exacerbated when I feel overwhelmed which this weekend is potentially going to do.

YABU - It's his mum, he needs to do what he needs to do regardless of the impact
YANBU - A one day visit would suffice and he needs to remember to take his immediate family's feelings into account too

Fully prepared to be told IABU, but also any advice of how to handle this would be much appreciated.

It depends, doesn't it? The odd few days/evenings then fine but 'every weekend for the foreseeable future' would worry me. Rod and back are words that spring to mind.

Do not underestimate how needy people can become as they age. I say this with a Mum well into her 80s who also has problems with stress and anxiety. It is VERY wearing.

Lots of great advice over on the Elderly Parents board. Please have a read. I suggest you start on this path as you mean to go on. Lots of people have put their life on hold/let their parents move in and bitterly regret it.

She's mid 60's so I am vaguely aware that this may become ongoing for many years although I hope with the right professional help and support from us all she will stabilise.

Yes for a couple of weekends and even every now and then. But for the foreseeable future no. He can't just go off every weekend when he has small children. That isn't sustainable for anyone.

Sacrificial guilt syndrome of an only child. He's just worried sick.

I'm pretty sure his wekends with MUm will be hard going and he'll very soon be longing for a relaxing weekend with you and the kids

Why not let it run for two weekends. THEN say " We really miss you, can you please stay here next weekend ? Then we need to make a proper plan so you have some regular downtime with me and the kids".

40 minutes is not far enough for it to need to be full weekends ? I would be seriously worried if he starts this she will not let it go and will become dependant on it..

Mental health illness is horrible to have and to deal with but it can make people very selfish and fear of loneliness can easily lead to emotional manipulation....

. I sympathise with her MH issues, I have been there and know how awful it can be, but I can't help wondering how this will effect my own mental health if this continues for the foreseeable future like he has suggested.

You need to tell him this. It's important that he knows how this is affecting or potentially affecting you.

I'm curious about the change in your Mil from cancelling plans to now being dependent on your DH.

Does your DH have any understanding about it being unhelpful for his mum to become completely dependent on him? Even seeing her every weekend won't fulfill her and it likely will get in the way of her accessing other support.

OP it might seem ‘indefinite’ because he wants to help and he probably doesn’t want to put a time limit on it as it’s his mum and the situation is so fresh, but give it 2-3 weeks and everything might have changed. She might have been discharged to home on the understanding that there was family to help. Meds take a few weeks to work properly.

She was discharged a few weeks ago and has been living at home or with her sister. And the 'D'H is already telling OP that he won't be fully available for plans made some time ago for the next two months. Instead he'll 'meet her there [having gone from hid mother's] and then go back to his mum's after.

I wouldn't be at all happy OP. the lack of discussion, the 'for the foreseeable future' and the 'as long as it takes'. He doesn't get to unilaterally leave you as the default childcare (and no doubt cook, cleaner, laundrywoman, bill payer etc as well).

Have you asked him what exactly his function will be while he's there?

I'd also be worried when he does come back it will be a 'hail wondrous warrior' attitude when he can back out of responsibilities because he's been such a hero with his mum.

So she’s been out of hospital for weeks, is getting better, and has her sister’s support, but he wants to stay with her all of every weekend for the foreseeable future? Sorry, that isn’t someone supporting his mum through a crisis. It sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to get away from being a parent to his own kids every weekend, and live like a bachelor, while you cope with everything at home on your own.

Sorry OP, I missed this, this was me.

I completely get that she may not feel up to spending a lot of time with the children at the moment, however I still think she's being unfair to accept your DH spending the whole weekend, every weekend, with her knowing that it means he's not spending any time with his own children or wife.

But obviously ultimately it's down to your DH to sort it out so both parties needs can be met. He could head over Saturday morning, stay the night and then come home to you on the Sunday morning. Seems to me like he's just panicked at seeing the condition she's in and gone overboard with what he's offered.

Could you negotiate he goes saturday morning and comes home sunday dinner time?

I think her cancelling plans is her way of not wanting DP to see her when she is feeling down and at her worst, I think she doesn't want him to worry. But then having seen her I think it's DP, who has insisted on this arrangement to both me and MIL. She says she's lonely so he thinks the best option is to spend his weekends with her.
I very much worry about the complete dependency that this could create, prior to this happening DP would generally take the children over every 2-3 weeks for an afternoon on the weekend around her working pattern. It worked out that every other visit I would go with them, we would stay overnight a lot too, especially if we were combining it with visits to friends nearby and were going to be out till near to the DC's bedtimes. She generally seemed happy with this especially as she worked most weekends anyway. She rarely visited us and I don't think she would start doing this in the future either as she doesn't drive and although only 1 direct train journey away I got the impression that she didn't enjoy doing this on the one occasion she tried it. If she came to us it would either be with one of her sisters who drove her or me or DP would drive over, pick her up and bring her back and do the same to take her home.
Bit long winded but what I am trying to come to is future thinking, I don't want to be in a situation where we plan our weekends around visiting her every weekend because a dependency on seeing her son has been created when it was never there before this.

I can't understand why your DP hasn't visited more often before now to be honest. I understand his mum didn't initially share the extent of her issues, but she's been out of hospital for a few weeks and this is the first time you've visited, and only because you happened to be in the area?? She's only 40 minutes away - very much a short enough journey to be able to go there and back at least a couple of times a week.

I won't let this happen, this would be a deal breaker to our relationship. As a temporary situation I will take on the lionshare because as upsetting as I find it I understand he is probably struggling with the situation too, but outside of that we will go back to relative normality. Our relationship is an equal partnership.

Give it a couple of weekends. He might be feeling an immediate pull, but once he's been there for a weekend or two, he may very well come to the conclusion himself that this isn't sustainable and he isn't getting to spend time with you and his kids.

I think if you start saying you aren't happy, he'll back himself into a position where he has to defend his right to stay with his Mum and then potentially feel like he has to keep to it or otherwise look like he's backing down. I don't know his personality type and he might not be that type at all, but just saying, sometimes it's harder to back down when you've had a row with someone about something, even if you end up knowing they were right. It can be a pride thing.

Also if it gets back to his Mum that you aren't happy, she may well dig her heels in, or she may well send him away - either way you'll be the bad guy.

You just never know how these things will play out. So my advice would be to smile and say 'of course, gosh I hope she feels better soon, I'm here for you' and give it a couple of weekends. During those weekends make sure you plan fun things. Go visit your family, friends and take the kids out on nice days out.

If it doesn't look like it's changing then have the convo, but I just wouldn't immediately - let him do what he has to do for a couple of weekends and then see. Like I say, you may find he just reaches the conclusion himself and feels like he's missing out on his kids and he may well cut down from all weekend to one night.

Or you may find it's not actually that bad. You just don't know but start out supportive and kick the conversation to a few weeks down the road xx

I think since she has been ill it's been because she hasn't wanted us to visit, she is very private and I think she doesn't want us to see her like that or worry. I don't agree with that, but when DP has been texting his aunt saying "she's cancelled me seeing her again" his aunt has basically told him not to just turn up and respect her wishes.

Prior to her mental health illness, you're right we didn't visit probably as much as on the surface it seems we should but, she always worked in shift patterns (7-3 or 2-10), her days off were always midweek, and 40 minutes away is with no traffic. With 2 major motorways needed for the journey, if we did a midweek evening visit after work we would leave home at half 5 and probably not get to hers till around 6:45, with young children this just isn't practical.
She has always been more than welcome to visit us on her days off but she isn't keen on the journey using public transport.

I agree with @907097gjlj , for ongoing visits for the "foreseeable future" if he is able to work from home or if his mum's is commutable from hers, him staying during the week would be easier all round.

We have something similar with my MIL. Initially my husband and I went every weekend after work. I barely saw my own family and friends and after 18 months we were both entirely burnt out and at each other's throats. We have a great relationship but it was pushed to absolute breaking point.

Now my husband goes midweek and we go on sporadic weekends. It works much better and we still have much needed downtime at the weekend.

In short term YABU, suck it up after all you would expect the reverse if if was your parents.

but it this is a long term thing YANBU and chores like housework and child activities have to happen during the week only and split 50/50.

He maybe be worried about his mum, but it's not an excuse to check out of family life.

Would a ( very) part-time carer be an option? Someone who comes in for a chat, a bit of housework, takes her out shopping or wherever she needs to be, checks on her meds. Maybe 2 x 4 hour shifts a week ? It's not cheap but if you get a lovely carer they can make a world of difference.

With the weekends, I would leave the next 2 as all weekend then drop to one night overnight only, for a month if needed. After that if she really is no better then other options will have to be looked at - moving nearer to you, a retirement village with on call nurses etc.

I actually feel bad for your DH.
He’s got two women in his life, pulling at him. One, the mother of his children, the other his mother.
It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation no matter what he does or doesn’t do.
He no doubt is doing what he feels is the right thing right now, and it won’t last forever.
I’d cut him some slack. He’s certainly under enormous pressure, no fault of his own.

It does seem odd that that he has announced this as a fait accompli without any discussion with you, and consideration from him on how it will impact your family life.
On the one hand he's a great son for caring so much and she has been through a very difficult time, but how much has she been instrumental in her current situation? I mean when you have suggested she enrich her life with classes and getting out and about a bit more she has mocked this and is now reliant on a small circle of family and friends, so she's taken no responsibility for herself and is now putting the responsibility on her son. I imagine that his initial rush of concern will wear a bit thin and he'll re-evaluate the situation very quickly and miss you and the children, or maybe he's using it as a bit of an escape clause? She may well recover quite quickly as a result of him being there and you'll all be welcome again.

It sounds like your MiL could benefit greatly from living in a sheltered/secured accommodation for the elderly and not live alone at home any more.
She needs someone to check in on her daily and ensure that she eats well but your DH can't do that in a weekend.

I would use the time that he is away (for the first couple of weekends) to gather your thoughts (and gather the required information) and then tell him that a conversation needs to be had.

• He can't check-out of his responsibilities with his kids and with you without having a discussion about it first.


• She needs proper care and attention and no matter how much time he would decide he feels he has to (under some misguided guilt factor or whatever), it won't be enough so, as a family, you've got to come up with a suitable plan, and then present him with the information you've pulled together over the past few weeks for sheltered secured housing etc.


• She's getting older and that isn't going to change but how you both deal with her care should change because it impacts on the whole family, not just him.

That's what I would do. Get your information together and then have a conversation. Contact the council to get what you need and any other agency you think might be able to help.

I think you should suck it up for a finite amount of time and then he should start to reduce it, eg as you say go on the Friday but come back Saturday evening. And eventually start to alternate weeks.

Or he could go Thursday evening to Saturday evening.

I would also say he should fund a cleaner to help ease the domestic burden since he os no longer pulling his weight at home.