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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP? MIL related

97 replies

BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 19:39

First things first I have changed usernames for this but longtime MN user.

MIL has unfortunately been suffering from some MH issues now for the past couple of months, started off as work related stress and anxiety but has developed quite seriously to the point that around 3 weeks ago she needed a 2 night stay in a specialist hospital. DP is an only child and his mum does not have a partner but has support from her sisters who live round the corner whereas we live around 40 mins away so when all this started, she asked her sister not to tell us what was happening as she didn't want to worry my DP.
The updates we would get at first were "she's doing ok" and when DP arranged to go and visit she would end up cancelling last minute. He would then ask his aunt if she thought he should just go anyway to be told, "if she said she doesn't want you to go, don't go and potentially stress her out more by ignoring her wishes". The day she ended up in hospital we didn't find out until she was already there when his aunt reluctantly told him. Since coming out of hospital DP has kept more in touch with her and she seemed to be making positive progress.

Last weekend we were visiting friends over near to where his mum lives so we had arranged to visit her with the DC first. This was cancelled by MIL on the morning of our visit but as we were already over that way on the afternoon, I encouraged DP to pop over anyway whilst I stayed with our friends and the DC.

On the way home that evening DP told me that for the foreseeable future he would be travelling over on a Friday afternoon to stay with her and returning on a Sunday evening. It wasn't a discussion I was just told what would be happening with no say. She's lonely apparently but does not want me nor the DC there with him. Now that Friday is approaching I am feeling a mix of upset and anxiety that he's doing this.
We both work fulltime in quite stressful jobs, our DC are in fulltime childcare Mon-Fri, I really look forwards to our weekends as we tend to spend a day together doing things as a family and another catching up on housework and life admin. This weekend I am left alone with our toddler DS and my older DD. To slightly add to the stress it's DD's birthday next week and I was planning on spending some time this weekend prepping for that.

I really want to be supportive and obviously make sure his mum is OK, but does he really need to go all weekend?! I feel like he's putting MIL ahead of me and our DC. The thought that this may not be the only time going forward also really hurts. I also suffer with anxiety that is exacerbated when I feel overwhelmed which this weekend is potentially going to do.

YABU - It's his mum, he needs to do what he needs to do regardless of the impact
YANBU - A one day visit would suffice and he needs to remember to take his immediate family's feelings into account too

Fully prepared to be told IABU, but also any advice of how to handle this would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
AllFreeOwls · 21/07/2022 20:40

Some weekends as sorry I agree with. All weekend for the foreseeable future? No, he's checking out of family life.

AllFreeOwls · 21/07/2022 20:40

Some weekends as sorry I agree with. All weekend for the foreseeable future? No, he's checking out of family life.

Steakcutchipswithsteak · 21/07/2022 20:42

I don't see what's left of your marriage if he is away every weekend indefinately. A couple of weekends (like 2 or 3), sure. More than that then you're a lone mum and might as well make it official. Maybe give it two weeks to settle tge dust and talk to him again. If he doesn't prioritise his own family then there's no point staying together imo.

Cocowatermelon · 21/07/2022 20:46

Give it a month OP, then tell him he needs to reduce the time spent with his mum and increase the time spent with you and your children - perhaps an overnight with his mum on Fridays then back to yours for Saturday afternoon in time to do something together and Sunday always with you - then keep that as the sustainable pattern for a longer period.
There’s no point discussing it further right now. He’s panicking about his mum and probably feeling guilty for underestimating the seriousness of the situation for so long.
Long term his plan is not compatible with family life. But he can’t think that far ahead at the moment. So YANBU, but you need to give him time to come round to that conclusion on his own.

Original poster
BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 20:49

Penguinfeather781 · 21/07/2022 20:21

I’d be upset at it being presented as a done deal - I’d expect discussion not dictation.

I think it’s reasonable for him to go this weekend and, if it helps her, for him to go some (not all) weekends in the short term. She’s just out of hospital, she’s his mother. But with an eye on an exit plan - if she’s lonely, he should be looking to see if he can get her engaged in the community (can he find a group she’d like to join, offer to go with her to a class/rambling group etc), I don’t think it’s reasonable for him to just become her only source of weekend company.

But I think he’s entitled to your support in this, at least for the next few weekends- if you struggle with your mental health surely you can sympathise with her. And surely you can see support and consideration of feelings in a marriage goes both ways.

She isn't someone that likes hobbies or mixing with larger groups of people, she is quiet and prior to this liked to keep to herself. Before falling ill she had a busy job where she worked every weekend with her days off in the week, she would spend time with her sisters and a single close friend. These people have rallied round to support her so it's not like she's lost out on part of her support network. She doesn't drive and lives her life within a mile of her home. She used to go to work, come home and watch TV, her days off she may go for a walk round the park with her sister or friend with a flask of tea or a trip to the garden centre but she has no interest in gardening etc, we have in the past suggested different hobbies (cooking classes, gentle exercise classes, local book club) they were all laughed off as if we were being ridiculous.

I do support him and I won't stop him from going, I haven't really protested about the arrangement so far but I do worry where this will lead if it continues past a couple of weeks. I sympathise with her MH issues, I have been there and know how awful it can be, but I can't help wondering how this will effect my own mental health if this continues for the foreseeable future like he has suggested.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 21/07/2022 20:52

for now it seems ok but not on going no you have to have anoter talk she could become reliant on hm if it goes on too long then he'll never want to stop

LovelyDaaling · 21/07/2022 20:55

I would wait and see how things go for the next two or three weekends, then discuss with DP how you go from there. His staying weekends with his mother might not need to be for the 'foreseeable future ', DP will have a better idea by then of how his mother is improving (or not). No point in bringing the matter to a head yet. It could end up in a massive row and bad feeling.
If you wait, DP will feel you are supporting him in this. Naturally, he'll feel torn between trying to do the right thing for his wife and children and his mother. By pressuring him at this stage, it will feel like you are making him choose, which is heartbreakingly difficult for him.

Whatever00 · 21/07/2022 21:01

I think every weekend for the foreseeable future is totally unreasonable. He is a son, husband and father. His mum needs his support but so does the rest of his family. I also don't really think it's in MIL best interest. It's not sustainable and ultimately she will have to adjust to life without him eventually. I think going mid week for dinner and a chat and then one day over the weekend is much more sustainable in the long run. I don't think overnights are necessary seen as you only live 40 minutes away.

PopThatKettleOn · 21/07/2022 21:12

Cocowatermelon · 21/07/2022 20:46

Give it a month OP, then tell him he needs to reduce the time spent with his mum and increase the time spent with you and your children - perhaps an overnight with his mum on Fridays then back to yours for Saturday afternoon in time to do something together and Sunday always with you - then keep that as the sustainable pattern for a longer period.
There’s no point discussing it further right now. He’s panicking about his mum and probably feeling guilty for underestimating the seriousness of the situation for so long.
Long term his plan is not compatible with family life. But he can’t think that far ahead at the moment. So YANBU, but you need to give him time to come round to that conclusion on his own.

This is a very sensible post. Give it a month, and it’s very likely he wants to stay at home with you and not his mum. His instinct is to help her, and he might come up with another solution soon enough.

WinterMusings · 21/07/2022 21:20

luxxlisbon · 21/07/2022 19:45

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a full weekend, she’s just out of hospital so it’s a pretty serious situation and not just your average weekend.
It’s not necessarily something that is fair for lots of weekends in a row but 2 or so to help his mum recover isn’t too much to ask imo.
I had to do a lot of solo weekends while my DH cared for his DM with cancer. It was shit but we all just needed to crack on.

@luxxlisbon

the OP said

DP told me that for the foreseeable future he would be travelling over on a Friday afternoon to stay with her and returning on a Sunday evening

that's ongoing, not 1-2 weekends.

Even if it was, he has children & a wife, he should have talked to the OP to see how much if his responsibility she was prepared to shoulder so he could go & do this. Not just told her he's opting out of parenting & family life every weekend for the foreseeable future.

907097gjlj · 21/07/2022 21:22

We have something similar - MIL has had a breakdown and is in hospital and FIL is bedbound. I have pushed DH to go and stay with them for a couple of nights Mon/Wed for the foreseeable (couple of months plus). His brother lives with the parents but is struggling and cant do it all on his own. Personally that's fine. I can cope with DCs on my own for the two nights he is away. It's not ideal but none of this is. I am an adult and i can cope. I appreciate that this isnt on the weekend unlike in your case but could he not go during the week? It wouldnt eat as much into your family time but still help to support MIL.

bloodyunicorns · 21/07/2022 21:25

Sounds like his mum had a MH crisis and needs him. But he should be discussing this with you, not telling you what's going to happen!

I hope his mum makes a speedy recovery. Sounds quite worrying.

MichelleScarn · 21/07/2022 21:25

Agree with above its got to be a restricted time frame otherwise he's basically saying you can't ever have a social life at weekends again isn't he? What does he do for kids in the week?

MichelleScarn · 21/07/2022 21:26

And what then happens if one of your parents need help on the weekend or both children have something on need to go to separately?

WinterMusings · 21/07/2022 21:27

Frogium · 21/07/2022 20:14

YABVU. And selfish. She is his family too, and she has just been out of the hospital.

So that means that every weekend for the foreseeable future he completely opts out if caring for his children, his home, his wife, for the entire weekend, every weekend.

thats NOT on! He could go for the day, for one night, every other weekend... whatever, but it needs to be a DISCUSSION with the person he married & who he is expecting to take up his slack with THEIR Chikdten & home.

Sally872 · 21/07/2022 21:27

Dh has said foreseeable future, I would wait and see what that means in practice. I expect he will also miss family time with you and the children and as soon as he can reduce time at his mums he will. Hopefully it won't be too long.

If it gets to the point where you can't cope with all the housework, life admin, lack of adult company at the weekend then of course have another conversation. Hopefully a few weekends then he will be needed less.

Meraas · 21/07/2022 21:29

I haven't really protested about the arrangement so far but I do worry where this will lead if it continues past a couple of weeks.

You need to raise this now. If you wait a month, then all he will say is you are coping fine.

One day a week is enough.

Original poster
BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 21:31

907097gjlj · 21/07/2022 21:22

We have something similar - MIL has had a breakdown and is in hospital and FIL is bedbound. I have pushed DH to go and stay with them for a couple of nights Mon/Wed for the foreseeable (couple of months plus). His brother lives with the parents but is struggling and cant do it all on his own. Personally that's fine. I can cope with DCs on my own for the two nights he is away. It's not ideal but none of this is. I am an adult and i can cope. I appreciate that this isnt on the weekend unlike in your case but could he not go during the week? It wouldnt eat as much into your family time but still help to support MIL.

This is actually really helpful to hear, we both work from home so it would actually work better if he decided to go midweek, as I would have the support of nursery for the youngest during the day so I could still work, he could also still work from her house too but be there for company and a chat and I would only have to do the evenings and nights by myself, still far from ideal but more manageable than all weekend every weekend. I will probably suggest this after we have got this weekend out of the way.

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 21/07/2022 21:32

3 weeks down the lien he's now decided he needs to stay for full
weekends, if his mother is lonely she needs to work on that not rely on her son to stay away from his own children.
How old is she ? this could be a long term thing, bear in mind MH issues can make ppl very selfish.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 21/07/2022 21:39

I wonder how many women would be told theywere selfish for taking up all their free time with caring for an ill parent. Or if this was physical not mental illness. I can just imagine how this would go if he was a woman posting about his partner being unwilling to parent their children at the weekends while he’s caring for his ill mum.

OP it might seem ‘indefinite’ because he wants to help and he probably doesn’t want to put a time limit on it as it’s his mum and the situation is so fresh, but give it 2-3 weeks and everything might have changed. She might have been discharged to home on the understanding that there was family to help. Meds take a few weeks to work properly.

907097gjlj · 21/07/2022 21:40

@BlueJaysandHedgehogs yes we also both WFH hence I suggested mid-week when it's less taxing for me but actually still allows him to be there during the day for his dad and his brother. The worst is actually for him - he has to do all the travel and have the emotional burden - it's really tough and for those talking about DH opting out of family life and just chilling out with their DM - thats not what mental health issues look like especially not in the elderly who are frail, scared of death etc etc etc. It also teaches DCs about compassion and care - our DCs also cant visit - PIL are not up to it but they still know why their dad is absent. I do also appreciate that in a few years this will end up being me and my parents so we're in this together and something we will all have to manage for the next ten-fifteen years. It's rubbish and sad but what can you do about old age.

Original poster
BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 21:41

MichelleScarn · 21/07/2022 21:25

Agree with above its got to be a restricted time frame otherwise he's basically saying you can't ever have a social life at weekends again isn't he? What does he do for kids in the week?

I think in his head he's maybe justified it that my parents are round the corner so can support me, which they would if I asked (they can't for the next two as they are away), but I see it as why should my parents be stepping into his shoes every weekend.

This does make him sound like he's just so willing to check out of family life but usually he is a fantastic partner. We usually split childcare and housework 50/50, he copes better than me on less sleep so will get up with the toddler when he wakes up at 5:30 most mornings, the trade off there is I do bedtimes most nights because DS can take a very long time to settle to sleep. He is very attentive at noticing when I am struggling and will take the kids out for a walk to give me some space, as I do for him too.

I think as PP's have said he's feeling a bit guilty for not picking up on how bad it was sooner. He does have a tenancy to bury his head in the sand sometimes with stuff like this and just pretend everything is all OK until its not so I think he's trying to make up for not doing more when she first got ill. He took his aunts word that she was OK, and she wasn't.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 21/07/2022 21:42

@BlueJaysandHedgehogs suggesting the midweek is a good idea. That's still giving the support he wants to without detriment to family.

GlitteryGreen · 21/07/2022 21:44

I wonder how many women would be told theywere selfish for taking up all their free time with caring for an ill parent. Or if this was physical not mental illness. I can just imagine how this would go if he was a woman posting about his partner being unwilling to parent their children at the weekends while he’s caring for his ill mum.

For me it's more the fact that she has specified that she does not want OP or the grandchildren to be a part of the weekends, even though the issue is that she's lonely. I don't think that's fair when it's literally Friday-Sunday.

Original poster
BlueJaysandHedgehogs · 21/07/2022 21:45

MichelleScarn · 21/07/2022 21:26

And what then happens if one of your parents need help on the weekend or both children have something on need to go to separately?

My parents are younger than his mum so unlikely that they would need support but if they did my sisters are close by and would help in a pinch, my family are the rally round type but that's because there's a few of us to share the load. The kids, well again I would have to rely on family help instead.
I had a situation the other night where DD needed to go to a&e in the middle of the night and I went with her whilst he stayed at home with DS. I think this is probably what worries me most, especially with my parents away this weekend and next, what if I have that situation again, unlikely but could happen.

OP posts: