Happy I won’t see these Mum’s again

[Cherrysherbet]

My DD left primary today.

The Mum’s from her class are so far up their own arses. I’m quite clearly not their kind of person.

I have been in multiple situations where they will literally turn their back on me to cut me out of a conversation.

I am friendly to everyone, and don’t have this sort of problem in any other part of my life.

They don’t say rude things to me, but their body language makes it clear that I’m not worth including in conversations.

Why do grown women behave like this?

I’ve hated going there the last couple of years. I really hate the fact that it has bothered me so much. I’m 48 ffs!

Even today at the leavers assembly, they asked me to move seats, and when I moved up, the woman turned her back, so I wasn’t able to speak to anyone! I have never been that close to saying something! I moved right over the other side of the room. Sick of being treated like that.

I am so happy that I’m not tied to having to go there now.
I came home and deleted myself from the class what’s app straight away! Yessss!!

AIBU to ask all primary school Mum’s who are going back in September to be thoughtful about how their actions make others feel?

We teach our kids to be kind and include others, so why do we often get this kind of mentality with the Mum’s? I’ve seen lots of similar post on here before, so I’m sure I’m not the only one who has experienced it.

I didn’t want to make friends, but a polite nod, smile or a hello doesn’t hurt.

At my DSs primary school there was definitely a small clique who looked down on the rest of us. One pair of the clique were very fit & toned, they’d go off for a run together after dropping their little darlings. They were particularly unpleasant and smug. (I am more Bagpuss but I don’t need to be judged.)

I would be having a chat with one of the less intimidating mums in the playground. Another mum would arrive, stand between us, turn her back on me, interrupt our conversation and start her own one up with the mum I was talking to.

Yes! I’ve had this on many occasions too. You then stand there feeling like a numpty! It’s just plain rude! Anyone who thinks this is acceptable behaviour must live on a different planet.

We are way past primary now but I get it. I made a few lovely friends when DD was there (but funnily enough even they are the friends I feel the most insecure about and am aware that they leave me out sometimes). I was a slightly younger parent than most at DDs school and working more. Lots of people used to not register me.

That all changed when I became ill suddenly and my husband was working away. Fortunately a friend of mine was able to step in and look after DD for a couple of weeks. He’s a bit of a public figure and was free because of the time of year. When I recovered all the mums were falling all over me to be friends 😂

Some of these posts are so weird. No one expects everyone to be a social butterfly or make small talk to everyone. It would just be nice if they could not be icy and bitchy, for example by ignoring or turning their back on people or singling people out to exclude or make uncomfortable.

Most people don’t think about other people enough to deliberately exclude them. I have never noticed cliques at the school gate, just a few groups of people that happened to know each other a bit more.

It’s the school run. No I won’t look out for others who may be struggling. I’ve got my own life, problems and things to do.

Do men behave like this? Getting sulky because someone at a non-social event won’t talk to them? Do they tell one another to look out for others? Do you ‘look out’ for people in the queue at the supermarket, or those staying in the same hotel on holiday?

Some might be neighbours, their kids might have gone to nursery together. They aren't going to stop talking because someone walks past. I know it can be intimidating. Happy you're done.

Speak for yourself. The best people I know are women, I have excellent friendships and I MUCH prefer working with women who won’t steal my ideas, claim it as their own, talk down to me and expect me to make tea for meetings even though I’m more senior than them.

the people who think the sisterhood is a myth think they’re owed something by EVERY woman by virtue they have a vagina.

I would be wary of mums getting too friendly all of a sudden . It's usually because the want something or want to know something as I found out the hard way . It's best just to get your child and go .

Some of the answers here are shocking. I wonder if they would say the same if this was happening to their daughter or son.

But you are not a kid. And these are people who you see for around 10 minutes total in the day, tops. If you are spending more than 5 minutes at the gate, why?? People see each other for longer on a daily basis waiting for a bus. Do they have to all become bus stop buddies?
I could completely understand being upset like this over people at work - dealing with that for a significant chunk of the day would be upsetting and awkward. But who gives a shit about a bunch of people who are so completely removed from your actual day to day life and social circle?

Raising my kids here has been a lonely experience but the primary school group has cliques but some open pockets. I made made a few linkages I hope will become friends. Its hard.

I am sorry to hear that. Maybe this is the route of why so many are upset about this - were people feeling lonely or didn’t have many friends and were hoping their kids starting school would open up a social life? I don’t think that’s healthy. It’s nice to be acquainted with your kids friends parents, it’s nice to be friends with them too. But you’re entire social life should surely not hang on that.
You need people and activities in life that are not just associated with your children and dependent on them. I’ve got colleagues that I enjoy spending time with at work and a couple of friends that I’ve known from before DS was born - and two or three people I met because I went to baby groups who I see sporadically, including on the school gate now. I don’t give a shit about anyone else. I’ve got two kids so between them, DH, family, work colleagues, and a couple of friends I’ve got enough people in my life and any one else talking to me is I guess a bonus that I can take or leave. I value time to my bloody self more than spending time with any mums at the school gate. If I don’t talk to you at the gate it’s because I’m taking the 5 minutes at the gate to zone out and enjoy some me time!

I really don't understand why grownass adults give a shit about any of this. It's fine except the mum drama can really rub off on the kids... then we wonder why our kids are growing up completely lacking resilience. I've seen it with my friend's kid. It's tragic and really a bit self-indulgent

No-one owes you their time, attention or friendship. You cleatly don't like them, OP, so whyshould they like you?

I don’t like them because they are rude to me. Why would I like them, after 7 years of this? I have always been open to chatting to everyone, right up until today. Nothing excuses this behaviour.

Are you a little sad that your child has left primary?

If I'm with a group of friends and there is someone on their own standing right next to me I'd definitely try to include them in the conversation even if I don't know them that well. I know it feels shitty being the odd one out and I don't want people feeling that way.

Especially if I'm the one before last in a row of people I'd make it a point to talk to the person next to me at the end of the row as they wouldn't have anyone else to talk to. Turning away from them is horrible.

Totally yes! My eldest sons class is like this. Youngest sons class not like that at all, it’s all a bit odd and mean girls, I used to get a bit upset by it but now find it all a bit laughable and can see the reasons they’re like that.

See I like this explanation, most of the time (that people are naturally focused on their mates), but having experienced some particular school-gate mums being noticeably much friendlier after I lost weight, I know it's not just that.

As well as the people naturally focused on their existing mates and so on, there are definitely a few women at school gates who are engaged in actively curating in a fairly adolescent way not just their friendships (which we all do), but also who they are willing to even just make small talk with for two minutes outside school.

If you haven't experienced that sort of cold response it can be hard to understand what people are talking about, but it's a definite thing. After I lost weight, the contrast made me feel quite vindicated that I hadn't been imagining it. I can't say I felt particularly warmly towards those women though at that point - too little too late.

It’s not being hostile, mean and bitchy to not talk to every other female in the playground.

And aside from the grim “women: smile more” style comment, many people very much find small talk draining. I have a busy job, I’m usually feeling knackered by pick-up time and I absolutely will not make mundane small talk lest someone think I’m mean, hostile or bitchy.

I think it’s also worth pointing out that some people are friends with those outside of school, and were before their kids started school. Especially if you’re in a small community. It’s not cliquey if they talk to one another - they’re just mates. You wouldn’t try and have a random group of friends include you if you were in the pub, they don’t have to include you at school.

That’s what I think of anyone who posts about the mean school mums. I imagine many women stand there seething as the other mums have a craic and wonder why they’re not invited to join in. When the craicy mums probably
A. Don’t know this person exists or
B. Has seen them standing alone and has read the room, thinking they want to be left alone.

I think people who experience this are not stupid, and can tell the difference between someone just giving off perfectly reasonable "don't feel like chatting" vibes and more active snubbing.

Are you a little sad that your child has left primary?

Absolutely not 😁. She’s my third and I’m done. I cannot describe the relief.

The school run isn’t the same as a professional meeting FFS 🤣🤣
Why would they acknowledge you? What are you expecting - for ALL the playground mums to start hello? I hope you say hello to everybody you see?

Hinestlt some of you sound like YOU should be the ones in primary school. “Someone beneath them” - how do you know?

I think people who experience this are not stupid, and can tell the difference between someone just giving off perfectly reasonable "don't feel like chatting" vibes and more active snubbing.

100%. It’s a completely different thing.

I had an awful time when ds was at primary school, the mums were all that far up each other's backsides it was disgusting, one of them even turned up at court to support exh when we were getting divorced. On the last day she was mouthing off at me as we were walking in to school for leavers assembly, had I not been with my mum I would have knocked her out. It was the best feeling when ds won pupil of the year & we walked out for the last time.

Oh god, I experienced this for most of the 20 years I did the primary school run. Loads of women together really does bring out mean girls. They gossip and bitch and that spreads out. It only takes one saying something about someone they don’t like the look of or feel jealous of and the less intelligent ones lap it up. Plenty of sociopaths in this world.

It’s nothing like a shopping queue! What a ridiculous comparison, unless that poster goes to the post office twice a day for 39 weeks of the year. I’d sure she’d get to know people and make small talk with the same people standing there if she did.

Its definitely rooted in insecurity and in a lot of cases jealousy, where they’re being actively rude, and just wanting to make themselves feel better than others in the safety of a group.

I had the unfortunate circumstances of being a tall attractive woman with a ‘posh’ accent in a deprived area, (no my name is not Samantha), a very handsome husband (yes, one small example was a school mum saying loudly she wouldn’t mind a bit of him as she walked past us), twins (which some of them were obviously jealous of), my DC all being gorgeous, immaculately turned out and doing well at school if I say so myself.

I have been blanked, frozen out, talked about and sneered at and it was all down to jealousy. I remember bumping into one of the clichey mums at youngest’s primary at a country park cafe and sitting chatting for a bit. She said to me ‘Wow I thought you were a snotty bitch but you’re really nice!’ She’d never spoken to me before and only said Hi a few times after that before going back to blanking me.

My youngest finished primary school last year and this year I have felt much better about myself for not having to feel like shit twice a day being the only person not speaking to anyone or mums looking over at me and laughing. I was the only mum not invited on the class WhatsApp as well despite them all having my number from birthday parties which they’d turn up to without bothering to respond as DS was very popular with other DC and they probably insisted to go.

I drop DS off in the school car park now, don’t need to get out of the car obviously. Parents evening was remote, which they piloted this year and will hopefully have the sense to continue as secondary school parents evening is a shitshow IME, so no reason to go into school ever again. Bliss! It’s finally all over!