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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nappy changes

92 replies

Noodlee · 21/07/2022 09:36

My daughter is 4, will be 5 in October and starting school this year. She still wears nappies to bed. We are talk about and have a few books about topics such as underpants rules and privates, all very age appropriate of course. She knows she has 5 people who can help her with things such as toilet, changing, nappies, bath/shower etc. These are myself, her dad, my sister, my mum and her dad's mum. She stayed over at my sisters about a week ago and she mentioned last night that my daughters partner put her nappy on. They both know about my boundaries on this and how I feel about it. So I casually messaged them yesterday and he has come back saying he is extremely offended and calling me sexist. I don't feel it is his place to call me sexist, I don't agree with things about his parenting but it's not my place to say this to him. And it's also not like it's new information, he knows how I feel about it and has always been understandable and respectful of it. Am I being unreasonable with feeling annoyed at his response and feeling it was uncalled for.

OP posts:
Discovereads · 21/07/2022 09:41

Your boundaries seem OTT to me to have only 5 people who can change your DDs nappy. If your child had been in a nursery she’d have had lots of different women, perhaps a few men, changing her nappy. She is old enough to tell you if anything feels off. You don’t really need to be so restrictive to protect her anymore.

Original poster
Noodlee · 21/07/2022 09:45

My daughter is the one that mentioned it to me, which I take that as she felt it was something to mention to me.

She doesn't wear nappies to nursery as it is only bed time she wears them. But her nursery has a hands off approach where they help when needed, but she is very independent and can do most things by herself and I am happy with the nursery staff helping.

OP posts:
Muppethotel · 21/07/2022 09:46

i do appreciate boundaries need to be respected no matter if the other parties don’t agree with them. In the same way, if I didn’t want my child eating ice cream, I’d expect my wishes to be respected even if the people looking after my child thought I was being silly.

Perhaps your daughters needed to be changed and your sister wasn’t available?

Would you have thought the same If your sisters male partner changed your daughters nappy, even if he’s not on your list? Sounds to me as you don’t like his parenting, you don’t want him changing her nappy?

Original poster
Noodlee · 21/07/2022 09:51

Exactly! My sister on the phone was like "oh it's just not a thing for us". Like great for you but it is a boundary for me, and that should be respected.

My sisters partner is male and isn't on the list of people that can help with these tasks. I don't like his parenting no, but that's not the reason why. I just don't feel comfortable with it, just like I don't feel comfortable with anyone else not on the list changing her (apart from nursery staff)

OP posts:
Mally100 · 21/07/2022 09:52

If you don't trust him and his intentions then a nappy change won't stop him from doing anything he wanted to do. I do think you are being OTT and offended them.

londonlass71 · 21/07/2022 09:56

If that's how you feel then don't let her stay there over night at all. I personally think it is OTT. You can have a chat to your child about inappropriate touching but I think this is crazy especially since it is one nappy at bed time. You may start giving her a complex. Sorry OP but you're being ridiculous

xogossipgirlxo · 21/07/2022 09:59

I don't blame him, I would feel offended too.

Discovereads · 21/07/2022 10:22

Noodlee · 21/07/2022 09:45

My daughter is the one that mentioned it to me, which I take that as she felt it was something to mention to me.

She doesn't wear nappies to nursery as it is only bed time she wears them. But her nursery has a hands off approach where they help when needed, but she is very independent and can do most things by herself and I am happy with the nursery staff helping.

She mentioned it to you because you have trained her that only 5 people can change her nappy and to tell you if anyone else changes her nappy because “they’re not allowed to”. That’s why she told you. Not because anything off happened. She may not even know what “off” is in relation to her privates.

Imho, If you haven’t already, its time to tell her in age appropriate way about privates, unwanted touching and such and ditch the list. Having a very short list of “approved people” is a good tool but she is too old for it now. Especially since this list includes the toilet and changing- she will be in Early Years at school very soon and your list will grow, she will go on play dates…and the list will grow again but by then just having a list of people allowed isn’t going to keep her safe. She may god forbid encounter CSA from an “approved” person and think it’s alright because youve said they’re “allowed” to “help” her.

Jessbow · 21/07/2022 10:30

Ditch the list.

Give her pull ups, she's big enough to do it herself

DoNotGetADog · 21/07/2022 10:30

If you don’t trust him, then you shouldn’t have your daughter staying there. I think you have to decide whether you’re going to be very much in control of exactly what is happening with your daughter or not.

If it is really important to you that things are done in the exact way you want them to and for certain people to not have access to her, then you need to not send your daughter to stay overnight at their house!

Do you not think that you are making things very difficult between your sister and her partner? That you are forcing her to imply to her partner that he can’t be trusted? You could cause a massive argument between them that maybe she doesn’t want to have.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t be careful- of course you should, and probably I would feel as you do about it. The difference is that if I did feel like that, I wouldn’t be sending her round to stay there.

I don’t know if she has disabilities etc, but if not, is it not time that she could be putting on a pull-up herself if she’s nearly 5? The teachers at school won’t be expecting to be helping her with the toilet, so isn’t this the best idea?

Mally100 · 21/07/2022 10:32

Jessbow · 21/07/2022 10:30

Ditch the list.

Give her pull ups, she's big enough to do it herself

Also this, she's 4! Why isn't she doing this herself?

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/07/2022 10:35

You are effectively insinuating that he has sinister intentions towards your daughter but are offended that he’s calling you sexist?

if you’re so concerned, why let her stay there?

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 21/07/2022 10:36

Pull ups.
She needs to be at least able to try get to the loo.

nokidshere · 21/07/2022 10:41

I agree with other posters. If you don't trust him why would you let her stay overnight anyway? And she needs to be in pull ups, a nappy won't help her get dry at night.

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 21/07/2022 10:41

I am trying to picture this from your sisters/ her OH's side and I would be realyl offended. I think if you are going to have strict rules like this in place you need to look after you own child or ensure your child can do it herself.

If I were them I wouldn't be offering to babysit again in a hurry.

20viona · 21/07/2022 10:49

my daughter turned 3 last week and is daytime potty trained but still in pull ups at night. She just does it herself, she doesn't need any help.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/07/2022 10:56

she needs pull ups of an evening that she can do herself- she will be in school where no one will help her, list of no list.
I also wouldnt tell your child about who can and cant put on a nappy for her- teach her about boundaries and privacy regardless of who it is. Giving her a list you consider fool proof to abuse seems counter productive to me.

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 21/07/2022 10:57

I would question why you let your daughter stay there overnight at all if there is an adult in the home you don't fully trust.

HuffleWoof · 21/07/2022 10:59

If you're that strict you need to send her with a nappy on or not send her at all if you're so concerned he's going to sexually assault your 4 year old

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2022 11:01

They should respect your boundaries.

The biggest thing that concerns me here is that he was “really offended”. It’s a massively OTT reaction. I’m not saying he has any awful reasons for changing the nappy but the kind of bloke who leaps to calling women “sexist” (and there’s a lot of literature to say these terms should only be used about the privileged group discriminating against the less privileged, and not vice versa) are types I like to avoid.

TempName01 · 21/07/2022 11:01

I don’t really agree with PP, I don’t think your sister’s boyfriend should be changing nappies, dressing or bathing her, it’s not because you suspect him of anything it’s just better to avoid any males having unnecessary intimate access to your DD. It’s not sexist, it’s a fact that most sexual abuse is by males.

RewildingAmbridge · 21/07/2022 11:01

If you don't trust him with your daughter, why are you letting her stay there? Opportunities for abuse are much wider than nappy changes

hangrylady · 21/07/2022 11:05

You either trust him or you don't. Like a PP said at nearly 5 your DD could put a pull up on herself.

GoAround · 21/07/2022 11:07

This is the father of your nieces/nephews right, not a random boyfriend? If yes I see why they so offended tbh. And it’s either you trust him and DD is safe to stay there, or you don’t. Abuse isn’t limited to nappy changes. But also why isn’t she in pull ups and doing it herself? They go on/off like underwear so presuming she manages knickers during the day, she should easily be able to do it. Maybe you nerf to rethink having her stay away until she’s more independent.

Original poster
Noodlee · 21/07/2022 11:18

To clear a few things up, we have tried pull ups. She doesn't find them comfortable and tends to leak more with them and she prefers the traditional nappy so that's why we use it.

Its not that I suspect him of anything awful, I just don't feel comfortable with anyone other than a small amount of people helping her with these tasks. I just think these tasks are private and should be kept private. I have separation anxiety and ocd and so it has taken a lot for me to allow people to mind her. My sister and I are inspereable and I trust her with my life, but I struggle with separation anxiety so only in the past year she has been minding my daughter.

He is the father of my nephew yes, but there relationship has been very much up and down in the past and so he has been very much in and out of our lives.

It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that it makes me uncomfortable. Just like it would with my dad, my nanna and grandad and many others, I just think it's unnecessary and her privacy should be respected. We were at a play date the other day, her friend stripped naked to play in the sprinklers and my daughter kept her pants on, it was just myself and the other mum. Its not that i think anything of the other mum, just once again, feel it is unnecessary and privacy should be respected. So it is not just a male thing, but it is more so males and I think that it understandable.

OP posts: