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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nappy changes

92 replies

Noodlee · 21/07/2022 09:36

My daughter is 4, will be 5 in October and starting school this year. She still wears nappies to bed. We are talk about and have a few books about topics such as underpants rules and privates, all very age appropriate of course. She knows she has 5 people who can help her with things such as toilet, changing, nappies, bath/shower etc. These are myself, her dad, my sister, my mum and her dad's mum. She stayed over at my sisters about a week ago and she mentioned last night that my daughters partner put her nappy on. They both know about my boundaries on this and how I feel about it. So I casually messaged them yesterday and he has come back saying he is extremely offended and calling me sexist. I don't feel it is his place to call me sexist, I don't agree with things about his parenting but it's not my place to say this to him. And it's also not like it's new information, he knows how I feel about it and has always been understandable and respectful of it. Am I being unreasonable with feeling annoyed at his response and feeling it was uncalled for.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 21/07/2022 14:02

If you think your bil me get sexually abuse your dd why send her there? At almost 5 she should be dry by now. Keeping her in nappies won't help her. Get her into a pull up so she can be independent.

mrsfoof · 21/07/2022 14:08

At nearly 5, your daughter should be doing the bulk of her self-care. Buy proper incontinence products for a child of her age, not babies' nappies. Dry Nights Pyjama Pants start from age 4. She can put them on herself when she gets ready for bed and can take them off, wipe herself if she's wet and put them in a nappy bag in the morning when she gets up.

(I'm assuming no additional needs of course, apologies if I've missed somewhere that your child is ND or has other disabilities).

Somethingsnappy · 21/07/2022 14:11

If you had made your boundaries clear to them, they were very unreasonable to cross them.

On another note, and despite your update, I also agree with pp (giving unasked for advice, sorry) that now might be a good time to try to switch to pull ups. At 4, she'll manage these easily. Wearing a nappy not only takes away incentive to use the toilet at night, but it actually hinders progression too. If she wakes at night needing a wee, she'll just think she can't go to the loo anyway, as she's in a nappy. And having multiple different people changing her nappy at 5, might be something she starts to dislike. The hormone necessary for waking at night with a full bladder will probably kick in soon, but you may not recognise when that happens if still using nappies. My 4 year old is still in pull ups at night, but she is often dry in the morning. Not quite often enough to stop using them yet, but getting there. If she wasn't in pull ups and able to go to the loo independently, I would be none the wiser that she's nearly ready to quit them.

SpotlessMind88 · 21/07/2022 14:23

buckingmad · 21/07/2022 12:59

I find it weird that you don't want him changing her nappy but trust him enough to have her overnight?

This is exactly what i thought. its strange.

But i really think you should try pull ups, pj pants with the built in pull ups or just normal underwear. She should be able to learn to go to the toilet at night or first thing in the morning at her age. And a nappy isn't going to help her learn that.

Pbbananabagel · 21/07/2022 14:24

YANBU Op and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, you are protecting your child by having very clear boundaries and teaching her these and it’s not for anyone else to change these to suit themselves, your sister needs to respect this.

FunDragon · 21/07/2022 14:54

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/07/2022 11:01

They should respect your boundaries.

The biggest thing that concerns me here is that he was “really offended”. It’s a massively OTT reaction. I’m not saying he has any awful reasons for changing the nappy but the kind of bloke who leaps to calling women “sexist” (and there’s a lot of literature to say these terms should only be used about the privileged group discriminating against the less privileged, and not vice versa) are types I like to avoid.

I agree with every word of this.

If I were in your sister and her partner’s shoes, I’d apologise and move on. I might eyeroll behind your back and I might not offer to babysit again in a hurry. But his OTT reaction is weird.

Original poster

Noodlee · 21/07/2022 14:59

Thanks all, I will try the pull ups again with her. To those saying that I'm not trying to help her with being dry at night, I think that is quite rude. Of course I'm trying, I haven't really thought of the link between the type of nappy and her being dry and know it is hormonal. But now I understand How it can be hindering her, I will try the pull ups again. I'm a first time mum and learning along the way and I always want to be doing the best thing for her, and that is why I have stuck with nappies as she finds them more comfy and less leaks. But will give the pull ups a go again

OP posts:

Original poster

Noodlee · 21/07/2022 15:00

Exactly! So OTT! And if he can't understand where I'm coming from, that is concerning and privileged in my opinion.

AND it's not even new information! They have know my boundaries for a while now, so I don't get the OTT reaction

OP posts:

Ray92 · 21/07/2022 15:00

YANBU.
You have a list of 5 people, they knew he wasn't on it and he did it regardless. I don't like that.
If I wasn't on the list for whatever reason, I would respect that and not touch your child.

NewJobOrOldJob · 21/07/2022 15:08

Either... you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him then I wouldn't leave your DD alone with him. If you do then I don't see the problem with a trusted family member changing her nappy. I think you're being OTT.

Blankbias · 21/07/2022 15:21

Is there any reason you don’t trust your dad to change your daughter’s nappy? It sounds like there is an underlying reason you have this list, and I wonder if you are getting any help for this?

bellinisurge · 21/07/2022 15:23

OP - full potty training is a nightmare. You have my sympathies. There's plenty of resource on here to help with that.
It's annoying your sister didn't gate keep properly. Lesson learned.

Pbbananabagel · 21/07/2022 15:23

@NewJobOrOldJob my uncle was a trusted family member. Most survivors of CSA will tell you their abusers were trusted family members too. There’s a difference between being paranoid and being pragmatic.

bellinisurge · 21/07/2022 15:24

"Is there any reason you don’t trust your dad to change your daughter’s nappy?"
Op's dad isn't even mentioned. Maybe he's not in her life

Blankbias · 21/07/2022 15:27

bellinisurge · 21/07/2022 15:24

"Is there any reason you don’t trust your dad to change your daughter’s nappy?"
Op's dad isn't even mentioned. Maybe he's not in her life

Yes, she does say she wouldn’t trust her own dad with a nappy change:

”It's not that I don't trust him, it's just that it makes me uncomfortable. Just like it would with my dad, my nanna and grandad and many others, I just think it's unnecessary and her privacy should be respected.”

Original poster

Noodlee · 22/07/2022 18:47

An update on the pull up situation - we tried some last night, I got boots pull up nappies, and as said before, it leaked everywhere and so we ended up having a very early morning this morning

Can anyone help as to why this happens?

OP posts:

NannyR · 22/07/2022 19:29

Have you tried the huggies drynites? They come in child sizes (4-7 years) and might fit better than the baby/toddler sized ones. They might be designed to deal with child sized amounts of wee as well, I'm not sure. Whenever I've looked after children over four who need pull ups at night, they've always used this brand and there never seems to be a problem with leakage.

EV117 · 22/07/2022 19:29

Why is he not on ‘the list?’
I can see how he would take some offence - what you say or actually think doesn’t matter, your actions are giving the impression that him changing her is somehow inappropriate and that you possibly suspect he may have bad intentions. That’s hurtful and embarrassing.
As pp said, you either trust him or you don’t. If you can’t trust him with a nappy change you shouldn’t be letting her sleep there.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 22/07/2022 19:34

I wouldn't do pull ups at that age, there are proper nighttime/bedtime panta from huggies etc, we've never had leaks.

You should be limiting liquids before bed, wee before bed etc, so there shouldn't be that much liquid to cause a leak

Cleothecat75 · 22/07/2022 19:49

You are complete correct that night time dryness is hormonal, so all the posters telling you your child should be dry clearly have no idea what they are talking about. I’m not convinced there is a benefit of a pull up over a nappy either. Lots of 1 year olds can figure out how to take their own nappy off, so I assume your 4 year old can do that themselves, it’s quite simple to undo the tapes on a nappy. So if your child finds a a nappy suits them Better, I can’t see an issue.

MeridianB · 22/07/2022 19:52

RaisinGhost · 21/07/2022 13:23

I would say if she can't toilet herself and this is an issue for you, no more sleepovers anywhere for now.

This. Just avoid the issue completely. Lots of different views on this thread about your boundaries but ultimately your sister, who you trust implicitly, has seen nothing wrong with ignoring your wishes.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 22/07/2022 19:57

Jessbow · 21/07/2022 10:30

Ditch the list.

Give her pull ups, she's big enough to do it herself

This. My 3yo can put on and take off his own bedtime Pull Up, unless he’s wearing something very tight over it.

He knows that no one is allowed to touch his privates, only Mum and Dad or our nanny when we’re helping him wash, or the doctor if Mum or Dad is there.

Original poster

Noodlee · 23/07/2022 23:49

Completely agree.

I'm not sure how to handle the situation now. Like 1. My boundaries were the ones crossed. 2. I wasn't made aware of this. And 3. When I brought it up in a non argumentative way, he is being OTT about not new information, playing the victim and calling names!

OP posts:

Mamai90 · 24/07/2022 00:11

I think her partner has a right to be offended. I couldn't imagine behaving like that with my BIL. If I don't trust someone with my daughter then I wouldn't allow her to stay there.

mathanxiety · 24/07/2022 00:38

How much of your DD being in night time nappies is down to your ocd?

Do you think you're perhaps too anxious about her wetting the bed and trying to avoid that?

Has there been any attempt to tackle the problem of wetting at night apart from nappies? What does the GP think?

I agree with posters who are suggesting that your DD shouldn't be staying overnight with your sister and her P if you feel uncomfortable with him changing the nappy.

Maybe try to sort out your feelings about him all the same - are you overly identified with your sister? Are you overly identified with your child?

What sort of therapy have you had to deal with all the anxiety in your life? Do you feel any anxiety about the time when your child won't be a baby any more and will be out in the world with other children, new teachers, doing activities, getting to know other families, going to parties? Is there a part of you that wants to keep her a baby?

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